What are we now? Just friends or potential date? I am confused…

i think you should not think too much about future so soon. you guys have just spent a wknd together. so pleas don’t over shoot not even in your dreams. for the present, just relax and enjoy. ideally let him bring up the topic of next holiday plans. that way atleast you will know he does want to spend time with you and is taking the efforts to plan. as i said, i feel its only post this 2nd meeting you will have a little more idea of how you feel and whether your happy keeping things casual or you could consider more with this plan. for the present just take it one day at a time.

Hi all,

I am being grateful to all the great advices I received here. Also I learned a lot from reading others’ posts.

So here is my update. Jerry invites me to visit him again next week. I will drive to his city, he will take 2 days off from work and we will spend another long weekend together.

He has plan to have a housewarming party at the second week of August to invite his immediate family that would include his mother, his little brother (Penny’s husband), Penny(this side of his family they all know me from Penny already, they live in my city), his aunt and uncle (they are from his city, whom I have not met). And he invites me to be there as well. I am not in a rush to “join the family”, but I think I would go; it is nice that he invites me, I think.

After that, he will make a plan to visit my city. That would be a little tricky, coz he cannot stay at my place, but he considers to rent an Airbnb. Or if we get permission to use his aunt’s cottage, we will go to the country side.

We keep our communication through mostly texting, he texts everyday and multiple times per day, including good morning and good night text. He called and talked on the phone once; and he initiated a video-chat once.

I am feeling pretty good with this after I take the pressure/expectation off myself that it must be going to certain direction (like it must be serious, long term and meaningful…etc). Now I just lay back, enjoy what it is.

So far, that’s about it. I think I will see how it goes if and when we pass the 3-4 months mark. Wish me luck!

After reading this, I must say you are too intense. You need to drop your ‘agenda’ and stop trying to force this.

It’s not a race but a journey. He has been a bachelor for a very long time, so he’s not going to jump into the relationship frying pan with you, or any lady he meets for that matter. He is going to be a turtle, and take it very slow by re-assessing his single lifestyle to see if he’s willing, or wanting, to give it up for a lady. There are a lot of ‘expectations’ that comes with a relationship, whereas, the person must be in the right mindset before they are even able to even consider it. I personally don’t believe he’s ready. I think he likes ‘the idea’ of it but doesn’t have the commitment (follow through) to actually engage in it. He’s stuck in *its all about me* mode, which is OK as we each get to decide what is right or best for us—it is our life ya know.

Honestly, you really should be taking this time to rediscover yourself not pining over a distant man. A relationship shouldn’t even be on your radar; whereas there are so many things you could, and should be doing, to fill up your time such as writing down a bucket list; setting personal goals; improving your weaknesses (such as chasing unavailable men), and then tackling it. Only when you are fully at peace, content, and happy in your single skin, should you even try to date, or get involved with a man again. I’m amazed you aren’t mentally tired or exhausted by this never ending chess game with him.

I see where Lane is coming from and I agree with the gist of it. You’re just out of a very long term relationship (14 years)– being broken up for 1 year isn’t that long. I’m not saying you shouldn’t date, but maybe casual dating with someone in your city would be a better way to start getting back into the dating pool.

You seem to be picking this situation with this guy apart. There’s so much rumination here. This guy lives far away from you. You text, you don’t talk on the phone or video chat, from what you said. Historically he has been flaky with you. You have started seeing him for a weekend maybe once every month or two. He is not talking about a relationship or escalating things between you (asking for video calls, more visits, etc). It’s nice that he invited you to the family event in August but you are best friends with his sister, right? So you know their family, I assume?

That’s all fine, there’s nothing wrong with it, but you definitely seem to want more, just by the way you are picking everything apart and ruminating. Realistically what is the outcome you desire here? Will you move to his city? Will he move to your city? Or will you be happy just texting and seeing him once in awhile, for years?

It seems to me you are thinking way, way too much. I don’t think Jerry is giving this nearly as much thought as you. You want to see where things are at the 3-4 month mark, but you are not dating this guy officially. I’m sure he likes texting you and enjoys your company. But there is nothing you have written here that makes me think he sees you two as dating. You said he told you he loved you and didn’t want to share you (right?), but have you seriously talked exclusivity? Have you asked him if he’s dating others? Has he asked you? Have you asked if he sees the two of you as dating? Have you had a conversation about a possible relationship? It doesn’t seem like you have. So you are making a lot of assumptions about his intentions, it seems to me.

I don’t mean to be negative. I just see you putting a lot of energy into thinking this over and I’m not sure Jerry is thinking about it nearly as much.

Thank you, Liz. Now I think I understand a bit more after reading your post and then I went back to read Lane’s post again.

Jerry and I had a talk almost right at the beginning, back in November. When he told me he likes me over a video chat, I told him I need time to heal and I don’t want to turn anyone into a rebound or rush into anything. With all the respect, he is my best friend’s brother in law, so I would not want to use him. He said he would be very patience with me.

Yes, there were a few flaky months at the beginning of this year. He was busy and I was clingy. I have attachment anxiety. I was thinking way too much on it, that’s why I was confused and even a little frustrated, back in March, April then May. So I back off a little, calm down and clear my head.

We have not had the exclusivity talk yet. I plan to talk about it this coming weekend when I see him. This is the kind of thing I believe should talk face to face, not by texting. I do not know if he is dating around (we were under heavy lock down so it is really hard to imagine he would be able to date around physically), not that I know of (from our text everyday), but I will ask and make it clear. Since we are having sex, it is important if he is willing to be exclusive. It is for safe sex.

I would be honest, at the moment I am not thinking too far ahead like if we will turn into a relationship or if I would even consider moving (no, I don’t see that in my plan for the foreseeing future at the moment). But that would be way too far, isn’t it? I now just enjoy what it is, at the moment.

After our last meeting in late June, seems to me he becomes more stable (no more flakiness): his texts are consistent, we talked on the phone once and video-chat once, he would tell me what he did and where he has been and who he is hanging out with (without me asking). We plan to video-chat more we are trying to fit it in our schedule.

I don’t object to the idea seeing him once a month. At the moment I think I am ok with it and that’s all I need for now, and seems to me that’s what he is planning as well, from the latest invitation to visit him again, and to his house warming, then he also plans to visit my city later.

Hi all! Once again, thank you very much for all the advises given to me and help me through this.

I visited Jerry in the past weekend (long weekend, he took 2 days off so we started our weekend on Thursday). We did our urban hiking, then supper and visited the beer brewery. At the end of the night, again, after a few drinks, he spilt his guts. He told me his dating history after his divorce (5 years ago) and he told me he loved me and asked me how I feel. I was not ready so I could not answer, I know it could be hurtful so I said please gave me a minute to gather my thoughts. So I told him “I don’t know where I am at, right now. I know I like you enough you are the person I exchange words daily, tell you everything, and I would drive 3 hours to see you. And I feel very happy when I see you.” (I am not the type of person who could spill the I L U very easily. My ex used to complain that about me. It is just not in me. Those are very important words that I take very seriously.)

We had a great weekend together. I overheard he told people “my girlfriend comes visit me…”

He told me he sent my photos to one of his best friends abroad and he told me his best friend told him that I am pretty.

His father called him and they talked and he told him about me over the phone.

He asked me to help organizing his housewarming party.

So, with all the “signs”, I felt like, maybe, I did not need “the talk”…but…I bring up the courage to do the talk.

I came back home today. We texted each other. And in the middle of talking about intimate topic, I asked him to confirm with our “exclusivity”. He was surprised I had to ask, he said “Of course! You never had to worry. I am not looking elsewhere!”

So I guess my “confused” chapter ends here now.

Thank you very much. I wish all of you the best.