We made plans to meet but he's now quiet

how far is his country? you know , maybe he is not even real? maybe he was just there for attention and never really wanted to meet?
I know a lot of people are ok with long distance etc but men are not really build for it, they need to spend time with someone to fall in love etc. it is ok if you meet someone spend time and then leave to live in another country , because you created a bond, but if you meet someone once and then wait weeks to see that person again, it won’t work in most cases.
So chances are he met someone else closer, I wouldn’t bother contacting him again. The fact that he is online and not reading your message says a lot about him. It says I am a man not worth investing in.

Given that he sent you a long message telling you where to find things you are interested in seeing and has now stopped responding to you, I’d take that as he’s checked out. You’ll likely find yourself blocked soon.

Forget about him. Go and enjoy your two days that you booked.

Lessons for the future. One, don’t talk with a man every day for two months before agreeing to meeting. It creates false intimacy. You think you know someone by talking so much, but that’s not real life and I’ve seen this time and again, that when you meet in person after all this talking, it almost always falls flat. The personal chemistry isn’t there. Two, don’t go through so much effort to meet a man. If he’s that interested in you, he should come to you first if you’re in different locations.

Why did you change your location to his country? Why are you so bent on meeting someone there when you don’t live there?? Think about it – it’s not fair to put yourself forward on a dating site as living in a place where you don’t live at this point, and it’s a set-up for problems like this.

Here are the possible reasons he’s ghosting you: he isn’t really single, he was only bored and looking for attention or only a penpal when he got on the dating site, he met someone else, he’s got cold feet, he promised to drive 8 hours to another city and changed his mind, he decided he doesn’t want to do long distance, he isn’t really who he says he is, he never had any real intention of meeting you. And that’s why you have to be so careful about connecting with someone who isn’t local.

Thanks ladies for your replies.
He lives in the UK (not a highly visited part) and I live in Netherlands but I am not originally from Europe. Before booking the tickets, I looked him online to make sure he was real. I found his Facebook and LinkedIn profile and saw that the stuff he told me about himself was real. We work in similar industries also. So I know that he’s a real person. I did the LinkedIn check in anonymous mode cos I didn’t want to look like I was stalking.

He had also told me that he prefers to meet people in real life after a few chats online but I know he has several female friends (met some from dating apps) he has never met. He encouraged us meeting. I was flying to a major city very close to him (my choice) and he was coming down to meet me there. He had no problems coming as he said he goes there a lot and has frequent train and even bus connections and could be there in an hour and a half.

I do agree that communicating a lot (texts, phone calls and video calls) made it seem like we were closer than we were. I thought we were at least friends (maybe with potential for more). He was always sharing his days and his life with me. I know the names of practically most people in his life and where he met them. I was waiting to meet to validate the potential for more part. I expressed to him how friendship to me is important in relationships as a foundation and he agreed. He also talked a lot and I realised we share the same value and similar reasoning. This is why I am really surprised by the turn of events.

I will not contact him anymore and I will go on this trip. I am opening to moving elsewhere in the future. I have had really bad experiences with the local men where I live. Some of them think I am something exotic to “try”. That’s why I am okay with changing locations to places I find interesting on the dating apps and expanding the area search range.

The trust is broken and if he ever contacts me again, I don’t believe I can ever pick things up back to at least where we were before things went awry.

My friend suggested someone in my friendship group doing some more digging but I don’t think it’s worth it. I also went back on the dating app and checked out men where I am visiting. I am open to moving to a place for love. So are we saying looking at different places I am actually not in but okay with moving to is a silly idea?

I don’t think he lied to you about who he was (in response to your first paragraph). I also don’t think he went into this consciously planning to string you along. He probably had every intention of meeting you. I’m sure he enjoyed talking to you and getting to know you. It’s just that when it came time to put his money where his mouth is (so to speak), he chickened out.

It’s definitely not worth doing more digging. And you’re smart not to trust him anymore. What he did is a major violation of trust.

I don’t think it’s as simple as saying it’s “good” or “bad” to look for love in different countries/locations that are long distance. But it’s more risky because you have more to lose. You invest a lot of time, emotion, and energy in getting to know someone with no idea as to whether they will even meet you (as you have just experienced). If you date local guys, you chat with them briefly, and then meet soon so that you can see if there’s chemistry. You find out more quickly whether or not it will work, and if it doesn’t, it’s easier to move on to the next guy. With long distance guys, you wind up chatting for months and getting more invested and attached in someone that you don’t really know. So if you choose to look for guys that are long distance, that’s your decision, but I think it will be difficult to find a relationship successful enough to move for. It does happen sometimes, but most of the time it’s not possible to build a successful relationship starting long distance.

I totally agree with Ewa’s point about long distance relationships being a holiday. That’s really important to remember.

I’ve been in long distance relationships with guys in other countries….when I would visit, it was always a holiday, or we’d take a trip somewhere and have a wonderful vacation. But we didn’t get to know each other in real-life context. In one relationship, the guy started planning to move to be with me, he came to stay with me for several months, and you know what? The relationship deteriorated and ended because we didn’t get along in a real-life context. Our “relationship” was nothing but a holiday with phone calls in between. It wasn’t based on having to deal with real-life issues (work, family, cleaning house, sharing expenses etc…plus the stress of things like visas and work authorization if the person is not a citizen of your country). I found that I didn’t even LIKE the guy in real-life situations…he was a better travel partner than anything.

It’s very easy to be on your “best behavior” and show your best side when you only see someone for a short period every once in awhile. When you spend time with a boyfriend regularly (several times a week, for example), you see his moods, you see what irritates him, you see how he treats you when he’s not having a good day, you see all sides of him…so you have a better idea if he is someone you can live with.

So a long distance relationship isn’t based in reality, unfortunately. From the beginning it’s too compartmentalized and removed from your real life. You don’t really know each other no matter how much you talk on the phone or visit each other.

Do more digging… for what? What’s done is done and at this stage it doesn’t matter why he flaked, the point is he flaked. And you’re done with him, which is wise.

My two cents – the “I’ll move for love” plan is setting you up for a lot of pain and lost time you can’t get back. If you want to move to where you are visiting, just move. Or go spend a month or two. It’s a lot of pressure to put on someone to say, well if we hit it off, I’m willing to relocate. Liz’s cautionary tale, you should pay close attention to, because that’s what will happen more times than not. LDRs often fall apart when the fairytale gets a big dose of reality dropped in. One big thing to consider – if you’re not British, you’re going to deal with a lot of cultural differences. Ewa’s advice is right on. And if you would need a visa to remain longer than 3-6 months, you’re really putting yourself at someone else’s mercy.

Here’s my cautionary tale – I have a cousin who got divorced a few years ago and decided to try meeting men in London online because she thought she was willing to move from the US west coast over there. She talked with a man (mostly by video so she saw him) almost daily for six months. She went to meet him over the summer and the whole thing fell apart within a week. In person, she felt no physical attraction and on his side, he found that an American was a lot of work he wasn’t used to and didn’t really want to deal with. And after spending three weeks in London, she realized it might not be a place she’d want to live full time.

Just go and enjoy yourself for the time you’re there, and stop shopping for more men to fit in on this trip. ;)

Absolutely everything that Maddie said.

A reminder to us all: a man (or a partner) is not a plan. You have to have your own plan first and foremost.

Ha, sorry for the double post, I tried it once and my screen froze and it didn’t look like it had posted….I guess I got my point across, lol!

If it has been more than 24 hours since your message, I would block him and move on. Have a fun trip!

Thnx for the update. And glad to see that you put behind the setback and set out to hv a gud holiday! Yeah just block n delete that fellow.