Home › Forums › How To Get My Ex Back › Was I rebound? and is there a chance he will come back?
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J.
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Emily
I met a guy through my friends one night back in April, he was just about to start in the career I had just started applying for. We talked about that but he had a girlfriend at the time and nothing further happened. In late August we ended up matching on Bumble and talked heaps on there and he asked me on a date. The date was the best first date I had ever been on, there was no awkward moments and we got along so well. We then caught up on dates a few more times after that and because we both still live at home we met each others families and were staying the night at each others houses.
I had at this point been accepted into the career and as a bit of a background it is 8 months of training which is pretty much like school again, you have exams you have to pass through out and placements.
Anyway, we would see each other around work, stay at each others houses a couple nights a week and usually go out on the weekend together. I was told by many of our friends and family that they thought we both had the same personality and sense of humour and some of his friends said that he really liked me.
Some thing you should know is that we are both 23 and he has a 5 year old daughter. This was never an issue for me as I love kids and was told by many of his friends that it was the best thing that happened to him and when he told me his dad was never in his life I understood that he was trying to be better than his dad.
We only ended up dating for 6 weeks but in that 6 weeks he told me he was considering me meeting his daughter which is a massive thing. He started sending me photos and videos of her on snapchat and everything. We talked about what we would do on the day that I got to meet his daughter but we both knew it was too soon at that moment.
He also smoked which was an issue as I am asthmatic. He asked me if I liked smoking on one of our first dates and I said I hated it and since then he never did it around me and would never stop what we were doing to go have one, he would always do it when I was getting ready in the morning or getting ready for bed.
But I used to make jokes about it a lot over text (we used to text all the time). I would say that he wasn’t going to get kisses from me if he had a cigarette and these jokes would escalate to us saying we weren’t going to talk ever again and sending funny GIF’s saying bye. However, these were always jokes and he always went along with them and even put the cigarette emoji next to my name in his phone. But one saturday I started up the jokes again and he mentioned how its an addiction and I said something along the lines of why wont you just quit for me? I didn’t mean it seriously but he turned around and said ‘it worries me that you think you can dictate what I can and can’t do’. Ever since then he was so hard to talk to, it was one of his friends birthdays that night and he was meant to be coming late after something else and I was going in later with my friends that are mutual friends of ours. However, he changed his plans around and went to the other event first so I didn’t get to see him. On the monday I sent him a text apologising for the smoking comment and that if the jokes were annoying him that I will stop because I see so many good qualities in him that outweigh the fact that he smokes.
He texted me back saying he feels like I am already trying to control him and that he isn’t sure where his head is at right now because of this and he has a lot to consider with his daughter and work and he doesn’t think he should be seeing anyone right now. and that he doesn’t want it to be awkward at work when we walk past each other.
(With work he failed one of his exams while I was with him which means he goes back 2 weeks with a new group and doesn’t get to graduate with the group he started with, which is a massive deal and can imagine how stressed and embarrassed he would have been because of it).
I was a bit reactive to this message saying that I felt like I had gotten played and that it was all fake because he had wanted me to meet his daughter and then all of sudden he wants nothing to do with me. (He even got me 12 long stem roses delivered for my birthday which was 3 weeks into dating me).
He said I was taking this all wrong and this was never his intention and ended up just saying I don’t know what else to say, I’m sorry.
I then asked on the Saturday if we could catch up to talk about what happened because it was done over text. He turned around and said he was really busy at the moment because he was starting his 3 weeks placement.
Things were said by his friends to me that it wasn’t that long since the breakup with his ex (they were together for over a year and then broke up for a while, they got back together when I met him back in April but apparently broke up in June and me and him started talking late August) I completely understand if he is not over his ex and that he is scared about introducing someone new into his daughters life because the ex was a massive part of her life and it didn’t end well and the ex still is part of the daughters life through the daughters mum (he has no contact with the ex anymore so it is not his choice that she still sees the daughter).
A few other things were said about the situation and I stupidly messaged them to him asking if we could catch up to talk about everything that is going on, not to get back together but so I can get closure and he just said he is still busy
I messaged him about catching up again and he just said he doesn’t see the point we were together for 6 weeks not 3 years. This comment absolutely crushed me because I honestly felt like I was falling for this guy and he had told me he really liked me, we had met each others families and got along really well, he wanted me to meet his daughter, we both deleted our bumbles. So to me everything was going really well and he just treated it as if it was nothing.
I messaged him back saying those things like asking why he said he wanted me to meet his daughter if he didn’t see this relationship going anywhere? and a few other questions like that and then said we didn’t have to be civil at work. (we had been broken up for 5 weeks by this point).
I got no response to this message and I regretted sending it, so two weeks later I sent a message saying happy birthday to him and his daughter (was hers the next day) and I apologised for my previous message that I was emotional/ over-thinking everything and I let that come across in my texts. I said ‘I know our relationship went really quickly and neither of us knew how to slow it down. I understand that ending things is what you wanted/needed, I just wish things hadn’t ended up the way they have between us’
He ended up responding saying “thanks bridge appreciate it good luck on your placement’.
I had no contact with him for 3 weeks after that but I broke my no contact recently because I hit a low point and thought that his last message was a good sign and that since we got along so well and nothing seriously bad happened between us to cause the break up that we could be friends. We have a few mutual friends so we will have to go to events in the future and I am going to have to see him at work when we go back after the holidays and I don’t want us to be those people at a party that can’t be in a room together.
I tried to send the text that I had read about “asking for advice’
I said “I am planning on getting a tattoo, can I get any advice from you?’ (he has quite a lot of tats and I have none but am actually going to be getting one) (I sent this on the 27th December)
He never responded. he clearly doesn’t want to be friendly.
I hate that after all this, all I want is him back!
I am constantly feeling confused because I feel like I didn’t get closure and I think it would help me.
He only has 3 weeks left of his training at work and then he will graduate and I won’t see him around at work anymore.
I don’t know whether his reason when he said he has a lot going on and mentioning work was genuine because he does still have one more exam and prac to pass in Jan and he has already failed one once before. So I don’t know if once he is graduated things might calm down for him and he might come back.
Or if the reasons he gave aren’t the real reasons and that he realised he lost interest in me.
Or was I a rebound?
I have since found out through mutual friends that apparently he is very hot and cold with girls and this isn’t the first time but I have also been told he doesn’t usually let it go for that long and they don’t meet the family or say he wants them to meet his daughter. So now I have no idea what to believe.
I know I need to stop contacting him. He also still watches my snapchat story and are friends on facebook, I have made him unfollow me on instagram though (without him knowing).
I am so confused right now, it has been 10 weeks and I still cry over how much I miss this guy, my parents mentioned that they have never seen me so happy.
What do I do from here? Should I just move on or is there something else I should be doing to try get him back?
Do I give up or keep trying?
I am also going to see him on Monday at work, and now that he is ignoring my messages I don’t know how I should react around him.
(Sorry for how long this is but I thought all the little things were relevant to the breakup)FYI this was my first ever form of relationship, I have been single my entire life and he was the first guy I have let in and started to fall for, I know it was only 6 weeks but on our first date I felt like I had known him forever. I know that everyone says the first is always the hardest but I didn’t think it would be this hard.
Honeypie
Emily, This is painful to read. Your hurt, obsessional thinking and desperation is jumping off the page.
Honey you have to LET THIS GO
You don’t need closure… it’s closed. He’s done. When we first get together with someone we are thrown into an ocean of intoxicating emotion and lots of people get totally carried away. It doesn’t mean he didn’t genuinely think those things at the time. We all get carried away as these feelings are powerful. They either evolve into something stronger and sustainable or the fade off. He’s right- six weeks isn’t long. He doesn’t feel the way you want him to feel any longer. It was short lived. It’s finished Emily.
He hasn’t been cruel or horrid, he hasn’t been able to handle your contact so hasn’t responded. He could have done, he could have told you to leave him alone but he hasn’t and he chose to try and be nice when you sent that text by wishing him well. You are spiralling out of control and it to the situation – likely due to this being your first relationship. This guy can’t be any clearer. He did want to be with you, and now he doesn’t. That won’t change. It’ll be good when he isn’t around you any more and you need to focus on thinking about him less and analysing this less. It is over and every attempt you make to make it not so and every conversation you have with friends or family trying to analyse this further is a waste of your life Emily. Stop it. Let it go
Honeypie
To add in above: you are spiralling out of control and it is disproportionate to the situation is what it should read.
MHC
Sadly, I have to agree with Honeypie. When I read the sentence “I had no contact with him for 3 weeks after that but I broke my no contact recently because I hit a low point and thought that his last message was a good sign”, my heart sank, because to me his last message wishing you good luck with your placement was as clear a “goodbye and all the best” message as it could possibly be and definitely wasn’t any kind of sign he wanted more contact or to be friends.
It is so hard to accept a break-up when it’s not what you want, it can be the worst kind of pain and the fact it was only a short relationship doesn’t make it any easier. The best advice I can give you, though, is to try not to fixate on thinking that the reason for the break-up was that you weren’t good enough or said/did something wrong. All it means is that you and he weren’t the right people for each other – and as patronising as this may sound, you will eventually meet someone who will make you realise that far more clearly than me saying it. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, spend time with good friends and family, allow yourself time to be sad but also do as much as you can to make yourself happy. You will get past this.
Lane
I do think the constant nagging on his smoking was a major turn off. You were not joking, you were cloaking your unhappiness with his smoking and trying to pass it off as a joke…it would get super old very quick to the person on the receiving end of it.
You don’t understand the psychological affects of an addict, its not something they can just turn off at will or the word “addiction” wouldn’t be in the dictionary. Can you stop taking your asthmatic medicine when you have an asthma attack? Probably not which is the same type of psychological affect an addict has with their vice—its something they NEED to feel normal just like your medicine makes you feel normal.
If you can’t be around a smoker then don’t date a smoker from hereon…problem solved. Also need to acknowledge that you were over-controlling in such a short period of time and its not a trait that attracts men, at least for long. Your hyper-focus on him even after the breakup is a sign that your need to control is over-the-top and may need to evaluate the way you operate in adult relationships with men. A grown adult man has the right to smoke if he wants to and if you can’t be around smokers then you remove yourself from the smoker v. demanding they quit just to appease you. When a woman starts playing the ‘mommy role’ they are going to be single pretty quick—something you might want to reflect on and adjust going forward.
kaye
As some of the others have said this is very painful to read! You seem obsessed with this guy and just won’t let it go! I can understand this was your first relationship so you feel you need closure but you don’t. He doesn’t want to be with you so there is nothing he can say to make you feel any better. As a matter of a fact if you did meet and talk about why he wanted to break up you would probably walk away with more questions than answers. Because this was a short relationship you are holding onto this ideal of him that he was the perfect man for you. He’s NOT!! He’s a smoker, has a daughter from a previous relationship, has issues because his dad was never in his life, still lives at home and has an ex who he isn’t over and still has a relationship with his daughter! Don’t you see he was with her for a year and wasn’t over her. The two of you only dated for 6 weeks and you don’t have the emotional bond with him he had with the ex. He made it clear this was over and you kept badgering him to meet for closure to the point he had to tell you this was only 6 weeks and not 3 years!! It doesn’t matter if he had mentioned you meeting his daughter during that time or not. I’m older than you and I’ve dated several men for less than 3 months and met their kids. The point is you were just getting to know each other at 6 weeks and neither of you could know if this would be long term. You showed him some controlling tendencies he didn’t like and then you became the crazy ex who wouldn’t go away and kept messaging him.
I don’t understand why you are confused. It’s been 10 weeks. He had made no effort to talk to you, see you or meet about the breakup. He is moving on with his life and you should be to. There will be a day when you can look back on this and see clearly this was not the man for you. Delete him off everything!! Every social media platform, your phone, EVERYTHING!! Don’t contact him again and truly make an effort to move on instead of wallowing in the WHAT IF.
Khadija
Please stop reaching out to this guy he has made it very clear its over.
Since its your first “Break up” you have no idea how to deal with it.
My suggestion is focus on you and not him. So what if you see him later down the road at a party its not that big of a deal.
Take this as a learning lesson, find someone who doesn’t smoke, isn’t fresh out of a relationship,take your time, and avoid seeing people in the workplace.
Also with the background you gave about him he was not a catch.
Hopefully sooner than later you can see that this was all for the best.
You are 23 and working to be a career woman, that’s awesome. Don’t let a guy you barely knew bring you down.
Best wishes!
Andrea
I don’t think the smoking comments were the issue at all. He fully participated in all the joking regarding it. However, he decided to use the smoking situation as a convenient excuse to back off AFTER he’d already decided he wanted out. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to determine if you were played/a rebound or if he wanted out for another reason. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that he doesn’t feel you are The One. Begging, pleading, calling, texting, etc isn’t going to change his mind. In fact, these desperate behaviors are turning him off even further. The only small chance you have is to completely disappear from his life (and to be happy and aloof if you have to be around him at work). Once the dust settles, only IF he starts missing you tremendously AND believes his life was better with you in it AND feels you are the best dating option he can get will he return. Or, if he’s a game player, he may return to play more games. The fact that he said he wanted you to meet his daughter means absolutely nothing. People can say anything! Maybe he meant it at the time, maybe he was telling you what you wanted to hear to butter you up. The point is that those plans never materialized. You need to go back to No Contact for the purpose of healing and moving on. I promise you that one day sooner than you think if you stay in No Contact, you won’t know where he is or what he’s doing, and you won’t care. How long it takes to get there depends on how many times you keep opening the wound by making contact and obsessing over details that don’t matter.
J
“I said I hated it and since then he never did it around me and would never stop what we were doing to go have one, he would always do it when I was getting ready in the morning or getting ready for bed.”
The second you started making jokes about an addiction that is super duper tough to kick is where you screwed yourself dear. He may even be able to laugh at himself- inside its a serious battle.
Instead of making jokes you should have thanked him for being considerate. He would have been more inclined to quit for you like you wanted to impress you or win you over. It looks like he was starting to until you burned that bridge going overboard with the same joke. Joke about a personal vice once if you must. Let it go after.
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