What did I do to deserve this?

I’m a 40-year-old woman who’s been through a lot in relationships. I was married for 11 years to a man who, for the first 9 years, was my everything, the one who proudly told his friends he wanted to marry me. Then, for the last 2 years of our marriage, he became an alcoholic and abusive. It broke me in ways I didn’t expect, and since then, I’ve tried to find someone who could appreciate me and my children.

I moved on from someone who wasn’t ready for a relationship because I didn’t want to waste my time. Later, I dated a man for two years who was great with my kids, but eventually, he ended things because the pressure got to him. After that, I liked someone who was shy—something I usually like in men—but he only wanted friendship. So I moved on again.

Then, I met someone I thought was different. Alex, a guy I knew for three years, seemed honest, clear about what he wanted, and respectful of my boundaries. I trusted him, but after a year of dating, I found out he cheated on me with a friend. This shook me because everything seemed to be going well—there was honesty, communication, and commitment, or so I thought.

So now I’m wondering, how can I differentiate the right guy from the wrong one? I don’t think I’m making terrible choices—these men aren’t out of control or just looking for a one-night stand. I’m not meeting them in questionable places. And yet, here I am.

It’s frustrating because my best friend met her husband on a drunken night out, and they’re happy. So what am I doing wrong? I’m trying to be mature, emotionally intelligent, and careful. Is it just bad luck, or am I missing something about myself or the men I attract?

’m 40, and after going through an 11-year marriage that taught me a lot about communication, compromise, and commitment, I feel more mature and sure of what I want. I know how to navigate a relationship, handle challenges, and even understand the importance of intimacy in a relationship. But what’s been frustrating lately is meeting men who just aren’t on the same page.

Some of them have never been in a committed relationship, never had kids, or even thought seriously about marriage. It’s like they haven’t had to grow up, and I’m left wondering how to bridge that gap. It feels like a waste of time trying to connect with someone who can’t communicate, compromise, or commit, or even make things work in the bedroom. I’m ready for something real, and yet it seems like some guys just aren’t capable—or willing—of meeting me there.

I don’t want to waste my time on men who won’t put in the effort to grow. It’s frustrating because I know what a real partnership looks like, and it feels like finding someone who understands that is harder than it should be. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I just looking in the wrong places, or is it really this tough to find someone who wants to make things work?