What do I do now??

Regardless of the no contact, when you spoke did he take any accountability for his side of things? He just broke your trust and ended your engagement instead of talking to you about his issues, THEN he told you it was your fault for “making” him feel insecure. You can’t make another adult feel any way, his feelings are his and to otherwise blame you is a co-dependent approach at best (and as Angiebaby said, manipulative at worst). You already know his baggage is from before he met you. You may not be perfect as no one is, but I guarantee that his cold feet here are due to his issues not yours, so do not accept blame disproportionate to the situation. That just lets him off the hook from actually resolving the problem, which is why love won’t be enough to eventually get to a happy marriage if he’s not actively participating and going to couple counseling and/or his own therapy (or putting in similar effort towards getting whatever help he may need).

Power struggles aren’t about love, they are about issues. You don’t want to enter a marriage with unresolved power struggles because they further erode trust, and trust is just as important as love.

As Eric asked, why were you given the advice about no contact? Generally it is given as advice to practice good boundaries when situations have become untenable or toxic and focus on your own side of things with the additional space. Perhaps in certain situations, it allows you to observe if the other party steps up. But it isn’t to wait around and coerce behavior from someone else when your connection isn’t clicking properly.

I understand your point, Eric, and maybe my intent didn’t fully come across. I didn’t say it was intentional, I said manipulative at worst. I spoke about him having his own issues, and not letting him take his issues out on her. She’s taking him at his word that she’s to blame and needs to try harder, but that’s a losing strategy if he’s not also putting in the effort. I agree that once you get to blaming (power struggles) it creates dynamics that can easily tank the relationship and isn’t useful, and she shouldn’t be trying to solve his problems for him. If he’s not on board with a team approach, then she shouldn’t blame herself for it. I hope he’ll agree to counseling and step up.

Ok so let me start by saying 1. Yes I absolutely know love isn’t enough to make it all better. I simply shared that meaning I do love him so it’s not just as easy as ok whatever I’m done. 2. Yes I definitely doubt what the lady I talked to told me and am looking for someone else!! She made me feel like we were in a highs hook locker room the way she responded to things which I’ll show you in a min. And when I asked questions or was trying to better understand her point I got told not to ask anything and she was the professional so I needed to trust her and just take her advice not doubt or ask questions.

To answer a question y’all asked no he did not just blame me. He took full responsibility to his actions and owned his mistakes. He was very open and sincere and took full responsibility on his own for things. I obviously can’t put every single detail on here so y’all understand better but he asked what I needed from him and I asked the same. Part of that was he said he wanted to feel wanted and I asked what he meant and he told me I had made him feel a certain way which I what I told y’all earlier. He was very quiet and almost embarrassed to open up and tell me he felt this way. But again he didn’t just come out yell and blame me and say you fix it and leave. I’m not saying y’all aren’t right but I do want to make it clear he did what he should in that aspect. So Eric I definitely do think she’s wrong here about he was just blaming me. She also threw me off by following that with “ if he wants to blame you and make you feel guilty you turn around and play the same game with him and tell him everything he’s done to you so he knows what false blame feels like”…. 😳😳 ummmm wait what?? Why are we playing the blame game here?! So I don’t think he was trying to get away from blame since he owned it. He was telling me how he felt.
Also with the no contact… I’m all for it for the right reasons. Like y’all listed above or like Eric talks about in his books.. if it’s to look back and reflect or make yourself better or give y’all time then you bet! Her reasoning that she told me was “he could use an attitude adjustment and know he can loose you at any moment. So don’t contact him. Follow the no contact rule and ignore him. Make him come back with his tail between his legs. Make him suffer” again ummm ok?!? This just completely rubbed me wrong!!! I told her we’ve been talking this whole time. I told her he opened up and took responsibility and told me what he needs from me and me from him and she said to take control of the game, throw him for a loop and go no contact. And then told me what I wrote above.
Like I said he opened up calmly and told me his feelings part of which were he didn’t feel important or loved or wanted. So to me and my opinion only that’s not the answer. It wasn’t about me becoming a better me or anything along those lines. To her it was to play the game. I’m no professional so maybe no contact is the way to go. But her reasoning and approach threw me completely off and confused me even more. That’s why I was asking here what to really do. He’s asking to be shown he matters. She’s saying don’t talk. I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to make it worse

I had little hands help me with my typing so please try to read through our typos lol

So thoughtfully written Eric and so true. We can give advice and share our point of view and suggestions. But with so many people posting blogs, being the next be “thought leader” on a topic, etc. It does seem like there is a lot of pseudo arm-chair psychology happening. Not specifically here, but in many places. I just hope we all remain open to the many different possibilites of what’s happening – you never know exactly is going on with another person either. If we get too tied to, or steadfast our own interpretations, we then aren’t as open to other points of view and empathy. Just my two cents.

Thank you Eric, I found value in this too. I especially loved the reminder of perspective and worldview. Makes me think about how I view my relationships and what I’m bringing to the table without even realising…

Also, it’s amazing that you’re posting here and we get to interact with you. I’m a huge fan and I’m certainly learning a ton. My life’s infinitely better thanks to you and all your research!

Taylor, I’m sending you love. Truly, you sound so wise to me in many ways and I wonder if you even realise the insight and wisdom your own heart holds.

I don’t know what the future for you both looks like, but I’m sending you both love anyway. May you find the magic in your hearts and whether it’s ultimately apart or together, May you learn to consistently sing from that place within that that makes miracles come sparkling true. You will find a way through this one way or another, I know you will.

And where you’re heading with such love and sincerity and genuine courage and bravery on your part, will make you stronger than you can imagine and lead you to a more wonderful future than you ever could have hoped for.

Believe in yourself, sometimes, the answers we’re looking for, are within us already….🌟💖✨

A question for Taylor:

Did you have good boundaries in this relationship? Was he respectful of them? That may be be very telling of who he is and what you currently have in one another.