Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › What is the best way to handle this with dignity and class?
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joan.
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Sophie
I met a man and he chased after me, then we had a few dates and with each date he would be more and more distant and by date 3 he was already dating someone else.
I presumed a case of “Mr Unavailable”, so I broke off the relationship right away because I didn’t want to be someones fallback girl. I always try and be open and honest so I explained very kindly to him that I felt he wasn’t acting like he was trying to cultivate a relationship with me, and he said he understood but was sad he couldn’t see me anymore.
At the time I didn’t take it very personally because he has only had one proper relationship in his life and so I figured he had commitment issues rather than it being personal to me. He struck me as the kind of person who wouldn’t know what he was looking for if he tripped over it in the street, and I actually felt kind of sorry for him for screwing up a good thing.
So anyway, we continued to chat back and forth a little bit and he contacts me a lot. I never contact him, but he sends me a lot of messages and calls me. He messages to ask how I am and to talk about day to day life or whatever and makes it clear he cares about me as a person and enjoys me being a part of his life. He often also gets flirty with me frequently, always talking about how “oh we never had a chance to do that did we” or telling me how beautiful I am.
So last night he was being pretty flirty with me and I said it was a shame we didn’t want the same things, and he said to me that I had misunderstood and that he did want a relationship, but just not one with ME. He said “for some reason I just don’t see us together”
I was pretty confused, because he clearly has a very strong sexual attraction to me, likes talking to me, wants to spend time with me, thinks I am really smart / funny / kind / loving / interesting and we had THREE dates….so if he felt like that why would you not invest a little time actually getting to know the girl?
I asked him why it was that he didn’t see us together, and he said I was a little intense compared to him and it made him worry about the future heading into long term.
That’s fine and all that – I am a passionate, warm and open person – but I am not sure why any of that would be a bad thing. I am definitely not clingy or demanding or intense in a way that carries a negative connotation, so I feel a bit like he had made a very snap judgement on me.
I am a bit confused here about how to proceed. I told him we could be friendly previously, but that was when I thought he was just a commitment-phobe. Knowing that he thinks there is something fundamentally “not girlfriend material” about me specifically actually makes me feel bad and I kind of don’t want to speak to anyone who feels that way about me.
I don’t think I want him in my life AT ALL anymore. Especially not flirting with me if he thinks I am not GF material, but I also don’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he hurt me.
I don’t really understand why on earth he invests time into even speaking to me if he had dismissed me as not right for him.
Any ideas for the perfect way to handle it? I feel like “blocking and deleting” just makes him feel superior, so I’d like the perfect classy quip to end things on. Maybe a great text message or something on those lines?
I am really bad at this, but kind of don’t want this jerk to get the better of me.
Marie
I understand: your ego is hurt.
But he was honest.. he did not sleep with you and then faded like many losers do. He was not disrespectful.
You are not his type I guess, nothing wrong with you, it is just a matter of compatibility.
Period.Your ego is screwing you up.
I think you should stay friend with him.
Sophie
What do I get from a “friendship” with someone who wants to chat and flirt with me but thinks I lack the qualities as a girlfriend?
He’s not a friend. I have plenty of friends…
I think he wants his cake and eat it.
Marie
OK, then you can just forget about him.
You tell him “ciao” and you delete him from your life.
It is that simple, really. Tell him you don’t see him in your life even as a friend for some reasons.
Tallspicy
Omg, drama queen. You went on three dates. He was dating others or whatever, which is totally fine, btw. If he was not stepping up, you just step off. Why are you having all these conversations and more importantly, why do you care? Just stop responding to him and stop analyzing him because honestly, he just sounds like a guy who was not that into you. Men like attention and you respond. How to stop this, just don’t respond. I am not a fan of ghosting, but he is not actually trying to see you, so just let it fizzle and think about the drama you are projecting onto him. If you are so available, this would not be such a long thing because you would have moved on in confidence long before you posted here.
Marie
And you should give zero crap about what he thinks or how he perceives the situation.
What he thinks of you is none of your business.
redcurleysue
We all put people in boxes. He friend zoned you.
All you have to do is be more busy when he texts, etc. Over time he will stop reaching for conversation when it is very brief.
Amanda
I agree with RCS. Just slowly stop responding to texts and let it fade away. This happens with old friends of mine unintentionally all the time. And I totally get why you don’t want to be friends, this guy does nothing for you. Just let him go.
Ash
Yep, you already don’t send messages to him, so just stop responding.
When you don’t want people in your life, you cut them out.It doesn’t matter what he thinks, block him and move on with your life.
Want To Feel Strong
Hi,
I just want to share how I feel, so please be nice to me.I was seeing a guy for over a year and some months, we didn’t title it because I didn’t want anything at the moment because I was fresh out of a 6 year relationship and I was honest with him, which he understood. So, I bluntly told him that he can see other people or do whatever he wants but once he sleeps with someone then he has to let me know and that’s when we stop seeing each other. So, sexually we were exclusive. He did everything in his power to let me know he was serious, he introduced me to his friends, family, co workers, grandparents, anyone or anything he was close to he introduced me to them. He did cute little things for me that made me smile, as in getting me my favorite candy bar or wine when I would go over, send me cute animals videos or anything that reminded him of me through out the day. So, about nine months in I asked him what does he want from me (I only asked because I wanted to know where his head was at before I left to go to another country for two weeks) and he said he doesn’t know and will talk once I came back from my vacation so I said ok. We continued to do what we have been doing and I never asked again. Then when I came back after my vacation, he asked me two different times he wants to move forward, he realized he missed me while I was away and I said I wasn’t ready, he never said anything after that and we continued to do what were doing. The relationship never moved forward, mainly from my part because I didn’t want him to be a rebound and also there were things that I was skeptical about related to him. He invited me to go to his family vacation In September and I agreed to go for a week, had fun. We started to have problems prior to the vacation but when we came back things were worse. We disagreed on various things and kinda fought over every little thing. There was communication issue from both parties, both of us are very stubborn and set in our ways. Then I came to realize that I have feelings for him, spending that week with him painted the picture vivid. So, I told him how he felt and all, but he said he cant’t give me what I want because he’s moving for work plus we have issues, and if the two options are relationship or nothing then it’s nothing. I was pretty upset, I didn’t how to deal with rejection, my emotions were all over the place but I wasn’t going to see him casually so I said we can no longer see each other and nor do I want to be your friend. I asked him to not contact me anymore. However, I did text him drunk three times, the last time I texted him he wanted to continue the conv but even though I texted him I had to keep my responses short. So, last night I deleted his contact out of my phone. He is not on any of my social media. After deleting his contact I don’t feel anything. Is it weird? or am I blocking out the feelings? I don’t know how to feel…I just wanted to share but if you have some advice please share with me but please be nice.
Vanessa
“Want to feel strong” – create your own thread. Go to “forum” at the top, click on a topic. Scroll all the way down and you’ll see a text box like the one you typed in on here.
Want To Feel Strong
Just did, Thank you
kaye
Sophie,
I know your ego is hurt and you want to know what it is about you this guy just doesn’t find as girlfriend material. But not every person you go out with is a fit. And I actually like this guy!! I think he is refreshingly honest! He didn’t string you along. He is attracted to you, would sleep with you if given the opportunity but doesn’t see a future with you. I wish all men were this honest!! If they were I think 75% of the posts on this forum would be gone! Most women sit there and wonder and hope just because some guy is texting them and flirty that they have a chance. They read into every little thing he says and does and IGNORE all the things he is doing to show he doesn’t want a relationship WITH THEM. Oh he’s busy, or he’s a commitment phobe or he’s emotionally unavailable. No, He’s just not into you!!!
If more men would stand up and say, “He did want a relationship, but just not one with ME. He said “for some reason I just don’t see us together” Personally I think the guy is a class act. I wish more men were like him. If I were you I would thank him for his honesty. Say you appreciate that he didn’t string you along or have sex knowing he didn’t see you as a girlfriend. But that you are looking for a relationship. Then wish him the best saying it was nice meeting him but you see no reason for continued contact when you want to focus on finding Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now. :)
There is absolutely no reason you have to be “friends” with every guy you go out with 3 times. If so I would have collected a lot of friends during my online dating and not have time to text my fiance!! LOL
Sophie
I think you’re all reading into it maybe a bit differently from how it is. I have been rejected before – this one was different. He is a guy who had not for years had an exclusive relationship with anyone. Every woman he rules out as “not suitable” in the first week or two of dating and he is permanently on Tinder or whatever, so I do think it IS actually his problem.
He finds me really attractive physically and wants to talk to me practically every day and flirt with me -so most healthy men would find that the basis for dating someone exclusively to explore it.
Not him though, he is never exclusive with ANYONE and I felt a little bit like instead of owning his own obvious intimacy issues he kind of tried to put the onus on me.
I don’t care if he doesn’t want to date me or is not that into me, I think I care more that he is a delusional jerk. I ended the relationship because I won;t accept breadcrumbs off any jerk guy – but I felt sorta sorry for him before and now I feel like he is projecting his issues with relationships onto finding flaws with me
L
I kinda wanna say that he sorta just wanna have sex with you. That’s about it. Feel sorry for yourself for falling for it. He knows what he is sorta doing :-)
Monica
I think down beneath you like him, at least something about him and the little flerting game hurts you because everytime he texts you, you feel that maybe something else could come etc. So you feel disillusioned on and on…
If you don’t want to be friends and being contacted hurts you, you have to tell him to stop texting you, it doesn’t matter who “wins” by sending the last message.
My situation is a bit weird as I couldn’t stop texting a guy (have stopped now) who has expressed feelings for me and I don’t feel the same; but I really like him and just wanted to keep him in my life. So I’m “your guy”… But this dude got hurt and told me not to text him anymore. Within a few weeks I would like to tell this guy I want to see him face to face (my intentions are to sort of “apologize” and end things peacefully… and then leave him for good, sadly). Would you meet your guy if he asked you to?
kaye
You can’t possibly know if this guy is “emotionally unavailable” after only 3 dates. So he’s gone years without being in a exclusive relationship. You’re not “THE ONE” either. He’s not blaming you for that. He simply said he’s not interested in a relationship with you and now you say he’s putting his intimacy issues on you?
Why do you think he’s a delusional jerk? My fiance has been single for a LONG time after his divorce. He’s a great catch…handsome, tall, fit, financially stable, no debt, hard working, funny, everyone loves being around him, and he’s a southern gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. But most of his relationships only last a few months. And he made work his life. He was always too busy for a relationship. Until I came along work came first. Now he’s actually changed jobs and given up a business he spent 25 years building because it took away from our time together and he wants us to move forward and build a life together. I’m the first woman he’s proposed to, first one he’s changed his life for, and all his friends and family are absolutely shocked.
I agree you shouldn’t accept bread crumbs from a guy. But you only went on 3 dates with him!!! And personally to me it sounds like you are projecting his rejection of you into being about him. You say he’s projecting his relationship issues into finding flaws with you. But you’re projecting him rejecting you into him having relationship issues. I think you just don’t take rejection well. It can’t be about you, it has to be his problem. Why can’t you just realize that you weren’t a fit? It doesn’t have to be “blamed” on someone.
It’s like trying on a dress and it just doesn’t fit you right and isn’t flattering. Do you blame the dress? No, you find another one that fits you better.Nat
I don’t know what’s so great about his behaviour. Surely he did not lie, but he is still stringing you along Sophie, making it a little insulting. Why flirt and tell you all those things? Naturally you’d think he changed his mind and ask him and there he goes tells you NO. Some men feed off turning women down, maybe this is his game. I think he does want his cake and eat it too. He wants attention and ego validation from you especially because you are so pretty probably. If he never had any relationships than he is a weird guy to deal with emotionally so leave him to his tinder affairs. You barely know him, you can tell him you don’t want to continue on these terms and then stop replying. Friendship does not fork like that, it forms gradually from something real, I don’t think you can be friends, so there is nothing to lose here.
Sophie
L – exactly. I think that is all he wants.
Monica – He always wants to see me / meet me – I always say “no”. I am not wasting my time on someone who needs to sleep with more than one woman at once.
Kaye -yes, I do think he is putting his intimacy issues on me. At date one he was crazy about me, saying he could not sleep he was so excited and how it felt different with me to any other girl. At date 2 he was saying he wanted to see other people. Yeah – I think he puts his intimacy issues on me, and on everyone else instead of saying “wow, I cannot form a bond with anyone”. I think the illusion of “the one” is something people hide behind – relationships take work / effort. From day one that probably means. giving your time….attention….and don’t sleep with other people as maybe a good starting point! Kaye your story with your fiance is really sweet, but honestly…a healthy person does not know in 6 or 8 hours of time with a person if they are “the one”. That takes dating, respect, time spent together. This guy wants all the attention and sex off me (and everyone else) but he says he prefers to have sex with different women on alternate weekends. I assure you – he put a LOT of effort into wooing me and then immediately did that to me, so no, I don’t think he is some poetic hero who has just not met the right woman. I think he is an emotionally unavailable fool who pretends he wants a relationship to get women into bed and then does a 180 turn and then tells them there is something about them (often something weird or minor) that means eh does not see a future.
Nat – this is exactly right, he IS stringing me along. We dated, him saying he was looking for love – he dated me for about 14 minutes before announcing he wasn’t comfortable having sex with just one person. I ended it because he was not able to provide a reasonable grounds for respectful dating and sex and he continues talking to me and pestering me for weeks / months going on and on about how hot and beautiful and sexy I am how much he wants me BUT that I am not GF material, which apparently he gleaned from the small amount of time he spent with me.
I am sorry, but what I mean here is that our “relationship” did not end because I was not the right girl for him. The right girl for him (if such a person exists) would also have run screaming for the hills when he announced his need to have sex with more than one person at a time.
So the point is that telling me some flaw about me is the reason we are not in a relationshjip is him putting his weird issues on me
Jen
You make this way too complicated. If you feel this need to end things, then tell him you don’t want the same thing and wish him the best. Then stop talking to him.
Jen
By the way you already lost your dignity by carrying on with a man who straight up said he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Sophie
Jen that is really unfair.
As soon as he said he did not want a relationship I stopped seeing him and have not seen him since. He calls and messages me and all I do is reply. I have not lost any dignity, thank you!!!!
Jen
Yes you did.
Why would you carry on texting with him and then ask us how to end this with dignity? You end it by stop talking to him. You create your own problem and drama.
Sophie
No. I didn’t.
I continued talking to him because I didn’t have any animosity and no reason not to want to talk to him. I talk to practically all my exes.
Nat
Sophie, you are right about that: “The right girl for him (if such a person exists) would also have run screaming for the hills when he announced his need to have sex with more than one person at a time.”
What a weirdo. He really expects a woman to go “wow, that sounds fantastic! I can’t wait for that to happen”? He is an idiot.
I do agree that you should have cut him off MUCH sooner. Pretty much after that statement, which is 14 minutes after you started dating him you said. lol
Don’t be so angry at this jerk, don’t waste your emotions. Learn from that. The lessons here is that when you see a blazing red flag waving right over your head ready to wrap you in it as a blanket – act on it immediately. Next time don’t allow things like that, but for now, let it go from your heart and move on. This guy will have trouble finding a woman and being happy, this will be your revenge. lol
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