What does it mean when he calls you his girlfriend?

I’d like to know this guy’s definition of committing and his definition of girlfriend since he has already put these terms out there regarding his relationship with you. Never agree to an arrangement unless you are completely at peace with it. Ask him to explain this arrangement he has in mind. You have the power to accept or reject what it is based on your own wants and needs.

You trying to figure this out on your own will stress you out and take all the fun out of dating. Get him to tell you exactly what he means. If you don’t like the offer, bow out and move on.

Hello Well done for getting back on the saddle. I would be cautious mind you of the guy that says he doesn’t want to commit. I think if you agree to this and even if he calls you the gf you are basically signing up on his terms if you personally would prefer a full on relationship with a future and it also gives him the get out clause that he can behave in a manner that’s not pleasing to you and he can say well I told you I didn’t want to commit too much and believe me he will use this. That said I don’t see any hurry for you to rush in either, you should be taking your time, having fun, addressing your own needs and desires and deciding carefully what you want from your life and in a relationship. If I was you I would talk to the guy number 1 and say you are willing to see him but you are hoping to be in a relationship with substance and for the long term and if theres not enough substance or commitment then you will not be an exclusive gf to him. That way theres no deception or mixed expectations on either side. With the other guy by all means see how it goes but try and find out what it is he is looking for whether it be a friend, casual relationship, relationship whatever. Be the prize, know your value and see the guys as lucky to get to spend time with you on your terms and at your pace. Good luck. x

When guys don’t want to “commit”, they are really just trying to protect themselves from being hurt again. That’s my experience. So, when you walk away from the situation, and tell them, it’s either you commit or I am out of here, all of a sudden they have no problem “committing”. This is just my take on it from my experience with men, and I am not a man. I think you should tell Guy #1 that you wan to be in a committed relationship, and since he doesn’t want to give you that you are moving on to find it.

I do not see things as black and white. With your history I am not sure you want to jump right into marriage either, or? Would you be ready to fully commit now? Ask yourself that question. I think that if he considers you his girlfriend, that is already a form of a commitment, unless he means that he will go out with others, potentially sleep with others. I would ask him to clarify.

I agree with Alia here. My story of dating this guy who did call me his girlfriend and introduced me to people but was afraid commitment completely changed once I broke up with him. Then, all of a sudden he was interested in more commitment and not wanting to sabotage like he had before.

I think that in life you never have a guarantee, as you know too not even in marriage. Mine ended too. My better relationships were not marriages. I am not discounting marriage at all, what I am saying is that since you are a more mature woman too, perhaps your first priority is not marriage right now given also that you got into this in the middle of divorce the way I got into my relationship.

When I did date others was when I was broken up with my BF. In my opinion in a relationship you should not date others, I do not, meeting as friends ok but with a romantic interest, no.

But do clarify these issues with Guy 1 what he wants and what he means by GF; it may be a bit early at this point too.

My BF finally admitted after one year that he was afraid to live with me because if it had not worked out, he would have been left devastated, more so than me, that was his opinion and perhaps correct because as much as I have been in love with him, I survived without him despite it being very hard and he could not let go.

Patience especially with more mature men with a baggage is key. Positivity and what we usually recommend being relaxed, etc. Unfortunately, some do not do well until they learn what it is like to lose you and some do not do well after that either.

Life will tell but first I would sit down with Guy 1 and talk openly to be clear.

Sorry so slow in responding…

K/ollie/raven: Love your responses…guess that is the bottom line…I’m not worried about commitment in terms of marriage, but I would like someone to be exclusive with me…maybe if I use that word, he won’t be scared off. Then I can really find out where I stand. But also..If guy #2 is just wanting a friend to go/do things with…isn’t that ok?

amy s: Thank you…. I like that you say a relationship with ‘substance’…I will use that! Also that I want to be the ‘prize’ that’s awesome too! I’ve got to chat with guy #1 about this stuff. It won’t be easy, but I need to do it for me! Guy #2 – we haven’t been out in over 2 weeks…but he was on vacation and such…so I’m not concerned. He will call when he wants… P.S. Sorry to hear of your past bad experience. Again..I think it is all in the wording. He lives an hour away and we don’t get to see each other but once a week. Makes it hard to find time to talk about serious stuff..but I will have to bring it up. He did say that he wants to stay where he is and I’m looking into buying a condo..so I’m staying where I am…that’s okay..sleepovers are fun! lol :)

maria: You are so right..I need to find out his definition of gf! I don’t think that I will sleep with guy #2…and like you said..if it leads to that..then I don’t belong with guy #1. Funny…this is such a game..and I just don’t want to make the wrong choice!

alia: You are correct..he is trying to protect himself. He had a tough breakup less than a year ago..I understand that. But I’m not her. I think my problem was/is..I used the word commit and to him that meant a bad thing..so I’m going to try ‘exclusive’ instead. That might be the key..the wording!

SthrnBelle: Thank you for looking at things in a different prospective…No I’m not looking for marriage!! After 27 years..I need a break from that..BUT I do want something substantial..something that I can count on, someONE I can count on. Someone exclusive that loves me for me. I don’t know if he will ever use that word..but we shall see..too early to tell. I just want to be ‘into’ someone completely and them into me the same way. I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me I’m ‘married’…I want our hearts to tell us that. I do believe, like you said, that girlfriend is a commitment to him. We have spoken at length about his marriage, his girlfriend and such and he has shared good and bad about both with me. That’s fine..he is honest and open. So have I been too. I’m also a bit afraid of bringing up this subject yet because of his fears. He almost took his life when his girlfriend of 10 years last year left him. I don’t want to seem like I’m needy of more than he wants to give. I know right now he is not seeing anyone else. I know that he is definitely not looking for anyone to sleep with. I’m confident in that. I honestly think I need to hold out longer. We have only been together like 10 weeks and my divorce was just finalized last Friday. I think us living apart is ok…I do wish we were closer only for the fact that we can’t get together more often, but we are both really busy at this time in our lives and we need to do things on our own and ‘want’ for each other. It is so special when we do get together because we aren’t together all the time. It does leave for a ‘longing’ and sometimes ‘lonely’ times..but that’s okay..it helps us to think about each other and keep that ‘spark’ alive. Yes time will tell..and I need to give it time too. We are learning about each other and that is a good thing. :)

redcurleysue: Yes..I do need to stay strong and show and tell him what I want too! We are both still learning….I was married for 27 years, he was for 21 years (ended 6 years ago) but he was with his girlfriend for 10 (yes, while he was married..his wife knew too)…so this is all new to him again too. A new chapter in both of our lives. We are learning and growing together. He has been a wonderful addition to my life..not every man wants to deal with a woman going through divorce even if they have been through one themselves. Yet, he has helped me and more importantly, listened to me…!! I so appreciate that too. He’s even met my ex and now understands what I have gone through and that helps him to understand me better too.

Again, all of you, thank you for your responses!! I wish you all love and happiness in your lives!!

K, I think you read that wrong. No where did she say anything to conclude that guy #1 was married at the same time he had a gf.

Just read her latest post above…

K & Vanessa: Yes he did have a girlfriend while he was married. The marriage was failing and he didn’t want to leave because of the kids. Please don’t judge him on that. He is open and honest with me about it. He doesn’t and even with that girlfriend want to marry…that’s okay..I might not want that either. Sorry, I do get long winded because I have a lot to say and it is hard to explain it all on here. YES I do need to talk to him about what gf means to him. If we go on like this – exclusively…then I’m fine. I don’t need someone to marry me..I just go out of a long marriage..not ready to jump into anything like that…..

K…That’s so true..I understand. Right now I’m just ‘cooling’ down after the divorce..still in the process of selling the home with the ‘ex’ and moving on to my own place. I really don’t have a lot of time to spend with a bf…but that might change. I think the hardest part of all of this isn’t the dating or finding a man..it is just trying to work on things and not rush into anything. Things might change in the future..once I get my own place and get settled in, then I might want someone around more often. Will he fit that bill at that time? Who knows! But I really don’t think I can ask those type of questions at this time. It will really be too early seeing that it has only been about 10 weeks. Is there ever a good time?? Not sure. I think right now I’m just going to play it out until I do get settled (which should be within the next month or so) and then see where we are at. In the meantime..I’ll just keep it going and ask some smaller questions (like what does gf mean to you) and such. Keep it open and honest and not rush into the future..it will come fast enough. Plus, it will give me time to learn more about him and find out if I want to be just with him or not. I can’t put all my eggs in one basket when he is the first one I started seeing after my marriage broke apart….

Lisa,

Enjoy your second time around being single and armed with more wisdom. I for one don’t want to get remarry. I’m widowed and 50 years old. I have a BF now for over a year and I love our current situation the way it is. I want to stay as a GF for as long as we can. I don’t want to live together either. I love the time together and time apart. But everybody is different.

Just live, laugh and love.