Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › “ was I WRONG”? Advice please
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Liz Lemon.
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TATIANA
Hi everyone. I hope you are all week and safe.
I started dating this man back in December. He sounded like a great guy and is a fun man. He was making future plans right from the beginning witch I though was too soon.
I did post here before about him.
Anyways, from the first time there he had his girlfriend showing up when I was there to pick up her mail( he said she never lived there). After a few times him bringing her name up in conversations and I got annoyed, he said he was taking care the her mail would be forward somewhere. ( It did not happen).
Two weekends ago he invited me over. I had plans to help a friend but said I could be there between 5:30-6:30 PM.
At 5:43 he sent me a picture of his car filled with construction supplies and that he was at the store. I said text me when you get home. At 6:52 he sent me a text saying I am home and is all done. I was 30 minutes away. I texted back sayi g I am leaving in 15 minutes.
I went on the bathroom, than got in my car to go when he called saying he had sent me a text and saying he had done something that was going to really upset me.
He said he had asked his ex to go to his house and cut his son’s hair. Said she never went into the house and he paid her. it was not free. Now, since day one it has been an issue with this ex and another one that keeps texting him. He also said he knows everything that upsets me and one of it is I don’t like that he talks to his ex’s.
I got to his house, walked by him and went to his room and took my belongings that I had on his chest drawers and yes I was furious. I told him he is a liar, a cheater and coward. If he wanted to break up he could have done it the right way. Not doing crap to upset me so I could leave.
Tha evening he sent message saying he really care for me and wanted to work things out.
Two days later ai went by and he never apologized, said I stormed in and ran out and that he wants to get through the next couple months , he has too much going one and he wanted to stay friends for now. I said no friendship. Either we are B/Girfriend or nothing. I was not going to be on a friend zone. We talked a couple more times and still he sees no wrong doing of his part, insisting his ex is just an Ex. He also said he was not going to say good bye to me because he never closes doors. we talked again through text and when I brought up the fact I feel he is back with the ex he said “YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE”.
Am I wrong to be bother with this ex constant presence there to pick mail? with him in contact with every ex? was I wrong to end things? I feel I was used to cause jealousy on the ex so she could return to him.
I feel like such a looser for loosing my cool.
Even worse now ha he said I am impossible.
Please give some constructive advice and criticism please. If I am at wring I want to change my ways so I do not ruin my next relationship.TATIANA
Sorry. typo.
I meant all well and safe.mell
Exes are sort of a difficult topic. For a start, different people are OK with different amounts of ex-contact. For some people any contact is difficult, for others, friendly but distant and occasional contact is OK, and for some, they can be best buds. It all really depends on a lot of things.
But one of them is how comfortable the new partner is with it all. And it’s clear that you aren’t comfortable with exes being part of the picture. Perhaps you could use some counselling to work on jealousy (it’d help most people and their relatoinships to be honest), it’s quite possible to find a man whose exes aren’t popping round frequently. Since this is something you can’t get past, it seems that you made the right decision.
It’s not inappropriate of him to ask his ex to cut his son’s hair (is this the kid’s mum or a different ex?), but in the context of all his other ex-communication, I can see why it would bother you. From your post, I get the impression that he is in frequent contact with multiple exes, and you feel that they are very much an active part in his life. You don’t give us enough inofrmation for us to tell if he has any feelings for them – perhaps the interactions are purely platonic. However, if they make you uncomfortable and if he’s not willing to tone it down, then leaving is beter than a lifetime ofarguing with him about it.
Presumably his ex lives somewhere, and yeah, after you break up it’s generally expected for you to move out and take your mail with you. He really should have sorted it by now, especially since he’s aware you’re not comfortable with his ex dropping by to pick up mail regularly. I feel lots of new partners would feel threatened by this – because the ex receiving mail there gives the impression it’s still her space and territory, and she’s still a feature in his life.
I’m not surprised he wants to stay friends – according to your story he’s in regular contact with multiple exes. But it seems like he doesn’t register how much this has upset you at all. He should be able to at least see that you’re really cross and hurt – so it seems odd for him to suggest being friends straight after a breakup.
He doesn’t seem to understand appropriate friendship (with exes where there are no romantic feelings on either side and where people aren’t angry) which makes me suspect he just keeps exes around and doesn’t really appreciate what healthy boundaries are. You’re right not to try to be friends with him, it’d only be upsetting for you.
Ss
I think the way you dealt with the situation is wrong but not the reasons you were upset. This storming in and out stuff is really immature and I’m not surprised he has friendzoned you because of it because he probably doesn’t want to date someone that overreacts.
He doesn’t sound good with confrontation and seems to keep exes as friends or at least offer friendship as a way to soften the blow of dumping someone.
With his exes he doesn’t have healthy boundaries. Perhaps if you had spoken calmly about it things could have been worked out but you couldn’t seem to manage being calm.
I get why you feel jealous but i would also point out he didn’t hide these interactions with his exes from you and you went off the deep end accusing him of cheating etc. From what you have said it doesn’t sound like he was cheating. This is not a good relationship and you are right to not accept friendship but you do need to work on yourself and your behaviours
mama
My suggestion is that when you set boundaries for what is acceptable and not acceptable for you in a relationship, you need to be prepared to walk if someone doesn’t respect them. Not 6 months later — the minute someone shows you they don’t respect your boundaries, you need to put yourself first. Don’t be angry and stay only to take it out on someone else, just because they won’t change. Yes he was messy when it came to his exes, but he’s not going to change unless he himself decides to change. What he’s doing is working for him (in his eyes).
You don’t have any control over others, only yourself. You should have moved on earlier when you realized this was becoming a big problem for you. Lesson learned.
Calling him a cheater is probably unfair. If I were you I would apologize for that, then close your own door on him. He lives a messy life and it’s not good for your needs.
Tatiana
He told me that after he broke up with her, she was there a couple times for booty calls.
He also has cameras everywhere in his house. I did apologize for acting immature.Raven
He was testing you…
He could have said nothing- but instead he told you & knowing you would be upset…He’s also got cameras all over his house?!
He sounds like a dream
*sarcasm*mama
Tatiana,
You said one ex came around when you were there to get her mai l. Then he said he’d get her mai l forwarded after you were angry and that did not happen. You said that in your original post. THAT is what I was referring to.Right there — that was your boundary. That was him showing you who he was and how your boundaries were not important to him. What HE wants is important to him. By continuing to date him after he failed to follow through with something that was important to you, you let him know it was okay with you.
Stick up for yourself and be strong enough to walk away when it isn’t a good fit. I’m glad you owned up to your behavior, that’s something strong women do. :)
Lane
I absolutely think you overreacted and have a serious case of insecurity and jealousy issues.
First, you’re not his mommy, and have no right to tell a grown man who he can or cannot talk to; who’s mail can or cannot be delivered to his home; nor who can or can’t cut his son’s hair.
Second, if you don’t like men having friendships or contact with exes, then don’t date them! If that’s one of your boundaries, then don’t cross your own boundary. Problem solved.
Lastly, if you want to act or behave like a controlling ball & chain, and believe throwing temper tantrums when you don’t like something a guy your dating say’s or does is how you deal with issues or problems, then you’re probably not going to have guy’s hang around for long.
People can be on ‘good behavior’ for a little bit but its the behavior they reveal after that will tell you the type of individual they truly are. You revealed a very dark side of yourself and I wonder if there’s a bigger issue going on with you than some guy you’ve known for a short time having communication with an ex? You can’t control him; can’t control her; but you can control YOU.
mama
@Lane, I personally am fine with people being friends with their exes, generally speaking.
But the OP wanted what she wanted (for a guy to not be friends with his exes), which is fine for her. To each his own. It’s just the whole ordeal of dragging another person down and through the mud when you try to change them into meeting your own needs. That’s the uncool part. That’s soul sucking when people do that to each other.
I don’t understand why women find a guy then try to change him into something different. Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It will never be a good fit! Just go find another guy!
Maybe there’s a guy out there who thinks being friends with exes is horrible. That’s who she needs to find — and she will probably be more content and happy, and less angry.
I’m being a bit facetious, but the gist is to stop trying to make other people into something else. Just accept them for who they are, and decide whether it’s okay for your own needs. If not, then move on.
TATIANA
Lane,
Yes I have a problem with all you stated.
Is ok for casual contact with an ex girlfriend. Is not ok with me for this ex girlfriend cone by as she pleases and walking in his house as if she leaves there.
No wonder he would go cleaning the place up with a
tooth comb. The day the clear plastic back of my earnings failed on the bathroom floor, he took 20 minutes searching for it.
No I am not ok with his behavior and I do not regret leaving.
If he did respect my boundaries this early, he was going to turn me into his doormat booty call. No. thank you.
Yes I sure need to work on my jealousy as you call it, but I rather not have him than put up with his exs BS.
So if we stayed together was she going to go on vacations with us also? She knew we were together. It sure did not bother her.TATIANA
mama
I was not trying to change him.
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He told me he wants to be authentic and transparent and that anything that would bother me or I felt was going to cause a dent in our relationship, to let him know. any woman that I felt was an issue for us to let him know. That he had made mistakes on his previous relationship and he did not want to ruin this one.
All he told me, he did the opposite.
His interactions with her is inappropriate
He leaves a copy of his house keys in a drawer outside for her.
Yes, I am u comfortable.
If he wanted a relationship with me, why is the ex coming and going? He told me they broke up almost a year ago, when we broke up he said was four months ago. I believe not only I was a rebound, but also a took to make her jealous. He made every effort to parade me around in front of her. He would drive by her neighborhood showing me the area. I found out later that she lives in the same area.
So yes, I am not comfortable. Should I have handle it better? Totally. waled and never looked back.TATIANA
walked and never looked back.
Jennifer
I think Lane sized up this situation perfectly and gave you good advice.
Overreacting, accusing him of cheating, storming out…that’s an immature way to respond. Being able to keep your cool and think before acting out is how grown ups behave. Always take the high road and control your emotions, regardless of how upset you are. Then, after you take time to mull it over and do a gut-check, you can decide if you need to have a conversation with him or end it. But, injecting a lot of drama can damage a relationship and shut the door on all your options. I wish you all the best.
Liz Lemon
It strikes me that the boyfriend texted the OP saying he’s done something that he knew will really upset her, and then proceeded to tell her he had invited his ex over to cut his son’s hair. So the boyfriend is well aware that his closeness with his exes is a bone of contention with the OP. He’s well aware of the dynamic and plays right into it.
I’m pretty laid back, but I would not be OK with my boyfriend leaving a copy of his keys for his ex to use so she could go in and out of his house, or having her mail sent to his house. Even paying the ex to cut the son’s hair was weird. If you’re going to pay anyway, why not take him to a barber? Why would you call your ex to cut your child’s hair? (I’m assuming she wasn’t the child’s mother?) I wouldn’t like it either. That’s my personal boundary.
So I understand why you were uncomfortable with all this, OP. But, as the others said, the way you handled it was immature. Storming out of his house, accusing him of cheating, etc. This is a guy you’ve been dating 5 months? That’s too much drama for such a short relationship (or any relationship, really, but my point is you’ve barely started dating). And it sounds like you and this guy are a very bad fit, because you get really upset, and he KNOWS you’ll get really upset, but you both fall into that dynamic.
It’s better that you just end it with this guy and find one who’s a better fit for you (someone who isn’t friends with their exes). And as Jennifer said, you should learn to control yourself in emotionally charged situations– it never helps to blow up during a disagreement.
Tatiana
Jennifer and Liz Lemon
I agree 100% that I acted out and did not handle well, but has been doing this thing with the ex from day one. She is not the kids mother. I actually encouraged him to act civilized with the kids mother. There were lots of friction between the two.
I am convinced the whole thing was done to upset me so I could break up. He is very good at mind games.
He knew what he was doing. I broke up with him and he them asked fir us to talk and reconsider. when we talked he said he changed his mind and needed a couple months break. He sugested a friendship. I declined.
He said to me he has no reason to apologize and he had been honest from day one. No he was not. the ex thing just kept changing and time went by. One day she was just a short relationship, next she was this or that. a
I do not regret breaking up. I regret loosing my cool.
I agree with you girls. I need to work on my emotions so I can handle things calmly.Lane
Mama, I agree with you 100%! I am not the type to stay in contact or communicate with exes, even with my ex husband who I have two kids with lol.
My BF on the other hand does. I originally wasn’t too sure I wanted to deal with it until I was able to get some intel. He primarily communicates with his daughter’s mom, as they did co-parent for over 15 years,and their daughter is close to both of them, so I have no issue with that as most of their communication is about her. Then I met his last ex where they were still both apart of a close social circle (circle of friends) who didn’t divorce them when he ended it. She is f’n crazy when she drinks, which is the only way I’ve pretty much seen her, yet my BF has established very strong boundaries with that one, actually impressed me in how he’s handled her in the few occasions I witnessed her crazy drunk side. It became evident, that communication with an ex wasn’t going to be a problem in our relationship, and it hasn’t been at all.
I would never tell a man to stop talking to his ex but I will tell a man “adios” if I deem its going to be a problem before it becomes a problem. That’s the mature way of handling it :o)
Jennifer
Tatiana,
You did the right thing ending it with this guy. Whether or not he’s playing games, the bottom line is you don’t trust him. That alone is relationship ending for whatever reason.
As for losing your cool, I think we’ve all been there and that’s how we learn. You will be wiser the next time you think a guy is jerking you around and being dishonest. Your gut is a lot “smarter” now having been through this experience. And, remember, when you feel the anger rising, count to ten and take a break before you say anything. Once the words and accusations are out there, it’s tough to walk it back and undo it. Cooling off is better before you say anything.
I wish you all the best in finding the right guy for you. He’s out there :) (I’m doing the same thing!)
redcurleysue
I don’t like these “friendships” with exs charades. Either you are with someone or not. Too many questions and too loose of boundaries. Now if you have to co-parent that is different but it needs firm boundaries….
Look, when a man really loves you then you and how you feel is his priority. Simple really.
Do not settle for less than top branch. Also, be mature in your dealings.
TATIANA
All of your advices were great.
I sure do need to work on how to control my emotions. I am not excusing myself here, but he kept bringing this ex on our conversations. Unnecessary comments. Eventually it got me. I tried ignoring, but there is much one can ignore.
Thank you all for your input.
Gave a better view of setting boundaries and what when to walk out.Liz Lemon
From what you wrote it definitely sounds to me like this guy was jerking you around and rubbing the ex in your face. It’s one thing to be on good terms with an ex. But giving her free access to his house (which is more than he’d do for a regular friend- I’m sure his friends don’t have access to his house like that!), is suspicious. And throwing her in your face constantly, is sh*tty behavior. So you did the right thing in ending it. We live and we learn, next time you’ll know what your boundaries are around this issue and you’ll walk away sooner!
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