Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › We were getting a long great, but I fear I may have pushed him away
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Geppetto.
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Geppetto
It’s a little long but wanted to offer as much detail as possible. Thank you to anybody who reads the whole thing.
I met a great guy a few months back and we seemed to be getting along/hitting things off really well. A couple weeks ago he did something really nice for me. It was an unexpected gesture that really touched my heart and as a result, I found myself gravitating to him more, reaching out to him more. He had made me feel special and naturally I wanted more of that. The other day he offered me some positive feedback on a project I had taken on, that once again, meant a lot. I reached out and told him that- not so much about the feeling special part, but that his kind words meant a lot. I thought he’d appreciate hearing that his words had a positive impact. His response seemed heartfelt and sincere. He said he doesn’t often reach to congratulate people on a job well done, but when he heard about/saw my project, he wanted to reach out and offer his support. I responded by letting him know that this was a nice gesture, and that it speaks volumes about his character. He responded in kind saying he appreciates all the kind things I say. My last response in that conversation was “I’m glad you do, it’s all I could ask for”. To which he simply responded “Love”. Not an emoji, he typed out the word.
I didn’t hear from him for a couple days, then on Wednesday, I reached out to update him on a project he offered to help with and requested to be updated on. It was a brief update and I told him I’d be in touch next week, after the holiday, with full details. I also mentioned another project I was working on and said I wanted to share it with him once complete if that was ok with him. I then wished him a happy Thanksgiving and that was that.
His response seemed a bit cold from what I had been receiving. He didn’t acknowledge anything I said about either project, but instead left it short and said he’d be travelling for the holidays. So I asked for clarification. Since he mentioned “holidays” I asked if he would be gone through the New Year because if so, I could just hold off and reach out with the update then. There was no rush and I didn’t want to interrupt his vacation. He simply responded with “Thanks” and “Going to be busy for a while”.
I truly believe I may have come on too strong by expressing my appreciation for him and his kindness/support, and that I may have scared him off. I’d really like to try and fix things between us as I do genuinely appreciate him as a person and I value his friendship. But I don’t know where to go from here.
I never said anything inappropriate, nothing sexual, no innuendoes or anything like that. I was texting a lot, yes, and I was perhaps a bit too over effusive in my praise and appreciation with him (re: his earlier kind gesture). But he made me feel special. I think that is a natural reaction to have. I also do realize that it is possible that perhaps this was too much for him (for whatever reason) and backed off. He said he doesn’t text a lot or reach out to people a lot, but does what he can when he can, so maybe I was texting him too much. I really don’t know here.
How can I go about this and how can I fix things with him? I feel bad if I came on too strong, that was never my intention. I had simply been so touched and moved by his kindness I felt it appropriate to let him know how much I appreciated it. But perhaps that was the wrong thing for me to do.
The good news is, he hasn’t blocked me from any of his social media accounts, and we are still “friends”. I just feel like the whole “will be out of the office traveling”/”going to be busy for a while” thing was his was of nicely telling me that I need to leave him alone.
Does anybody have any words of advice, suggestions or just general support? Can this situation be remedied or have I just completely blown it and his vague responses means he doesn’t want to talk to me again? This whole thing is just eating me alive.
Thank you to anybody who read this far.
Raven
Breathe, take a step back & do nothing…
Sit on your hands if you have to. There’s really nothing you can do anyways…Tallspicy
Am I to understand from your post that you work together and are in no way dating?
If so, he is a colleague. He might have a whole life you know nothing about.
I suggest that you look outside of work for romantic prospects, realize at work some people are hot and cold.
Veronica
Do you work together? What is the project?
Sometimes reacting to a compliment with such adoration and surprise implies that you rarely receive them. This isn’t meant as a criticism; simply that if you did a great job at something it’s perfectly natural to be complimented. So you should accept it with grace and say something like, “how kind of you to say, thank you.”
It sounds like he created an opening but you seemed to eager to form a bond over it (too quickly) and he was a bit put off. I wouldn’t text this person again and IF he texts you, wait a long time to reply and don’t write more than a sentence. Nothing effusive, no more compliments.
Geppetto
We are colleagues of a sort, yes. It’s a bit difficult to explain without giving away details I don’t feel comfortable sharing. And no, we are not dating.
I’ve known who he is for a long time. I am familiar with the work he does and have always been an admirer and supporter of his work. We’ve had a few brief interactions on social media, but nothing major.
We’d started talking more within the past couple of months (via DMs; he had reached out to me first), and when when I took on this most recent project, I felt comfortable reaching out to him and asking if he would be able to help. He said he couldn’t help exactly the way I had wanted, but he still wanted to contribute something. So he donated a few things he had that he wasn’t using. Not clothes or anything like that, but things he had made/created. He mailed the items to my office and when I opened the package he sent, and pulled everything out, there was also something special included, a personalized gift just for me, that he created. This really touched my heart because he is a very busy person and his work is highly sought after. It was something that he didn’t have to do, but he did it anyway. It turns out he sent it along as a thank you for supporting him and his work over the years.
While his was going on, I had been working on something else at home. I posted about it on my social media page, and he saw it and decided to reach out. He said he loved how it turned out, and we had quite a lengthy conversation about it. Never in a million years did I expect he would see it, but he did, and once again, I was appreciative that he had reached out. And I want to stress.. it was he who reached out to me. I did not reach out to him.
And just to add… yes I reacted with a lot of adoration for his kind words and actions. It wasn’t just a “nice job” or “looks good” kind of compliment. He praised me for it and we talked about it. He genuinely liked it. So yes, what he said made me happy, it put a smile on my face. I have a great deal of respect for him and his opinions, so his reaction meant a lot to me.
Perhaps- and likely- I was too eager. He was just being kind and supportive and I read too much into that. It just felt like we were connecting and while my intention never was to make him uncomfortable, I simply wanted to be honest with him. “I’ve been going through a lot, it’s been a rough couple months and your kind words meant a lot to me- thank you” that was all I said. But perhaps even that was too much. I guess I’m just no good at expressing my appreciation to people.
Geppetto
Also, it wasn’t just about wanting to be honest with him, I genuinely thought he would appreciate hearing the impact his words had had. And rather than making up a story and lying about it, or just going, “hey you person there. thanks.”, I wanted to be honest with him. I didn’t express love or anything. I just said his words meant a lot and thanked him.
Should I not be doing this with people? Is it wrong to express appreciation? Is it wrong to have positive reactions when people are kind, considerate and selfless?
Geppetto
I wish it was possible to edit previous comments/posts but I want to stress this very clearly: I never meant for my words or actions to come off as anything other than what they were. If there was a misinterpretation or misunderstanding somewhere along the line, I’d like to have the opportunity to explain that to him to salvage whatever friendship we had built up over the last few weeks. I would hate for us to part ways based on a misunderstanding.
Tammy
Let him be. If u know u did nothing wrong and did nt hv any ulterior motive in saying thnx,thn y apologize? He said hes busy, so give him space.
Geppetto
Hi Tammy, thanks s for your response. I understand what you’re saying, And I have no issues giving him space. I’m not asking to be constantly in touch with him every minute of every hour of every day. It’s like I said above, I just don’t want to part ways with him based on a misunderstanding or miscommunication. Sure, I know I had no ulterior motives, but if you did something you know you didn’t do, but somebody thought you did anyway, would you try and correct that person or would you just say, “Oh well”?
I suppose some people would just walk away, but I am not one of those people. I came to appreciate him as a person, his kindness, we had fun and laughed together. It wasn’t a bridge I wanted to burn, but instead hoping to keep it open. Not for romantic purposes, but friendly and collaborative purposes.
Is it so wrong to want to correct a misunderstanding?
Maddie
I don’t think you did or said anything wrong at all, in regards to your communication, and there’s nothing to clear up. I don’t think him pulling back has much to do with you, either. I don’t think there’s a misunderstanding, I think you can take him at his word that he is busy. It sounds like you’ve never met, and there is mutual admiration for each other’s work. It sounds like he is busy with “IRL” stuff, and he’s probably not looking to escalate your interactions further and take them offline beyond what they already are.
So I do think you’re over-investing. Not because you’re not friendly with each other, but because you simply don’t really know other very well and it’s mostly online. I think if you give everything space, then if you interact again after the holidays, everything will go back to “normal.” If you’d like a more meaningful relationship with someone who could become a close friend or partner offline, I don’t think this is the person because you’re not able to spend real quality time together. Receiving validation and care from others is great, but you need to make sure you’re giving yourself enough of those things that any attention doesn’t drive you crazy (“eating me alive”) seeking more from a person or relationship that isn’t going to be able to provide it for you.
But don’t beat yourself up or blame yourself for his behaviors that are out of your control and likely have little to do with you. Lean into others in your support network, any friends or family you may have, so you don’t get too in your head about this or feel very lonely during the holidays. Focus on your projects and recognize that you’re good at what you do, take satisfaction and worth from that. That will help you think less about him and what he’s doing, and feel better about yourself.
Sophia
You keep going on about needing to clear up a misunderstanding, but you’re assuming that because you felt he was abrupt when responding to you. It probably has nothing to do with you, so don’t let it consume your thoughts. Nothing to do but wait until you hear from him again.
Geppetto
Thank you so much for your kind response Maddie. I originally saw this shortly after you posted it, but was working and couldn’t really respond. I’d been mopey and depressed all day, and the last couple hours at work I was smiling a bit more and talking more. So thank you for that.
I don’t think you’re wrong about anything you said, you seemed to pretty much nail it all on the head. I am overinvesting, you’re right. It likely has nothing to do with me at all, so I need to just relax.
My brother gave me similar advice, but you actually helped to unravel the cord and make sense of it all, and I needed that. Thank you.
tammy
he’s told you he’s busy. so you need to accept that and let him be. you think because you went overboard in your praise he may have been put off. but that’s what you think. take a breather and focus on the stuff that you are doing. if he wants to stay in touch, he will revert once he’s not so busy. who knows? but i think after a guy has told me he’s busy when I reached out, I won’t bother him again and let him revert.
Ewa
you are overthinking, there was nothing really there to begin with so you didn’t push him away.
He might be dating someone else, he might even be married. You don’t really know much about this guy.Tallspicy
You are actually depressed about this? Please get some emotional help if that is the case. It seems you take things very personally and overreact to things. Here is what happened… you met someone professionally online, he was gracious and helped you (but you don’t know anything about his real life), he either is busy because of the holidays and only sees you as a acquaintance or friend, or he is not…but realized he gave the wrong impression (maybe he has a girlfriend)… anyhow…
Please work on why something so minor had you literally depressed and unable to smile. You should honor your feelings, but also entertain that this is a gross overreaction to an interaction with someone you really don’t know.
Geppetto
I can certainly understand how and why you’d think that. It’s a difficult situation to explain, that’s why I was looking for help to understand it all. This is not just a random person I had been working with. He’s somebody who’s career I’ve followed for years and whose work has been an inspiration to the work that I do. I have a great deal of respect for him/his work, so naturally, when you have a chance to work with a person you idolize and respect so much, and when they shower you with praise and attention… it can be hard not to get swept up in that. This was like a once-in-a-lifetime chance to work with him. And I allowed myself to get swept up in the excitement of it all. For better or worse.
Looking back now on the past few days, I see the error of my ways. He probably was feeling overwhelmed and he likely needed me to stop so he could get his work done, but just didn’t want to be rude. I also must not have offended him that much because he hasn’t blocked me anywhere or severed our communication.
I think I was just feeling guilty because a part of me knew that perhaps I was reaching out too much, but I was just so damn excited about the whole thing. I don’t regret a moment of it, and he never gave any indication that he wanted to stop talking, I just felt guilty constantly texting all the time.
I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about this and now I can look back on these last few weeks with a smile. I had an opportunity to work with somebody, and have a special connection with somebody, I never thought I’d ever have the chance to work with. That doesn’t mean I need psychological/emotional help. It just means I was excited because a dream of mine very unexpectedly came true. That’s all.
Thank you everybody for your input.
Liz Lemon
I’m late to this thread, but…..it sounds like this guy is some kind of public figure? Maybe a writer, musician, artist? You’ve never met, your only interactions have been over social media, right?
He may have initially reached out to you (to comment on what you had shared) to encourage you with whatever you were working on. But it sounds like maybe you took it a bit further and reached out to him about other projects….wanting to deepen/enhance to connection, right?
It’s hard to fully comment without knowing more details, which I understand you don’t want to share. So this is just speculation. He’s a public figure, he reached out to you about some work you shared, and now he’s pulling back….as has been pointed out already, you don’t know this guy. You don’t know his motives. Maybe he was uncomfortable that you reached out wanting more. If he’s a public figure, maybe he’s been stalked or harassed. So he probably doesn’t want to encourage you as you’re a total stranger, he has no idea who you are or whether you’re mentally stable. Just being honest.
Don’t reach out to him again. Hopefully you understand this already. Be grateful for the feedback and encouragement you received, but respect his boundaries. If he wants to contact you after the holidays, he will. If he doesn’t, and I suspect he won’t, then just leave him alone.
Geppetto
No, he had reached out first for other reasons, then a few days after that I reached out to him asking for assistance on project #1, which he was only to happy to help with. I was not reaching out to him to “take things further” or anything like that. My intentions were- and always have been- professional.
tammy
I guess he’s used to such adulation from his fans. and he’s used to people buttering him up and going overboard with praise to become regular contact in his friend/acquaintance list. you had a pleasant interaction with this figure. as he said he’s busy, u can’t do much about that. maybe that’s a polite way to stop you from connecting with him again or maybe not. but who knows. for you this brief interaction with your idol seems over unless he reverts.
Liz Lemon
Maybe he questioned whether your intentions were professional? I’m not saying YOU weren’t being professional, but if he’s a public figure, or semi-famous (or at least well known), he may be skeptical of people’s intentions, with good reason. Of course since I don’t have details, I’m just guessing here. If I were a somewhat well known person in my field who had strangers reaching out to me for professional advice, I’m sure I’d run across some wackos. Or, like Tammy said, people looking to butter me up for their own motives. So it’s bound to make a person be very careful about who they get involved with (or what strangers they choose to get to know).
It doesn’t really matter in the end. We can speculate on his reasons but at the end of the day, we don’t really know since he’s a stranger.
AngieBaby
“I met a great guy a few months back and we seemed to be getting along/hitting things off really well. A couple weeks ago he did something really nice for me. It was an unexpected gesture that really touched my heart and as a result, I found myself gravitating to him more, reaching out to him more. He had made me feel special and naturally I wanted more of that.”
Totally truthfully – this isn’t how you talk about someone who is a work colleague only and you have professional intentions only. It feels like you’re fooling yourself about how you feel about him and what you want from him. This paragraph has the “I’m crushing hard on him” vibe pretty strongly.
You’ve put him up on a pedestal and made a big deal out of what was really not that big of a deal and he can feel it. So he’s backed off. I’m glad you know to leave him alone. Now your work is to figure out why you were so hungry for feeling special. Is it because he’s a celeb of some kind? Are you looking for validation for your work or yourself? When you figure that out you will be less likely to do something like this again. It’s OK. It’s a learning. We all have these moments.
Liz Lemon
To follow up on AngieBaby’s points— I had similar thoughts. Not to mention this question is posted in the “Decoding His Signals/How Does He Feel About Me?” category, on a dating forum, which would lead on to believe there were romantic intentions (whether conscious or not).
mama
It sounds like you have a crush on the guy and he’s making his boundaries known. Have you met this guy in person?
Back off completely, as you may be coming across a bit stalkerish.
Mary
Stop chasing. Also, not a good thing you are colleagues. It compromises your work reputation.
Geppetto
I can see how and where to confusion comes in regarding my feelings.
1. I posted on here because I’ve been here in years past, and I knew people would be around to offer their input. I have nobody to talk to, even tried using Reddit, all to no avail. So I posted on here in an attempt to make sense out of the nonsense and to get this off my chest.
2. With some deeper thought, perhaps it is possible that I have started to develop some feelings for him, but the truth is, he did something nice, something kind, that I will always treasure. He treated me with decency and respect. Most people do not. He took time out of his busy schedule to work with me. He reached out when he didn’t have to, and as I said before, when this happens with somebody who has such an impact on your life, who you have great respect for, it can be hard not to get swept up in it. Perhaps he sensed something was amiss, who knows. I suppose I just don’t understand how a person can be so kind and supportive one minute, but not want to talk again the next, when you express appreciation for their kindness. Perhaps he sensed something was amiss, who knows. Perhaps it is nothing and he is just busy… again, who knows?
I realize that the way I speak says that perhaps my feelings go deeper, but he truth is, I am just a lowly person. I am nothing and nobody with nothing to offer to anybody. His gesture, to most, would probably seem small and insignificant, but to somebody who’s life is dull and meaningless, it was everything. It doesn’t mean I am head over heels in love with him. I am just incredibly grateful to him. A person can be grateful and appreciative of another person’s kindness but not be in love.
Lastly, I suppose I just don’t want to disappoint anybody or lead anyone on. I don’t want to give off mixed messages or come across inappropriate, and I fear I may have done that. I just want people- anybody- to think we’ll of me.
That is what is at the heart of this. I don’t want to be thought of negatively by somebody I look up to and respect. Nobody would want that.
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