We started too fast and slowed down, but now I’m just confused

It is technically a rebound, but I don’t think rebounds are 100% destined to fail. I want to give this a fair chance and I do have genuine feelings for him. My brother started dating his now fiancé only two weeks after a breakup and they made it work.

Just adding: a rebound by itself is temporary emotional unavailability that can change with a little bit of time if the person was serious about relationships and in the right life stage to begin with. But insecure attachment is indefinite emotional unavailability unless the person is serious about doing a LOT of work for themselves. I think that’s a good summary of the difference.

It sounds to me like you’ve been friend zoned. Sounds more like hang-outs than dates.

I also think that no matter what we say, you are not going to walk away from this guy, despite the fact that this situation is causing you a lot of uncomfortable feelings. You seem determined to let this play out and you’re going to be the cool girl as Maddie said no matter how much pain it’s causing you because you’ve got in your head that this situation worked out for your brother so it can work for you too. So you will continue to audition for the part of official girl friend with high hopes, but it’s not likely you will get the part, you just can’t see it yet. You want more from him than he wants from you and that’s not a great place to be so early in a relationship. And this isn’t a relationship, it’s only a situation-ship.

Guys don’t typically stay with a woman they went through difficult times or “healing” with unless rough times hit when they had already been her for a long time. They heal and move on to the next woman who doesn’t remind them of a time when they were less than their best. Your loyalty and patient caring aren’t going to be rewarded. Those things make a man actually disrespect you in the end.

It’s likely he’s just going to continue enjoying your company until he meets someone else or feels you’re getting too close or want more than he can give. Is it possible this will work? Yes, but you’re taking huge risks and the odds frankly aren’t in your favor. Saying yes to him is saying no to yourself. You’re overriding all your good instincts that are telling you this isn’t a good idea. But – this is a learning experience you apparently need, so all I can do is wish you good luck.

How long ago did your relationship end?

And how long have you been seeing this guy, and how often (how many times a week)? It would be helpful to know the timeline here.

I’m asking because of it’s only been a few weeks/a couple months since you met, it’s way too soon to define the relationship anyway. Even if both folks are healthy and in a good place to date (which it frankly sounds like you both aren’t), it generally takes 3-4 months of dating for a guy to decide of he wants to pursue something serious with a woman. Up until then it’s just getting to know the person and enjoying their company.

There are some good points that have already been made about rebounds, etc. I just wanted to point this aspect out because if you’ve only been dating this guy a few weeks, you’re getting ahead of yourself, which is another aspect of anxious attachment.

Rose, I’m really glad you’ve heard what we’ve said and are going to clarify what’s going on. Protect yourself so you aren’t pointlessly hurt again. It’s one thing to take a worthwhile risk for love, but I’m not sure this guy is a worthy risk. Men will just enjoy your company as long as you allow it, even though they have no intention of taking things any further.

Oh wow…. You started seeing this guy two weeks out of a breakup of a relationship of 7 years? A “messy and painful” breakup by your own description?

Surely you see this is a really bad idea. Are you sure you’re not rebounding really hard? It sounds like this guy is actually being the sensible one here by putting on the brakes before you both get in too deep.

It’s tough! Breakups suck, and it’s hard when you meet someone who seems great but it’s just the wrong time.

I know, believe me I feel stupid for putting myself in this situation. It would be easier if I didn’t like him so much. I immediately got off the app when I realized it was a bad idea, but damage done I guess. It’s fine that he put on the brakes, I agree it was the right thing to do! The hard part is that I have feelings now. We’re going to have a call and I wouldn’t be surprised if it just ended.

Sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately the only way to work through a breakup (I’m referring to your 7 year relationship, not this guy) is by giving yourself time and processing your emotions…not by distracting yourself with a new person. This guy was a distraction. I’m sure he’s lovely and you two had chemistry, but you’re not in a position to start dating now.

Now is the time to embrace your friends, family, hobbies, exercise, travel, volunteering… anything to keep you busy and distract yourself while your heart and mind process the end of your relationship.

You caught feelings, sure, but you only knew this guy for a month. I’m willing to bet some of what you’re feeling is residue from your past relationship. It’s hard to go from being coupled to being single. So much of your identity gets wrapped up with your partner…you share the intimacy, the inside jokes, you have your own little language. It’s hard to lose that. But jumping into someone else’s arms immediately after ending a long term relationship only delays your healing. Give yourself some time so that the next time you meet a guy you click with, who is hopefully also emotionally healthy, you will be in a position to pursue things and see where they go.

Being avoidant attachment myself, I believe a guy has to see value in it. You are definitely having beautiful experiences so if I were you, and really want things to work, I would ebd things and tell him that you feel and believe based in things he has said thar the timing is just not good and that you know what you want for yourself. A guy has to feel freedom to love you (I am also that mindset).