Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › What are we now? Just friends or potential date? I am confused…
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KarinaDogLover.
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KarinaDogLover
Hi, I am Karina, I am a middle age woman who just came out from a long term (14 years) relationship last summer. I don’t know I am looking for advices or I just need someone to listen to me, maybe both, I don’t know.
I am in a long distance texting buddy relationship with Jerry. He and I, we text each other every day. Jerry is my best friend Penny’s brother in law.
Jerry and I, we know each other close to 20 years already. We were not close friends, we were only acquaintances, we would meet at Penny’s house parties and casually chatted, we did not have any personal level of contact. Jerry had been working outside of the country for 16 years, I would only get to see him when he returned to visit his family. So a few times in the past decade. He just moved back in our country from Europe last summer and settle in a city 3 hours driving away from my city.
Last year after my ex broke up with me, in July, I received a friend request on social media from Jerry, I accepted. We did not interact at all until November. He said hi and he said he thought of me when he used my soap (I am a part-time soap crafter). From there we started chatting. Casual chatting turned into serious marathon chatting and getting personal; I would tell him about my break up and he told me about his divorce and our problems with our exs…
Our chat became daily and frequent. Here and there he would drop me compliments saying how beautiful I am, he always find me charisma…etc . We started to flirt a little. He video chatted me once when he was a little drunk, told me he likes me. I did not know how to react so I told him I just came out from a long term relationship, I still need some time to heal. He said he would be very patient. By the end of November, because he misunderstood my ex and I got back together, he stopped chatting with me. My ex and I were not back together, I was just helping him because his father passed away.
I was a little upset at Jerry that he could easily drop our friendship over a misunderstanding. I was a bit angry so I did not text him to explain. Until Xmas, I felt maybe I should at least say hello, so I texted him Merry Christmas. Because of that, our texting restarted. Once he brought up the topic about my ex and I would get back together for a few rebounds; I went serious on him on how impossible that idea would be, so he never brought up that again.
By New Year’s Eve, Jerry had a few days visit to his best friend in my city (he lives in another city, 3 hours of driving). On the last day of his visit, because his best friend needs to work, so he became alone and he invited me to go hang out before his train schedule. So we went to a park and had a long walk with my dogs. By the end of the afternoon when I was about to drop him off at the train station, in my car, he leaned in and kissed me. We kissed outside of the train station before he depart.
So our texting turned more intense after the kiss. He also started to call me to video chat every night. But it did not last long, only about a month. By mid-February, he stopped calling me. But we still continue to text each other almost every day.
At the beginning when he stopped calling, I thought it was just because he was busy. He started a new job, he had to move to a new place, and need to turn his old place into a rental property…etc. With so much on his plate, I understand he might not have time to do small talk. But now it is already May, he hasn’t called me since mid-February. I kind of don’t really know where I stand. Does he still like me? Or we are just texting buddies?
I don’t know how I should feel about him. First, I honestly do not know what I want. Do I like him or do I only want his attention because I am lonely? Since we never even went on a date once, so he is not my date, we are just friends; get to know each other better. I feel like he doesn’t owe me any explanation that why he doesn’t video chat with me anymore or if his feeling on me has changed. Our texting has become not flirtatious at all, just friendly. Although he would still sometimes use the doggy kiss emoji.
In the past few months, I tried to control myself to text him less and not to initiate any text, and when he texts me, I would not drop everything to text him back right away. We still text each other almost daily, sometimes might stop for a day or two, the longest time we did not text each other was a week. I do not want to get too attached to his text since I am very confused by his “stop calling”. Is he just doing the same thing as I am doing, trying to be casual like nothing had really happened?
I could not talk to my best friend Penny about it. Last time I message Penny about my confusion with Jerry, she said she would get back to me but she did not. That was back in March. I was a little upset that Jerry did not even call me on my birthday (mid March) only texted me Happy birthday. Few days after my birthday, it was Penny’s daughter’s birthday. The day I messaged Penny, was her daughter’s bday, I understood that she was busy and not able to message me back. I reminded Jerry about his niece’s bday so he called and talked with his niece, his brother and Penny. Later that night, Jerry said Penny might be upset with him on something because she was acting cold towards him. I felt very guilty and awful like I did something very bad. I did not have the intention of making Jerry a bad person at all. When I told Penny about what had happened between me and Jerry, I told her I understood we were just friends and he did not owe me anything or explanation. I was just a little confused by the way he acts, the dropping of phone call. That was back in March. Now we are in May. Penny has not talked to me anything related to Jerry. I don’t want to bring it up. But she is my best friend, I talk with her on anything and everything. But I could not talk to her about Jerry. I feel like I would make them conflict.
Jerry used to talk a lot about having me go visit him at his city. Due to covid, it is not possible. Before, when he planned my trip to visit him, I would say when the restriction is over, then we could plan. But we are still in covid, and restriction is not over and don’t even know how long it will last. It has been awhile that he hasn’t been mentioning anything about me going to visit him anymore. Last time when I slightly brought it up in one of our chat, he did not really catch on the topic or show any excitment. He used to say how much he wanted to see me and first thing he would do when he sees me would be to kiss me. Now he doesn’t say those things anymore. Do you think he now loss interest and only want to be friends?
Sorry for the long post. Thank you for reading(listening). If you have any comment or advise, I will really appreciate. I wish you a wonderful day.
Raven
Sorry Hun, You two are pen-pals…
KarinaDogLover
Thank you for your input, Raven.
I guess I should just take it easy. Jerry and I, we are still texting daily. I have nothing to loose but gain a friend. I should not push to get more of his attention for my ego or fill my loneliness if I don’t even know what I want at the moment.AUDREY
been courting Bob for 5 years we both say we dont want to get married but now i would love to have him close more often we get on together but i am 10years older than he i think he is saying i may get someone better
KarinaDogLover
Hi Audrey, thanks for your comment although I do not understand how it relates to my story. Thanks for dropping by.
Erin
You’re not really friends in the strict sense of the word, not potential dates either since baby boy is pulling disappearing acts that leaves you in the grey zone.
And if you’re in the grey zone, you’ve already lost to whatever is happening at the time.
Sounds more like a pen pal situation with flirtation in the mix.
If you’re open to dating maybe you should have actual dates or meet ups with real people not with someone on your phone. If not, don’t wait around your phone wondering why or how, God forbid you hold a virgil for Jerry by your phone. It’s not worth it.
YOU have been talking for a long time with him not to have a solid plan and a way forward. If he wanted a relationship then he would have mentioned it and maybe start talks on the whole distance thing and how to handle it but he’s content with just chatting.
You can only be potential dates for so long
Newbie
These penpals as we all seem to encounter one at one point in our life are not that bad after a long relationship that ended. If gives you company, someone to talk to. But at some point they can also get in the way of real life as these penpals usually have reasons to stick to being penpals. And can fade out any time. Like yourself also not really sure what to do.
I think you are missjudging penny. You asked something when it was really important to you, but it may have just slipped her mind. I would talk to her again. There is nothing to be embarrashed about.
So dont expect jerry to come flying in. Make yourself ready for dates if that is what you wantKarinaDogLover
Hi Erin, thank you for your input.
We are under very serious covid restriction, traveling out of town is out of question, that also imply on visiting others. Some of us could not even visit family. For companionship, people who lives alone is allowed to visit another person who is also alone. I do not fit in this category, after break up, I move back in my father’s duplex. I respect and follow the rules.
At the beginning, Jerry was enthusiastic about getting me to visit him, he said he would even buy me train ticket then I don’t have to drive. But with the traveling and visiting restriction tighten up, seems to me there is no solid date when we will really get to visit each other so keep on talking about it seems a little pointless so we haven’t been talking about it anymore. I guess both of us are not as enthusiastic as before under this covid.
I am opened to the idea to go on a real date in person once there is no more traveling and visiting restriction. I already have my first shot of vaccine and in August I will receive my second shot.
I think it is too soon to talk about “relationship” before I could actually go on a real date. If I ever go on a real date with Jerry and feel we are really “clicking”, then I will consider have the talk with him on if we both want long distance relationship. Now we are not there yet.
Everything starts at somewhere. If we are now just pen-pal, I guess I will just relax and enjoy this friendship.
KarinaDogLover
Hi Newbie, thank you for your input.
You are right, I should talk to Penny again. She is my best friend, I should be able to open up to her.
When I told Penny about Jerry and I, she showed concern, but she doesn’t want to influence me. There is always a little tension between Penny and Jerry because Penny thinks Jerry is selfish and self-centered. But at the end, they are family.
I do enjoy the pen-pal thing with Jerry, I think we enjoy each other’s “company”. Even if we don’t go on a real date soon, eventually we would meet again coz he is Penny’s brother in law, he will always be invited when Penny hosts party. It is just with all the covid restriction, we could not travel out of our own town.
I guess I should just treasure this friendship.
Erin
“Everything starts at somewhere. If we are now just pen-pal, I guess I will just relax and enjoy this friendship”
If he is pulling away from you as you say he is, then there will be no friendship to enjoy at all.
“Penny thinks Jerry is selfish and self-centered. But at the end, they are family”
I’m not saying Penny is right about Jerry but you might want to keep this in mind, family members tend to know each other better than outsiders.
Newbie
I agree with erin on both issues. I have been penpalling with my bf for a long time after we were not sure how to proceed. But his mission was to be in my life every single day and he never skipped one day. Jerry already shows sign of flaky and hot and cold. Thats not very consistent. Plus i also agree that penny probably tells the truth.
KarinaDogLover
Erin, you have a very good point. I will keep that in mind. Penny is my best friend for over 20 years, I am sure she always has my best interest in her heart.
The pulling away part is only he doesn’t “facetime”(video-chat) me or call to talk on the phone anymore. But we are still texting each other close to daily. I do not mind being his friend/pen-pal. We talk about a lot of things: life, work, health, diet, exercise, politics…etc. He would send me photos of the trail he went biking & hiking. We knew each other since we were young, we just were not friends. Now I just get to know him more as his own person, not only as Penny’s brother in law.
I was a little frustrated with his pulling away because I thought we would move onto dating. Now I think I feel better when I change my mindset, see him as a friend, I am not feeling too bad after all. I think having someone(s) listen to my story helps me a lot. Thank you.
KarinaDogLover
Newbie, you are probably right. I do not know the reason why he turns hot/cold. I don’t know what he is thinking.
He told me he had a crush on me since we met, but we were never single at the same time, he even brought up we actually had a drunk kiss (I did not remember, but I remember he was drunk and leaned on me, maybe I was too drunk to remember the kiss happened) the first time we met at Penny’s party. Penny confirmed that, she said she and her husband always had to listen to him talk about me every time he saw me, they knew he had a crush on me for long time.
Why the change of attitude? I don’t know. Now that my mindset is back to being his friend, I am not too concern about that anymore. If he wants something to happen, he will have to make a move. If he lost interest somehow, then well, too bad. Coz I am a catch! LOL J/K. Maybe by knowing each other better now, he figures we don’t suit each other? Only he knows what he is thinking. I would not bother myself too much on guessing why anymore.
KarinaDogLover
I think I will give an update of my story.
First I want to thank all of you who gave me advise, I appreciate it. It helped me a lot at my down time.So the restrictions of traveling and visiting at my province are lifted. Also, I could actually receive my second shot of vaccine sooner, by next week, instead of in August. Since my last post, things between Jerry and I have not changed, we still text each other close to daily.
Today, he invites me to go visit him. He gives me a few plan options for me to choose what I would like to do. He also offers I could stay for the whole weekend if I want to. I am a little nervous about it, but I think I would take up the offer to spend a weekend with him. We have not set a date yet. I think I will get my second shot first to see if I have any bad reaction then we will arrange.
@Newbie, you were right about Penny. Few weeks ago I went hiking with Penny and I talked with her. She did not reply to me on the Jerry subject simply because she forgot. That weekend she was very busy it was a mess. She was not being cold to Jerry on purpose, she was really just too tired; and it had nothing to do with what I said to her also. I told her about I was a little upset that Jerry did not even call me on my birthday, but then, I was just setting up expectation for nothing when I did not even know what I want. So I told her I put Jerry back to the “neutral” zone, the friend zone. No expectation. Just pure chatting and get to know each other. Anyway, everything is good between me and Penny.
Raven
Back in May, I told you two were just pen-pals & that’s all you two still are.
If there were more, he would have made time & arrangements to see You…
KarinaDogLover
Raven, thank you for your response.
I don’t think I agree with you but I would try to see things in your perspective and think about it. I will give time on it.
At the moment, I see it as below:
He works full time, even works from home because of covid but he still has to work. On the other hand, I am a freelancer so I have a way more flexible lifestyle, it is easier for me to travel.
He could not come visit me before, due to covid restriction and it is just lifted progressively (some more restrictions will be lifted by end of this month).
If he comes visit me, he would have to stay at Penny’s house or his friend’s house; I live with my family (after the break up last year, I lost the apartment I lived at), he can’t stay at my house.
He was actually born at the city I live in. The city he lives in now, he just moved there a year ago and had not much chance to visit much due to covid. I only visited his city twice in my life time and that were 2 decades ago. For the fun part, it makes more sense I go there to visit.
Wow, writing it out kind of helps me think thoroughly. Thank you. Yes, Raven, you have a very solid point. If this is only a friendly visit and hang out, then maybe I am nervous for nothing. I guess I start having expectation again without even noticing it.
I have always wanted to visit that city again, even when I was with my ex, I planned it since 2016, but that never happened. With or without Jerry, I would still want to go there. But I think it would be nice to have someone there to accompany me.
tammy
i think you will know clearly how you feel after you meet him. spend a bit of time with him. till then just enjoy your friendship with him and yes keep options open to meeting men and dates with men from your city.
KarinaDogLover
Hi Tammy, thank you for your response.
I am thinking of the same thing as well: spend some real in person contact with Jerry to see how I feel. We knew each other long time but we were never alone like one on one, we were always just met at Penny’s and casually greet and exchanged a few words. So going to visit him may give me a better idea how he really is instead of only online communication.
About going out there meet other people and go on dates…I guess I will try. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start. I met my ex on Plenty of Fish, that was 15 years ago when POF just started, I think. It was not too “trashy” back then. Over the years, I heard it has changed a lot. Also, online dating has changed a lot as well. I am missing the courage to go open a new profile or update my old one.
Now with everything slowly opens up, perhaps I could go out have a beer or go to some outdoor events to meet new people. Thank you for your advise.
tammy
yes dont put all your eggs in one basket till your a little more certain. keep ypur options open. all the best.
KarinaDogLover
I hope I am not being annoying. So here is my update.
I went to see Jerry for the long weekend, we had a good time; we had sex.
First day we were going around, when he kissed me, I asked if it was a date, he said why I had to ask and why it had to be “named”. So, I took it as “casual”, since we knew each other, I took it as “FWB”. I am out of a relationship, I need something, so honestly, even if it is not a relationship, I just want to step up in my game, to see how far I could go.
Second night we hung out, we had a lot of drinks with his friends. We were walking back to his place and he told me he LOVES ME AND I WOULD BE THE ONE AND HE DOESN’T WANT TO SHARE. I was teasing (since we were talking anyway I assumed what he means by sharing so I asked “with WHOM?”) He said “NO ONE. I DON’T SHARE.”
After that, we spent a nice weekend together and I just got home today.
Now, do I need to clear things up with Jerry? Or I just let things be?
Before I left, we talked about planning things together in July.
He asked me to text him when I got home and I did, and he responsed.
So…should I “make it clear” I feel like I am ruining the “moment” or
should I just let it be, let myself enjoy what it is and see how it goes?Am I being too “easy” if I just let myself enjoy what’s going on but not looking for “what it must be”? I mean, I never did that before.
I always think if I am with someone it MUST “have to be” a long term relationship and it MUST mean something.
Am I being too …mm…too “casual” to think even if it is not going forever but it would still be something nice?
Am I thinking too much?
KarinaDogLover
I don’t know if I need to start a new thread. Can I stay in this thread since my story started here? I think so, right?
I am sorry if I am behaving like a high school girl. I am always a little “never gorwn up” that type. I know what and how I am, I just like to be the way I am.
I hope you don’t find me too annoying.
Thank you.ANM StaffKeymasterSure, it’s fine to stick with the same thread!
tammy
hey there. you went on this trip and glad to know you had a nice time.. you said you were ok being with him even if it was just a casual thing. from what you have said, i think if you bring up this topic with him now, its not going to work in your favor. you should meet again in july as you are planning and take it from there. its too soon to know what you want as well. have that meeting and see how things are. if you feel its still pretty much casual then take a call. its upto you and what you want.
KarinaDogLover
Thank you, Tammy.
I told my best friend Penny about what had happened and mentioned to her I feel a little confused by Jerry but I am ok with what it is right now.
She is more than happy if I become her family. She said no matter what, me and her are always like sisters anyway.
On the other hand, she warns me (since she has known Jerry way more than I do). Jerry is not the most faithful bf from what she knows. But she doesn’t want to judge or put him down coz things could be different accordingly. His ex wife cheated on him so he cheated on her. This, was also told to me by Jerry himself.
Anyway, yes, I should just see how it goes if he will make plan for July. I did had a great time this past weekend and if he makes plan with me again I will definitely go. For now, I will just let things be. But visiting my doctor for protection might not be a bad idea. I have not been sexually active for very long time (my ex and I broke up last year but we had not had sex for years) I should protect myself.
Maddie
“His ex wife cheated on him so he cheated on her. This, was also told to me by Jerry himself.”
Be very careful here. He responded to infidelity with an eye for an eye instead of maturely addressing the underlying problems (including the option of just leaving her before getting intimate with someone else). It takes quite a lot for someone to change when that’s how they approach conflict, and that’s only if they want to change and learned from past issues. If you don’t see him being mature, empathetic, and fair in the face of conflict, don’t invest in him, even just casually.
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