Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Went on 4th Date – Now What?
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annee.
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Amelie
So, this is a continuation, from the post (a few days ago, titled “Low Interest Guy… Is it Worth Going on Another Date / Communicating??) — Some of you gave me pretty sound advice.
Update: So, I went on the date with him on Saturday (our 4th date). And, I previously wrote about this being a low-interest guy, and if it was worth going on an additional date with him. I went, had a great time – we went biking in the Park, grabbed Mexican food and drinks. Ended with a kiss, and he said he’d like to hang out for Chinese food afterwards (re: a conversation about him not knowing too much about it). There was talks about hanging out in the future, and after I got home he said he had a great time, and he was at work managing an artist for a concert that night.
My thing is, he doesn’t really reach out unless I text him. At this point, do I wait for him to reach out for plans after this, or what? I don’t really know how to proceed with this stuff (or, if I’m overthinking everything, because I’ve gone on so many dates w/ other dudes that have gone nowhere…so maybe I’m already jaded or anticipating a fade-out, OR looking for red flags when there aren’t any in front of me, yet).
Since the fourth date occurred about 2 weeks, after the third date (I don’t really see him on a weekly basis), and I assume he’s going on dates with others, which is fine. Do I wait for him to reach out about meeting next, or should I be doing something? I feel as though, I will leave the ball in his court/reach out, but then again I don’t know. I’d like to know what you ladies think, or if I’m stupidly overthinking. Also, I am speaking with other guys on the app, but with this one dude, this is the 4th date in 2 months – and it’s like, do I need to wait a few more weeks for the fifth date??? I’m more along the lines of, living my life and letting him reach out to me at this point.
Amelie
Also, my friends told me – that if I’m seeing him on a bi-weekly basis, it probably isn’t worth pursuing because he’s probably just shopping around. That’s why I’m not sure about what to do, and am cool to do either a) let him reach out to me b) write this lukewarm situationship off, as yes, I don’t see him that often and that’s making me second guess his interest in me. As for me, I am interested in getting to know him, and have always kept an open mind. However, I don’t know for how much longer I can do this, without getting frustrated and saying bye to him altogether
Tina
Don’t do anything. Let him contact you, plan dates and ask you out. Do your own stuff in between, don’t sit around and stare at your phone. If he is dating others, then you should too. Don’t get attached and only go out if it’s fun for you. Eventually he will have to step it up and offer more time and dates, otherwise you are both wasting time.
If it’s all too much for you, just tell him you are not interested in going out with him anymore. But it’s more important for you to learn to have a full, happy life besides dating. So you can take time and meet guys slowly without feeling like you have to hurry or get a certain result in a certain time.
Bedazzle
Is dating a guy once every two weeks if you initiate contact what you want?
erica
i agree with bedazzle – does seeing this guy every 2 weeks make you happy? do you WANT to see him every 2 weeks? if you don’t mind (because you have others on rotation, great). but in my experience, when it starts off with rotations, it most likely will stay in rotation. i’d say move on, because you’re not a priority, more like an option in his life. which is fine, because 4 dates in – no one has their mind made up. however, there should be a progression and increased consistency. if there isn’t, then you have to decide if you want to deal with that. i wouldn’t, but that’s just me.
you can wait for his text, or just send him a “hey, this isn’t working for me text.” or, see others and keep him as your 10th option
erica
*10th option BUT definitely NOt first, second or even third option. You know what i mean
Khadija
You have been going out with him for two months and he hasn’t made an effort to see you more.
As I said in the other post I’d move on and say no thanks.
I think you want to meet someone who you really like and see more often.
It doesn’t seem like he’s it.
Becky
I’d say the ball is in his court to contact you again. I’d not initiate anything and see where it goes from there. You don’t have to say you’re not planning to see him again- if you’re having fun and he asks you out then go out but don’t make the effort- let him.
Jenny
I’ve dated a few guys like this – they’re a load of fun and attentive when we’re together but no effort to connect between dates. At 4 dates and he’s not asking to see you, I’d just let it be and not contact him again. Odds are you won’t hear from him or it will be a few weeks before you do. He’s either in shop-around mode or busy with work or whatever… but clearly not that interested in you. That’s what dating is for, to find out if you are on the same page with someone. If he asks you out again, I would just say, you seem really busy and I was looking for someone who had more time to spend with me so I’m not sure it’s a good use of our time to see each other again, unless I’m reading something wrong here. And see how he responds.
targaryean
if i can hedge my bets, he’s not that interested. i wouldn’t hold my breath to wait for another date. if he does end up asking you out again (and he most likely will, like 2-5 weeks later), then kindly text something along the lines of —
“hey i enjoyed my time and hanging out with you. the time lapsed between each date makes it hard to connect, and i’m not sure we’re on the same page of wanting to see each other more — unless i’m reading something wrong here. best of luck to you, but i think we’re looking for different things.”
short and sweet and see how he responds. i call BS with men who dance around dates every blue moon. yes, you’re allowed and very much encouraged to shop around, but we as women are not dumb when we know if someone’s interest has truly waned, or really not feeling it and just trying to see what other options come to the horizon.
Emma
Why is it so hard to do nothing?
Simply do nothing and continue to meet men. If he reaches out and actually asks you out on a date (not to hangout) then you can decide whether to accept or not. I’d accept and then talk to him in person, and simply ask him directly what his intentions are. You’ve been on 5 dates in 4 months (?), what are his intentions with you.
Understand that he is no fool. He is doing what is good for him, shopping around. he will only respect you if you confront him and ask. Otherwise you accept low interest treatment (do not doubt for a second that he knows bi-weekly is VERY low interest) and signal to him you are quiet desperate. After 5 “dates” it is time to decide whether you’d like to move forward or not.
Amelie
Thanks guys — I will stick to doing nothing (which is exactly what I initially thought of doing, because it is not my place to initiate any small talk/convos/invites for dates at this point). I’ll keep you all updated – doing nothing approach is easy enough
annee
don’t do anymore than you have. i’ve dated guys like this and the only reason they’re doing this can be these 2 things:
1. you allow them to – low interest treatment = they still get to go out with you = why should he continue to put more effort — why not continue to shop around??
2. as you guessed it, he’s shopping around for the bigger, better deal.no hate on any man who wants the bigger better deal, but if that’s the case — id pass. i’ve personally had experience with these bi-weekly guys, and guess what – it never goes past the bi-weekly dates. don’t allow it, it shouldn’t be this hard early in the dating process w/ him. and if it is, you aren’t meant to be. end it.
i wouldn’t even bother to go on another date w/ him, because guess what that suggests ? another low-interest bi-weekly date that you accepted. rather than accept, i would go for the jugular and simply say “hey, dont think there’s much interest on both parts, it’s probably best we go our separate ways. no need to waste any more time. good luck.” BOOM, done. Go. Move on to men who REALLY and UNDOUBTEDLY wanna be w you. not breadcrumbers or men who are bored and looking for an easy/casual hang with no real intention of ever escalating or connecting deeper. Say, NEXT and GOOD RIDDANCE
annee
I think you need to remember his actions have not PROVEd he wants to escalate or connect deeper with you. does that deserve any more of your time? I think not. there’s plenty of other fish in the sea for you. throw this one back into the water.
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