What did I just do?!!!! :(

Do. Not. Return.

I’m so sorry this happened to you… I can only imagine how you feel because just reading this is getting me so angered!

It almost sounds to me like this was a setup.. a “sh*t test” if you will. After spending 10 weeks getting you sufficiently hooked, he was fishing for some info that he could suddenly use against you and cause you to fear he would dump you which shifts all of the power over to him. This is incredibly manipulative behavior. And, it’s working. (You’re human and have feelings so it’s understandable)

What you need to do now is turn a 180 on him and say that you’ve thought about his reaction and you find it insulting, judgmental and sexist and you may not be able to forgive him. Then let him squirm for as long as you want before you dump him.

You weren’t grossed out by his carrying on?!

Sorry but woman are very different than men when it comes to these sort of things just like woman are very different when it comes to other things.

Look how many woman have “freak outs” if a man doesn’t text them after a date, they said something stupid, reached out and the man didn’t respond? They triple post and still post a month or so later trying to find a way to “fix it.”

Sorry but she explained to this man, in detail, about two men she almost had sex at the same time but decided not to go through with it. You think this is perfectly “OK” and nothing he should have reacted to?

There’s a term for this “double standards.”

A double standard is him telling her about his extensive sexual experience and the fact that he had done “everything in the book”, but when she shares something she *almost* did (but did not actually do)– he emotionally punishes her in a drawn-out way, and tells her he’s angry and he feels like she cheated on him.

His behavior isn’t normal. It’s abusive. It’s gaslighting. I’m not saying he isn’t allowed to have any reaction at all to the information. It would be one thing if he simply expressed discomfort with what she told him. That would be a normal reaction. But he’s emotionally abusing and punishing her for it. That is not a healthy or normal reaction.

Lane you give great advice a lot of the time but this time you’re way off the mark. She did absolutely nothing wrong by talking about what she didn’t actually even do after he brought up sexual experiences and shared a lot of detail. She didn’t “put pictures in his head” – he’s responsible for how he’s choosing to see her. You don’t see her complaining he put pictures in her head and she just can’t get over it and might not want him any longer.

This feels like some twisted Mr. Gray set-up to make her play master and servant or some crazy crap like that. I’m with Liz, this isn’t normal. It’s gaslighting.

Just don’t talk sexual experiences in detail with anyone other than your female friends!! Never with a guy. That’s kiss and tell. Also, don’t let a guy overshare. Just put your hands up to your ears playfully and say something humorous – don’t let anyone get into details like this. Guys who are secure in themselves never talk about other women in detail to their present partner.

I agree with Lane.
No matter how we think that the things “should” run in one scenario, there are actually many things we cannot control, like how other people response or perception to our story.
Whatever this man do, it is one of them.
Of course, we would like to have “happy ending”, where this man would not react that way, more chivalrious and less hypocrite, however there are so very tiny number of people that can evolve in that level, where they can overcome all their basic wiring, nature, trigger and instinct.
Most people(like me too), when triggered by something that into our wiring, will have a lot of difficulty to get out of it or do things in perfectly acceptable scenario.

As for Megan, I think your attitude and way of thinking so far after the damage has been done was correct. I see that you calmly accepted that if he cannot overcome himself, then it is over. Let him chasing his own tail and you keep observing and taking space like you do now

It means so much that you guys are taking the time to tell it to me straight. I haven’t been reaching out to him, yesterday was the first day that we haven’t spoken at all the whole day since we started talking 10 weeks ago. I decided to meet some of my friends for a drink, he texted me around 6pm asking me what I’m doing. I did not respond. He later texted me around 10pm asking me where I was. At this point I had statuses of me hanging out and he saw it. Honestly I didn’t put them for him to see. I was being my normal self whenever I go out. He later texted me again and it went like this;

Him: Megan!
Me: What?
Him: Where are you?
Me: Going home.
Him: Ok, but where were you?
Me: With my friends.
Him: Ok where?
Me: What does it matter? You dont care.
Him: Why am I asking then?
Me: I dont know.
15 minutes later..
Him: Already home?
Me: Yes.
Then I went to sleep. Woke up the next day with these messages.
Him: Today you went home straight. (Because before we would usually meet up)
Him: I feel like you’re treating this like I hate you or something. But I’m okay, I never wanted us to stop talking.
It’s just the two men show bothers me. Anyway goodnight, and I’m truly sorry about last night that I fell asleep mid conversation.
My response: I just cant keep hearing you say all these hurtful things to me.

Hours later….

Him: I miss you though.

I didn’t respond. It’s taking a lot to not run to him. I’m trying my best to be strong but I know I’m not 100% strong. 10 weeks has been nothing but promising, we connect on so much. But this thing that he is so upset about, and all the flags that has now been raised … it’s all just F up. I have a lot of feelings for him. I’ve been single a whole year by choice before we got together, wasn’t even dating anybody. Having him brought so many happiness. And to have things different now it’s taking a toll on my heart. I miss him too but I’m not going to tell him that. And what if he really turns out to be an abuser, or what if he truly is honestly bothered by this at this extent? I dont know anymore. I dont know what he will do next. He hasn’t told me it’s over. Will more time help see things clearer? I’d like to know so I can start to heal as soon as I can but i dont want to ask him..not yet anyway. And if he really is grooming me to control me later on all of this makes me want to run. But sometimes I wonder if what Lane said could be going on here. But at the same time I dont want to accept this behaviour. I’m in a head space of wtf constantly! I just wish I kept my mouth shut but noooo I had to be honest didn’t I!!! I dont know what to do, I miss us terribly.

I guess what I’m saying is he has now taken the fun out of things. Hes got you upset, and he tells you hes ok. What about you being ok.

A relationship should be easy and fun, not work.

Here’s my advice….. instead of discussing this topic EVER again with him, what will really pay him back is to wait until he contacts you.. then tell him hes no fun anymore.

The point being, don’t let him drag you down by permitting him to discuss it further. Make it about him, not the topic. Does this make sense?

I didnt read this until now but i see he manages even in the last contact to bring up the two guys AGAIN. When it never happened. If you still have feeling for this guy i would tell him he is a hypocrite because you told him this after he shared his experiences and that if he wants to continu he will have to let it go and otherwise its over. If you dont have feelings anymore just break up. Him having imprints about two guys when it never happened can be unpleasant for a guy but he has taken it all over the top.

He is abusive or just incredibly immature and sexist. I completely disagree this is a man thing. This guy is a little boy. Although I think it is best to keep most of your spiciest sex tidbits to yourself until you’re in an established relationship (or forever lol) the way this guy is going on and on and punishing you and then expecting you to act normal and communicate the same after whining about his stress of something you only ALMOST did BEFORE you ever met him is not just him being a dude – He’s being a person who’s so damaged or un-evolved he can’t see past his ego or need to control. Super yuck.

Be proud of the sexual history you have and your willingness to be open. Don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed.

I agree with T from NY in that I don’t believe this is “just how men are.” That they can’t help thinking that way because of their physiology. The “boys will be boys” attitude excuses too much of men’s sh*tty behavior. Men ARE capable of hearing about this kind of stuff and not devolving into immature, jealous apes.

My boyfriend and I have talked about our sexual pasts, *in the correct context*, including almost-threesomes and other details. I have told him funny stories about weird sex fetishes ex boyfriends have had, and he thought it was funny. He’s told me stories from his past as well, including an almost-threesome story, which I found funny– again, these were all in the proper context. We weren’t comparing each other to previous sex partners or talking about how great this or that ex was in bed. But yeah, we’ve shared comical stories about our pasts. But my boyfriend isn’t walking around with an image of me doing this, that or the other with an ex, and I’m not walking around obsessing over him in an almost-threesome with two women. We’re over it. We’re adults. It was in the past.

And as Newbie pointed out, this dude is STILL talking working it into the conversation! Even when he’s trying to apologize to the OP, he can’t stop talking about it. There’s something wrong with him. He’s immature, controlling, obsessive, or some combination of the three.

So I told him what Newbie advised and then left him alone no text or call.

He texted me on Saturday asking if I want to go out. We went. Promptly picked me up. We went for dinner then to a bar then club. Held my hand in public. Had the most passionate sex. Next day he woke up, and kissed me til I woke up. Had breakfast then spent the whole day together, we spent the day on the beach, got late dinner, went to his place again, watch a movie, more kissing more sex. And never once did we speak about that threesome again nor did I question. He was very loving and conversation flowed. Kept kissing me randomly and told me he doesn’t feel like doing these things or see anyone else in his car or his house but me. I only smiled. We were laughing and having fun. I even met his younger sister too as she wanted to come by his place and he didn’t mind if I was there. It’s monday mid day here and he just dropped me home and asked when he’ll see me again.

Took him exactly a week, and I guess he got over it. I asked him if there’s been anyone else while I was gone he looked me in the eye and said no. I dont know if I 100% believe that but i choose to because right now I’m overwhelmed by the affection after thinking I lost him to what I said. I haven’t forgotten all the flags that was pointed out, so its about seeing where this goes now.