Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › What does he want?
- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 1 year, 9 months ago by
Maddie.
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Amber
Hi guys, I need some opinion on what this guy is doing cuz it’s confusing me.
We met almost a year ago and it has been on and off. The first time we paused was because his ex tried to get him back and he found out she was cheating on him. And we were in the supermarket and he was all off and I asked him what’s wrong and that was when he told me that he went to see his ex. And I said maybe we should take a break cuz obviously you are not over her and he said he was over her it was just shocking to know she was cheating.
And after a while we started to date again, and then paused again cuz I feel insecure that I don’t think he was completely honest with me. And towards the end I told him I don’t want to just hang out I want something solid or serious eventually, and he said he doesn’t want to waste my time cuz he’s not sure about the future. And then I told him maybe we should stop seeing each other cuz I don’t feel like it’s going anywhere. And personally I feel like it’s getting toxic to keep going back and forth. And I kinda said goodbye. And he did too.
Then after like 3 months or so, a few days ago, he texted me saying how are you and stuff and asked me if I want to have dinner tonight, I said I actually met someone recently, and he said he hasn’t met anybody during these months (which I kinda don’t believe?). He said he wasn’t ready before and he was working on himself and getting over his ex completely cuz I am the only one he wanted to be with and he is ready now.
I said I don’t think it is a good idea to have dinner cuz I just started to date now and he asked me if it is serious with this new guy and how I just forgot about him so soon. And he said he absolutely didn’t meet anyone at all. But since I already met someone new, he said it doesn’t matter anymore.I was moving on and now I feel worse but I don’t know why I feel bad. I just want to know what’s in his mind and the truth but I feel like I’m not getting it from him.
And I tried to tell him how I feel and make it understandable for myself and he said I already seeing someone so what’s the point of talking about this.
And now I’m so confused. It took me a while to get over him but now I start to think of it again trying to figure it out. He always sounded so serious and seemed to be the one who cared more. He kept telling me how he missed me and likes me. I don’t know if I missed anything here or he is just telling me BS? How do i know?Amber
And it just made me go back to all the details we had and tried to see how it didn’t go right. I don’t know what’s wrong with me either to always fall for his words.
Liz Lemon
How old are you both?
Any time you’re on and off with someone, it’s a bad sign. If a guy is right for you, things won’t vacillate back and forth. You will have a steady, secure relationship. You haven’t had that with this guy.
It sounds to me like he’s playing games. Especially now that he knows you’re seeing someone else. My advice is to not let him jerk you around– he talks a good game, but he’s had multiple opportunities to make it work with you and it failed. Don’t get sucked in and let him sabotage your dating life now.
Maddie
I agree that you should keep getting to know your new guy and cut out your ex for the time being. Don’t let him distract you if the new guy seems promising.
3 months is usually not enough time to change for a guy who kept going on and off because he wasn’t ready for a relationship and outright said “he doesn’t want to waste [your] time cuz he’s not sure about the future” to you. Sure, maybe he wasn’t over the damage his ex did yet, but is he truly over the cheating now? What kind of work has he done on himself? Has he been going to therapy, or is he just working out at the gym more and got a glow up or something like that?
But in your position, I wouldn’t actually give him the time of day to explain how he’s worked on himself to me if I was already seeing someone else. He doesn’t get to waltz into your life just because he is “ready” and you’re supposed to drop everything and run back… just, no. He can shoot his shot, but if he keeps pressing after you’ve said you’re seeing someone else, then that is selfish and disrespectful towards you. It is not caring or indicative of a changed, mature man.
To answer your question about how to tell if someone in this case is genuine or just talk. If someone has really changed and isn’t just BSing you, or BSing themselves, you won’t feel confused at all. Maybe wary about getting back together, but not confused by the guy. They’ll tell you clearly why they’re trying to reconnect and will say outright that they want to get back together. They’ll be very consistent over time between words, actions, feelings, and follow-through. Their communication is great, you know exactly what changed and what will be different and why, because they’re able to tell you! They are very respectful of you and your needs and what you need from them to earn your trust back, and they do it without complaint or resentment. You will not feel confused at all or feel like the guy isn’t telling you the full truth. Another thing to be aware of is, if only one of you changed after things didn’t work to begin with and you didn’t both grow after the last break up, it will still fall apart, probably in the exact same way as before.
But that aside, it sounds like you should clear your head by taking no contact time from the ex and focus on how things go with the new guy. You don’t need the ex’s drama to sabotage something that could be a lot better and easier of a match.
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