What is my next step?


Home Forums Did He Lose Interest? What is my next step?

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  • #930206 Reply
    Naturegrl

    I’ve been seeing a guy that I met online for about 6 weeks. Things were going fairly well, seeing each other 1-2 times a week, and texting daily (a reasonable amount, nothing out of hand). We both said we could see this going somewhere.
    We saw each other 3 days in a row last weekend, which was great, but come Monday (one week ago), he’s gone cold. Barely responsive, one word answers, rarely initiating messages, and no plans in place to exchange the gifts we bought one another (which was his idea to do).
    I know he’s been busy with his kids over the holidays, and has now been feeling unwell the last few days, but there’s still a noticeable difference in communication. And he hasn’t bothered to ask how I’m doing or wish me happy holidays. Although he’s so far not been an inquisitive texter.
    Wondering what I should do next? Keep initiating small talk? Ask when/if he would like to exchange gifts? Ask what’s on his mind? Stop texting for a while? Drop it all together? I do like this guy. Help!

    #930210 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    This is tricky. Six weeks of dating is very early on– you don’t know this guy yet. And the holidays can be an emotionally loaded time for people.

    How long has he been divorced? (you mention he has kids so I assume he’s divorced). Do you know much about his relationship with his family, or with his ex wife? If he has family issues, or issues with his ex, they will come to full force over the holidays, and you two haven’t been dating long enough for him to really open up about that kind of thing.

    And yes, he’s feeling sick, and some people aren’t very communicative when they’re sick. But from what you’re saying, his change in communication style started before he began feeling unwell.

    I hate to say it, but in the early days of dating, guys can change their minds quickly, especially if things are intense (you have a strong connection and spend a lot of time together). Things can be going great, then they realize that they aren’t in the headspace for a relationship, or they’re not over their ex, whatever. It really takes 3-4 months of solid dating to really know a guy’s intentions. As women we tend to make excuses when a guy starts to fade– he’s busy with his kids, he’s sick, etc– but the bottom line is, a man who wants to pursue you does that. He pursues. He makes it clear he’s interested.

    You shouldn’t have to chase this guy down to give him his holiday gift. I don’t know what your last communication was like (who initiated, or how it ended). I’d leave him alone for a bit, and if you don’t hear from him for a couple of days, send him a light text asking how he’s feeling. I wouldn’t pressure him about exchanging gifts. You shouldn’t *have* to pressure a guy to see you! And don’t ask any heavy questions about what’s on his mind– texting is not the format for heavy conversations. If he’s acting weird and pulling back, then mirror him and pull back too. Don’t chase.

    #930211 Reply
    Raven

    Exchange gifts… hmmmmm…
    He’s not asking you to exchange gifts- maybe he didn’t get you anything. What did you get him?

    #930215 Reply
    Naturegrl

    He told me previously that he had already bought something. And he knows I’ve purchased something as well.

    #930216 Reply
    Naturegrl

    He’s been divorced for a number of years. He has a good relationship with his ex. Friendly, but not overly so. I’m pretty sure it’s over and done.
    We have still spoken every day since last Monday. But sometimes only one or two messages. Usually me initiating, and him taking hours between. He initiated yesterday, saying he was still sick, joked about his laziness, we sent maybe 10 messages, and he was last to respond.

    #930217 Reply
    Liz Lemon`

    Thanks for the additional info. Things still seem “off” to me. It doesn’t sound like he’s eager to see you (even being sick, he should want to see you).

    When I started dating my bf, about 6-8 weeks into dating, I went away for a long weekend to visit relatives who live in another state. Mind you, I was only gone 5 days. While I was away, he texted me a lot, and told me that he missed me. He wasn’t sick, so it’s not the same thing, but my point is– when he was unable to see me, he made it clear that he *wanted* to. I would think a guy who’s into you at this point in dating would be expressing a desire to see you if he’s in a situation where he can’t (like illness or travel).

    That’s what seems off about this situation to me. He’s joking about being lazy and sick, but not saying he can’t wait to see you again. You’re communicating, but only 1-2 messages a day, and you usually have to initiate.

    Given the further info you’ve provided, I’d pull back. If you don’t hear from him in a day or two, you could text to ask how he is. But honestly it sounds to me like this guy is fading out. If he is, let him. If he isn’t, then he will come back and step up big time once he’s feeling better.

    #930218 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Are you exclusive? Because a discussion about going somewhere is not the same.

    And why are you initiating, especially if you are not exclusive? Initiating is a reward for consistent behavior.

    It is hard to tell because men can be singularly focused and distracted during the holiday. So he might literally be just off.

    I suggest you pull way back and only respond. I do not even suggest any more first texts since you have been leading during the holiday.

    Focus on: what physical sensations am I experiencing? What story am I telling myself? Do I know it is true? If I really loved myself and believed in romantic love abundance for me regardless of this man how would I act and behave towards myself and him?

    #930219 Reply
    Maddie

    You posted about this before? Doesn’t he have covid? He can’t see you until after his quarantine period is over, and probably doesn’t want to make plans until he knows he’s negative and is feeling better. Plus, agree with above that holidays may be tough or confusing for some.

    Lean back, mirror him, and hold tight. While the signs don’t bode well, they are just signs and you are currently reading tea leaves and assuming the worst. I don’t recommend making excuses, but there are actually a couple reasonable other explanations here. Give it another week to see how he follows up after he’s feeling better and the holidays are over. After only 6 weeks you should still be open to other options and not putting all your eggs in one basket whom you don’t know well yet. Keep observing and deciding if you like what you see and if he’s consistent. Again, this may not be going in the direction that you hoped, but I think all bets are off when he’s sick with symptomatic covid (or sick with anything else that keeps him in bed for a week) and you’ll need to wait out his recovery to find out for sure about his interest level. Try to find other things to do and not dwell on him and speculating about his feelings in the meantime.

    #930223 Reply
    Naturegrl

    Hmm, no I have never posted on here before. I don’t know what he’s sick with. But very interesting that someone has posted something so similar that you thought it was a duplicate!
    It’s hard for me to hold back because it’s in my nature to take care of someone who isn’t feeling well.

    #930227 Reply
    Maddie

    Ahhhhhh, sorry then. I could have sworn I read something extremely similar and the guy has covid, and he was still checking in a bit but a lot shorter than normal and hadn’t wished a Merry Christmas. Though my advice to mirror him and see what he does over the next week still stands :)

    Has he given you any reason to pause prior to getting sick, any inconsistency? I also agree with the advice above that sometimes things flip between about 6 and 12 weeks and a committed relationship doesn’t end up developing. So it’s important to observe and see that things are to your liking and compatible before investing very early.

    #930226 Reply
    Trixie

    Just pull back to see his level of interest.

    #930268 Reply
    Naturegrl

    The more I think about it, the more inconsistencies I recall. Funny how you’re so blind so someone’s flaws right off the bat, but a couple days of a breather opens your eyes.
    I’ll check in with him today, because I’m genuinely concerned for how he’s feeling, see where that goes, and then leave it be and see what happens after the holidays/he feels better.
    I can always return the presents.

    #930269 Reply
    Tallspicy

    No. He is telling you where he stands with his actions. He is a man, most likely not wanting to talk about feelings, especially if he is pulling back. He knows where to find you if he wants to talk to you. Remember that, you don’t need to chase anyone who wants to be there. Let him do the lifting.

    #930420 Reply
    Emily

    years. The reason why I went on this date is because over the past 7 months we have been talking, and I have been entertaining him , unlike in the past. Make a long story short I finally gave in went on the date with him. For our date we went on a walk to look at some Christmas lights…. Don’t worry this was my idea !! He seen me gave me a hug , we started walking around got tired so we sat on the bench. He started checking me out told me to come closer and we cuddled. He also was rubbing my legs and touching my face. He stated to me that I looked very comfortable with him ? I fixed my purse and when I look up he staring into my soul ! Like a deep blank stare….. I asked him what ? Then he asked me if get a lot of compliments? Which I don’t know why he asked me that ?
    Then All of a sudden he ends the date early says he has to go. Never heard from him again ?

    I new here and I’m not sure how to post my on thread .

    #930421 Reply
    Emily

    My post Emily !

    I meant to say he’s been chasing me for years ! After 7 months of Actually entertaining him on and off I go out with him.

    #930426 Reply
    Raven

    @Emily, he’s a dud!

    #930514 Reply
    Naturegrl

    Update:

    We messaged back and forth a few times. I ended up getting COVID, told him, and he has not once bothered to ask how I’ve been doing or anything.
    We now haven’t spoken for 3 or 4 days, so, I guess I know where I stand.

    #930516 Reply
    Maddie

    I’m sorry it turned out this way. It may not feel it now, but 6 weeks is a short amount of time to see into someone’s true colors so at least you got out early. Feel better and get well soon!!!

    #930521 Reply
    tammy

    this sucks. while he may not message you every day, to give you time and space to recover, not dropping a text since the past 4/5 days is quite telling. atleast you got to know very early on that this is not it. get well soon.

    #930528 Reply
    Naturegrl

    Thanks everyone for your insights :)
    Helps to have a place to get outside opinions!

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