Was I just used or did I do something wrong to change his mind?

Thank you everyone.

You are right. I think what some of the earlier people said is right and just need distance so thank goodness he has been on holiday so at least I’ve had time to get my head together without him being around constantly.

What has been awful is that literally every day about ten people at work are asking me what he is up to on his time off and then acting really confused when I’ve had to say im not sure because we haven’t spoken.

I just hope Monday it’s not so obvious because I know as soon as we are not super jokey and in each others pockets (i couldn’t really think of a better way to describe it but constantly talking,laughing, being friendly etc) everyone is going to be asking what’s wrong.

Fingers crossed everyone I guess, thank you for your help and you are right he outright said he didn’t like me and just because he said nice things to me he was obviously talking me in to bed and didn’t actually mean it. I do get that it just really hurts to think I was so naive I guess.

Thank you x x

His ego can’t take that you aren’t a pining mess…

There could be a number of things going on:
He might feel a bit insecure as well on how to proceed;
He feels you are watching his moves like a hawk;
Maybe youre seeing more signals then there are;
Only one thing you can do: keep doing what youre doing and distance yourself somewhat from him as well. Take care

Alex,

I haven’t read all the responses here but trying to piece this together and it makes no sense. He broke up with a girl he was going to ask to marry him in March but he hasn’t had sex in 14 months? I’m not buying that. The reason you’ve become best friends in the last 6 months is because he was going through a breakup and healing and he wanted someone to talk to. You wanted more with him than friendship so you jumped at the chance to spend this time with him and become “best friends” as you say.

You jumped into bed with him the first chance you got and now he’s told you he’s not interested in you like that, wants to act like this didn’t happen, etc. That is exactly what he’s doing, acting like this didn’t happen. But he’s also distancing himself from you, not texting as much, ignoring your texts because of the way you acted. He now knows you have feelings for him, he didn’t mean to hurt you, so things will never go back to normal like this didn’t happen. And no him messing with you for talking to other guys doesn’t mean all the things he told you about not being interested in you as more than friends aren’t true. You are trying to focus on one thing he has done so you can ignore all the other hurtful things he said to you. That’s not going to work. It will just leave you in denial and make this harder.

Guys this situation is still so confusing.. some advice would be great.

I did everything you all said, pretended it didn’t happen and have been really easy breezy about the whole thing. Made sure that every time we’ve been alone I haven’t mentioned it but been super fun and nice to be around. It’s all been fine but towards the end of the week it feels like he is getting angry at me and more and more distant and I don’t know why?

I have basically gone completely back to normal yet I feel like I am being punished for it? He has made a couple of little digs when I have been joking with other guys in the office – I wouldn’t say jealous (because he has made it clear he does not feel things like that for me) but like why are you being so nice to him type thing and demanding to know what I was joking about with another person. Also while we went back to texting like normal after the initial seeing each other again (I think we were both making sure it wasnt awkward) he has now just started ignoring me so I have of course stopped messaging him. If we are just friends and going back to normal I don’t get why he is being like this?

The other thing is when we are alone everything feels the same as it was before – constantly joking and laughing and getting on just as well as we did before but then as soon as we are around other people he is acting more distant. We both agreed not to tell anyone what happened so it’s not like he is being weird because people know?

I just don’t get what is going on… he said he wanted to pretend like nothing happened and be friends because he didn’t see me like that so I gave that to him without making any fuss (after my initial awful embarrassing behaviour which still kills me) even though I was hurt and it took some time to get over but I haven’t given him any reason to be annoyed with me but he is acting it… I really don’t understand what I am supposed to do.

I am giving him space to work out whatever he needs to but I miss my friend.. it feels worse than an actual breakup!

Yeah you are absolutely right I did all of those things and it won’t go back to normal I just really wanted it to be like it never happened and wanted someone to reassure me it could. I messed up so I have to live with the consequences I guess.

I never thought I could be so stupid. Looking at every thing in hindsight now I literally have just been an idiot every step of the way but the whole time I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. It’s crazy because I am not usually that naive or stupid but I have just been ridiculous.

Thanks everyone I guess I have nothing to do but try and put it behind me. I really appreciate everyone’s comments.

It is worse than a breakup…

Your friendship is now tainted, for lack of a better term…
Take some space for yourself… Give him some space… Serious space… Like 2/3 weeks space.

Reground yourself.

If he reaches out respond, but You– don’t reach out to him… Do some reading, take a run… Get busy with you…

And don’t beat yourself up. You liked a guy, you read his signals, you jumped hoping you’d get what you wanted, shot missed and now you’re forced to face the cold, harsh truth of the situation. At least now you know what it is… Carl Jung says “Mistakes are, after all, the foundations of truth, and if a man does not know what a thing is, it is at least an increase in knowledge if he knows what it is not.” Move along, lesson learned :)

Thanks jenny so what you are saying is he doesn’t even value me as a friend? Therefore should just forget trying to be friends at all and move on?

That’s sad because I would definitely have invited him to my wedding (the test you said above) and we were always making plans about cool things we would do (as friends) in the future. Maybe I really have misinterpreted everything.

It certainly makes me view him differently if that is the case. Thank you for your advice I will take it on board and just try to detach completely and forget about him in any way other than someone I work with. I am sure in a few years I won’t even remember this happened hopefully. Thank you again.

I mean, I’m just saying that MY friends don’t really f*ck me over nor would they casually sleep with me knowing I have feelings for them *if that were ever the case. I in fact have a best friend I went to HS with and he’s been “in love” with me for what, over 15 yrs now *which he’s vocalized when drunk* and it’s sincerely BECAUSE I respect him and genuinely value his friendship to that degree that I’d never cross that line. I’ve def thought about it a few different occasions *especially when alcohol is involved* but NO, he means to much to me to “do” him like that. A fleeing moment of loneliness and/or an ego boost, attention craving, whatever just isn’t worth losing him or straining our relationship

Alex,

I read the whole thread. There is only one thing to do here and it’s not confusing at all. Move on and stop trying to analyze his actions, words, and actions. If he is not dating you properly towards a relationship after all that happened, it’s not going to happen. You need to get past this and focus on your life. Men come and go. Any more seconds/minutes you spend thinking about the whys of his actions/words, etc… is a huge waste of time. Don’t sell yourself short. You deserve a man who wants to be with you all the way.

OK so an update to how it’s been going.. and hopefully some reassurance I am doing the right thing still?

I read up on No contact, the rules and started doing that as everyone rightly pointed out I am super naive about men and been almost too much an open book etc . Obviously I see him at work every day so I haven’t ignored him but have not initiated any conversations outside of work related matters, the first week I noticed the difference and he kept coming over to me at my desk trying to make conversation to which I responded nicely but brief etc i havent asked questions about his personal life or what hes been up to as its not my business etc

I have been my usual happy self with everyone else in the office and without sounding conceited I have made sure I look my absolute best i can every day! Not for him but for me so I feel more in control and confident. He has even commented on what I have been wearing every day and how amazing my dresses, or boots are things like thay to which I’ve just responded with a smile and a thank you nothing much.

It’s made me feel in more control of things but now I’m unsure if I am potentially making things more awkward for us? The reason I say this is we have always been lunch buddies who go off and do things every day and we did a couple of times since but I basically felt like he was avoiding me so I just kept my dignity and have been going off on my own or with others since.

I kind of saw this as giving him the space he needed and proving I have too much self respect to run around after him but 3 different people in the office have since told me that when they asked him while we weren’t spending time together (apparently it’s been noticed by everyone but I have not said anything about it. If directly asked I am just going to say sometimes people drift apart or something non descript) he says he doesn’t know why but I keep going off on my own without him! He surely doesn’t think like this does he? He is just being a jerk and try to make himself seem like it’s not his issue right? I sort of saw it as he knows where I am if he wants to spend time with me as a friend but now I’m a little worried maybe I have been too distant and non contactey that maybe I have caused unnecessary friction? Should I stop what I’m doing?

It’s definitely unsettled him as he has started being super nervous around me knocking coffee over yesterday when I made polite small talk in the kitchen, I keep catching him looking at me and it’s super weird because he looks away not smiling as soon as I notice and make eye contact, watching me with other people and trying to butt in to conversations, he keeps making reference to little jokes we had in the past which I was taking as a sign our friendship could potentially get back on track eventually if not exactly as it was before although a silly thing he never likes any of my instagram posts anymore but he def sees them! I went out for a day with a friend last weekend and posted some pics and he was like who did you go there with when etc i was just brief and said a friend and that it was a lovely time but he didn’t like any of them and he always likes everything!

I also kind of think he might be being mean as well which is kind of the opposite of the above, he has instantly started hanging out with a girl who he always used to say he can’t stand to me and who was never very friendly to me which he used to get annoyed with. I almost feel like he’s doing it to get a reaction? I haven’t given one obviously and I’m not being jealous there are girls he is genuinely friends with and he’s been the same with them as before but this one girl I feel like he is hanging out with on purpose? Do boys do that?

I don’t know it’s definitely made me see him differently and the person who said I’d be over it in a month I think was right as I am definitely almost there (i still have days that are horrible because I miss the friendship but the sex thing I am completely over)

I just don’t know if I am doing the right thing at the moment?

Thanks Harley. It is nice to hear that I am finally doing the right thing in the situation. It sucks but I will continue to just give him space and leave everything to him.

Obviously a small part of me still wants that a future point he will turn around and realise he made a mistake but I get that’s not likely… so will carry on as I am! Thank you. X

He’s not interested in you and never was. He slept with you and spends time with you because he likes you somewhat, but not enough to ask you on a date, which means there is no future for a relationship here. Men don’t “use” women for sex. Unless you were raped, you willingly slept with him. Don’t use sex to manipulate men into a relationship. It doesn’t work, and it’s not fair to accuse them of using you. You didn’t do anything to make this guy not like you. He was never interested in the first place.