Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › We used to be platonic; now he's treating me like his girlfriend.
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 1 year, 10 months ago by
Cher.
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Cher
Alan & I have known each other for 4 years as classmates and friends. For 3 years, we were platonic friends. At one point we’ve been best friends. At the start of the 4th year, we stopped becoming friends. Why? I postponed on a plan for us to hang out shortly after he had called me to ask if he could come over. I was sad that he made me his enemy for postponing our hangout.
In July, I got close to Alan’s friend, and we had a very short relationship. It ended for a few reasons; one of them being that Alan got into his friend’s laptop and shared a video of me & his friend kissing.
In December, Alan approached me and we reconciled. We became friends again. But something was different. Alan started behaving as if I was his girlfriend. Literally.
Alan started sending me love messages while calling me sweetheart. I told him to stop it. He sent me a meme of wanting to remove my bra. I told him it was inappropriate. He wanted us to cuddle when I slept over at his place, yet we never used to do that. I didn’t agree to cuddle. But I was extremely uncomfortable at his place.
I got irritated with him touching my waist, shoulders and hands, even when he sees I’m not comfortable.He started hugging me tightly, yet we never used to hug before.
My breaking point was when he hugged me while touching my buttocks, it was the most uncomfortable thing. I told him I didn’t want to hug anymore.Telling him not to hug me anymore was so disturbing for him that he repeatedly kept asking why I didn’t want to hug him, and I would tell him that I just didn’t want to.
Two days ago when he asked again, I told him that it’s clear that he doesn’t understand what physical boundaries are.
You know what he did?…he laughed sarcastically and told me “I don’t care”.
I’ve not talked to him for 2 days; he hasn’t reached out with an apology.I know he is trying to establish a FWB situation indirectly. Coz he has neither told me he wants me nor asked me out. In fact, 3 days ago he asked me to take him out on a date or a movie date. I told him I wasn’t interested in doing that and “his mood got bad”. Why would he want me to take him out instead of asking????????????someone please answer me this.
The thing is that, I only see him as a friend. He started making me uncomfortable with touching and asking for cuddles and hugs. Now I know the apology won’t come because he doesn’t even acknowledge that he has violated my physical boundaries severally.
I feel like he thinks he can have me because I briefly dated his friend. So he sees that he should also have me.
Should I demand an apology for him laughing after I told him I have physical boundaries? I’m I still hung on the past friendship that we used to have before our split? Should I tell him that I just want to be friends?? I don’t really have many friends, I am not an island. Is this friendship worth losing y’all…
PS: He has been a good friend, helping me with things and being there for me for just anything. I trust him with anything.
Thank you for your input.
tammy
this is turning into harassment. I think you need to meet him over a coffee and tell him that you only view him as a good platonic friend. And that you are not interested in any kind of fwb arrangements with him. His attempts to touch you make you uncomfortable and is not acceptable to you. if he understands, respects your wishes and is still ok with just being a platonic friend, that’s fine. if he can’t respect your wishes you need to cut him loose.
sometimes dynamics in friendships change. that’s not uncommon. the problem is his feelings seem to have changed whereas yours haven’t. i had a similar situation with one of my besties some years back. not sure what happened but suddenly his feelings for me changed and his expectations from our friendship grew. unfortunately i still saw him as just a great platonic friend and i couldn’t even think of any kind of physical intimacy with him. we had a talk and he said he can’t think of me as just a friend anymore. we stopped meeting post that talk. we do interact once a way over chat even today but no longer hang out like we did.
Liz Lemon
This guy sounds like a creep! “At the start of the 4th year, we stopped becoming friends. Why? I postponed on a plan for us to hang out shortly after he had called me to ask if he could come over. I was sad that he made me his enemy for postponing our hangout.” He said you were his “enemy” because you postponed hanging out?!
“Alan got into his friend’s laptop and shared a video of me & his friend kissing.” Why would you want this creep for a friend!? Seriously. He sounds manipulative and abusive. I don’t think there’s any point in sitting him down and having a conversation about it because he doesn’t sound like the type of person who would care. You need to have a conscience if you’re going to take other people’s wishes into account, and it truly doesn’t sound like he has much of a conscience
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I’d cut him off. You don’t need friends like this. He’s harassing you. I don’t think it’s going to change. Like Tammy said, sometimes the dynamics of friendships change, and you grow apart. I have friends I used to be very close to a few years ago that I don’t even talk to now, just because we grew apart due to life circumstances, not because they were jerks. This guy is a legitimate jerk so there’s even more reason not to talk to him. So in my opinion it’s time to let this “friendship” go.
Raven
Be careful with this guy…
He sounds unhinged & disrespectful.
Tallspicy
This is escalating alarmingly. And I do not believe that talking to him will do a darn thing as you have already asked and told. He ignored and ridiculed you.
I suggest you stop responding to him at and if he insists:
Alan, I am sorry I have been so detached of late. While this is difficult for me to say, I think it is best we no longer spend time together. Several times I have told you I feel uncomfortable, and there has been no change in behavior.. and in fact you ignored and ridiculed what I said. I need to take care of myself. I truly wish you the best.
Tallspicy
If he ignores that, report him to the police
Maddie
You’ve already told him what your boundaries are, and he ignored you. He even laughed. This kind of behavior is one strike and you’re out. If you cannot respond respectfully and stop the first time you’re asked, you’re unsafe to be around. I’d go no contact with this awful guy before something worse happens. Not being able to take no as an answer is a big deal, not an innocent misunderstanding. If he somehow continues to escalate and harass you after cutting him out, Tallspicy is right, file a police report, report him to the school if you’re still students (though YMMV with school reports unfortunately), and at the bare minimum keep everything documented for yourself just in case you need it.
Cher
Thank you for your advice guys. I feel so much better now.
Even if it’s depressing, I realize that he’s no longer the friend I used to have. So I need to cut him loose before something worse happens. -
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