What does he want from me?

Why is every unusually dramatic story a fake post? I think we have very few fake posts here.

Autumn, don’t think of your self worth or low self esteem. You cannot just will your self esteem to raise. But what you can do is understand what kind of person he is and decide if you want to be with such a man. You can have feelings for him and you might have those feelings lingering for a long time but do you want to be with such a man?

12 years difference is a huge difference. For a man of low nature like yours this gives him justification, in his mind, to treat you poorly. You being older. Do not deal with younger men unless they consistently behave with tact, respect, care, and show you love and attention.

Your plan sounds good. Get ready and leave him. He is going to whine for you to come back, don’t give in. A person who can treat another person this way, any other person let alone his GF is an a-le. Stay away from a-les.

Next time, use this trick. You start seeing a guy, you notice ONE disrespectful thing (imagine yourself as another person), pull the plug right away. I am not saying a small thing, something of significance. Just tell yourself that you ARE ready to do that and see how your life will change. Just being ready to do that mentally will make a difference on how men treat you, it will also make a difference on what men you’d get involved with. You’d be able to sniff out a douchebag very quickly.

Thank you Newbie, Nat , and Liberty.

I know in this moment as I messaged you all and ask for advice ( which I know is deeper than a message boardbut it seems like that happens often where people seek help from others online) that I do not like to feel this broken. I considered myself to be strong, especially after what I had to endure with my ex husband. That experience landed me in the hospital for 11 days. I felt a sense of protection to my daughters by hiding the abuse from them ( yes I know that wasn’t a great idea but that is their father) but I was so young then. Iconsidered myself to be a bit smarter than what I am now. I don’t see myself “fixing” him but rather, letting him know how I feel and want to be treated.

@Newbie, you mentioned that the whole dynamic is off. Do you mind to explain why you feel that way?

I want to thank everyone who shared their opinions to me. I want you all to know that your words will not go in vein. I couldn’t sleep last night because I thought long and hard about my situation. I feel like sometimes, this situation has gotten the best of me but I try not to allow that. Truthfully, I’ve given him alot of me but he will never get the best of me, at least, I hope it hasn’t.

Newbie,

Thank you for explaining. You’re right about sadly. I hold on to the times when I feel like it appears he’s trying.

This is why I asked everyone about him telling me about the phone call that the ex made to him. He said he didn’t want to keeps any secrets in our relationship…though I know it caused some problems in our relationship… I felt like he was slowly but learning to have some respect in our relationship and doesn’t want to lose me…

Shoshannah

I do apologize to you, I didn’t see your other posting as I tried to read and take in everything that everyone has mentioned. My apologies for it to seem like it was going unnoticed. I do appreciate you ( as well as others) taking the time out to read my posting and sharing your thoughts on my situation. Truthfully, I don’t know why I love him.

I have to think that I gravitated towards him in the beginning because he wanted to commit so fast. He wanted for us to build a future and for me to move in with him. I know that I must build up my self esteem and worth for me to easily believe him. Especially since he’s been showing disrespect for awhile now. I don’t know WHY he pursued me, I don’t appear to be his type. He showed a sense of vulnerability to him when we were first moving my things into his house. He told me that he did the whole “grass is greener” thing in past relationships and would lose a whole lot if we didn’t work out. I told him I’d be losing alot too, then he said that he’d be losing more. I always trusted that when he told me that he and the ex were just friends, I believed him. He also mentioned to me that he felt that he shouldn’t have to end their friendship just because he was starting a new relationship with me. He KNEW I didn’t like for him to be still in contact with his ex. He KNEW.

We’ve met each others families. I have his family on my fb page. I figured why would he want to disrespect me or our relationship by cheating. For him to want to share rental property with me, showed to me someone who was very committed. I guess I am just still so shocked out at all of what I’ve put up with , believed and fell for.

The worst part about all of this is how stupid I WAS and still AM, by the way he was so disrespectful to the ex. She had suspected him of calling her privately a few months ago and told our mutual friend of that in a passing conversation. THta mutual friend tells me and of course I confront my man about it. He then calls her up to cuss her out and calling her a whore and accused her of sleeping with these men in front of me. He felt he was accomplishing something by letting me know she’s a whore but he didn’t. And to make matters worse… he threatens her with sex videos he made of those 2 when they were together and sending it to these men he thought she was sleeping with. And TELLS me about it. He just got so mad at her. But a few weeks later ( according to the ex) he calls her to apologize for disrespecting her. For her to only call to apologize the following week about her part in all of the drama.

Why am I still with him? Well we won’t be questioning that for long. As I am sitting here thinking about all of the mess he’s done and the way he’s treated both me and other people….

I guess I wouldn’t treat tatoos as red flags either, but other things you mentioned – definitely: rushing things in the begining, showing his ‘vulnerability’ – sounds like a typical abusive cycle, a guy gets you hooked quickly and as soon as you are hooked, the abuse starts.

About the ex… he got mad at her? He’s just a creep, a control freak, no amount of anger can explain what he’s doing.

As for why you love him – have you hear of trauma bonding?

I’m sorry, I’m not a psychologist (and most people here aren’t…), I don’t think I can really help. these are just some thoughts that I had after reading your last posts.

@ L is it? The only person certified here is you. You manage to troll peoples postings with your unnecessary comments. Noticed I’ve ignored you, up until this point. Grow up.

And thank you for your comments Shoshannah, yes I just apologized because I thought I missed your posting. Again thank your for your opinions. The tattoos are a red flag becasue he mentioned they were “part of his past” when he really got them the MONTH we got involved.

As for the ex, it bothered me because he is so emotionally invested in her still, for him to feel like it’s okay to exploit her like that. He’s not a nice person who I simply cannot be with much longer.

@ Alterego

What issues do you feel he has besides being a complete jerk and a–hole?

Sam,

Thank you for your reply but my “kids” are fine. They are grown and have their own place. They are in their 20s and live out of the house. How does that make me an abuser again? I am here to talk about my relationship issues. Not the well being of my children as they are fine. Have you not been reading or are you just trying to pick apart my parenting to make this whole ordeal even worse than it actually is? My kids are just fine. The relationship isn’t. If I felt like my grown kids were in an danger ( and they aren’t) then I’d be here talking about my parenting. Not my poor taste in men.

You are stuck in minutia and that saves you from looking at the total picture. You need to step way back and find the BIG RED FLAG waving.

Who cares who said what to who…..who give a damn? Look around you….take a good hard look…you are in a living hell.

It is unfortunate that you are wasting your energy to come up with every excuse to stay in a horrid situation. What you need is total support….start with a group of abused women if you cannot find it in yourself to get a therapist at first. You need serious help. You have cheated yourself, your precious self all these years, of a better life.

How many women here have said it “BREAKS their heart” just to read what you have written. It breaks mine too. Please, please get help. If you could see that I am close to tears just hoping you will reach out….this is a first step….take another.

Autumn,

Well I don’t see how he “used and played” her as much as I can see how he used and played, well STILL playing you. I’m not trying to defend the ex here as I don’t know her but he’s clearly doing that monkeybranching. They break up in late march and you 2 get together in April 10th …. I had to go back an reread your OP. You are CLEARLY a rebound so that lets me know all that I need to know. He’s with you because he simply cannot be alone and wants to spend YOUR money. I’m not trying to be rude or disrespectful to you but you asked what he wants from you, right? Well, he wants your money and your attention.

He’s using and playing you every single day by lying to you enough to keep the money coming in because you give it to him,still probably. Stop giving him money and see what happens.

You must see something in his actions if you are putting things in storage, right? And I do question why you are STILL with him after he showed his Arse in front of your family by allowing you to pay for your own birthday dinner. How much of an arse does he need to be for you to actually just LEAVE? It’s not just about the money, but your self worth and you must not have much of it.

You are attacking the ex as if she’s the problem. She’s not. The problem is how you feel about yourself and how you allow him to constantly treat you. He may not have hit ( thankfully he hasn’t) but he’s doing far worse in my opinion, by manipulating you every day. Look at how he just felt up a woman at a strip club in front of you during a private dance and you STAYED!!!!!! Did you say something to him then?? Or did you just allow it to happen until the birthday night you planned for him that he tried to change up?

I guess I am tired of people staying in relationships because they don’t want to be alone and feeling like being single is a problem. It really isn’t. Plus there are plenty of fish in the sea.

redcurleysue,

I had to think about it. When we do argue, he apologizes only to tell me that I was “doing dumb SH–” that caused him to act in that way. Placing the blame on me in the arguments. I guess that is a classic case of emotional abuse. TPlus mistreating me at the strip club, made me a little sick inside because of how little he thinks of our relationship. Not only that but other instances as well that I haven’t mentioned. The fact that he went on with the ex makes me feel like I’m not enough for him. The fact that he didn’t tell the ex about us in the first place, only to go on with her, buy her furniture for her apartment, taking her out to lunches in public, having sex with her, taking her to a birthday party and leaving me home when we were supposed to celebrate our 5 month anniversary that evening. ALL of this just pisses me off. I don’t think things will get better. But with my still being here ( yes I have an exit strategy) I do hold on to the littlest things that he does because no one wants to believe that they are being used for financial stability. I do have some anger towards the ex because he chose to cheat with her, not some stranger. Of course I’m not going to think nice things about her. I’m not attacking he or anyone, just stating my thoughts on them. If he still loves her, it’s something I’ll have to accept as well as other things. It hurts me more than anything because I never want to believe that. It just hurts, all of this hurts. I’m hurt.

I want to let it be known that I do not plan on staying with him. My whole reasoning for this thread is why does he want ME? I hold on to the smallest things Julie, because it sadly, gives me hope that he may care, somewhat, about me. I love him, sadly. I know that I need to leave him. I do appreciate all the people who have contributed to this thread to help me. I do. And yes I kept asking about him telling me about the call because it DID make me feel like he considered our relaltionship for once.

Leslie he sure does want her girl! Come on now! He wants her money and sex, now that the ex decided to stop giving it to him!

He’s the worst of the worse possible kind of “man”. But she loves him.

This is sad. Really sad Autumn. Since you’re still in that house with him, stop giving him money and sex and see if he stays with you or dumps you. He’ll carry on with another chick for sure. Best of luck to you Autumn because you need it. And trust when I say, the ex is not the problem here. It’s him. He doesn’t love you or care about you. Nor will he ever and even if he did come clean to you about the ex calling him, doesn’t mean SH– to me. Did he come clean about the whole conversation? Probably not since he is allergic to the truth apparently.

I think I misunderstood this. You wait for him to find someone else, and it’s only then that you want to leave him? Why?