What is the best way to handle this with dignity and class?

Jessica, yes.

I had the worst week ever. My really close friend passed away from a heart attack aged 38 a few days ago, I went through Christmas alone missing my fiance who passed a few years ago. I go through my entire life trying to be kind and nice to people and give them the benefit of the doubt and feel empathy for them and I was REALLY nice to this guy.

He pursued me really intently, and he still kind of does that now with the constant messaging and flirting and I told him I am a nice girl and not interested in that and if he had any character at all he would have just gone away instead of messaging me yesterday to announce he did want a relationship, but not with me. It was unbelievable rude and insensitive and yeah -maybe my fault in the end for being too nice and agreeing to keep talking to him, as according to him, no other woman talks to him ever again after dating him!! Maybe they are smarter than me.

Sophie, you are attractive, sexy, have great breasts, let it go. Women on this forum can give you tough love, there is some validity to it. We should NOT entertain guys who are not treating us right. You talked to him a tad too much, so don’t do it next time.

Also, in Europe people jump into bed together quite fast, but 9 times out of 10 it backfires at women. So next time don’t get naked with a guy after only 3 dates and when he tells you something serious that offends you, do not talk to him after that at all, say “seeyya” and “have a good life”. Red flags are always there. do not ignore them. I don’t approve of ghosting and not replying as well, this is uncivilized, but you don’t need to provide explanations, you can just let him know that you are not interested anymore. The tone of his texts was arrogant manipulative. My impression is that he enjoyed the position of power he’s earned for himself by writing you off as a GF and saying he will sleep with other women and yet did not expect you to actually turn him down. He expected you to succumb to his charms and continue to sleep with him regardless because “this is what women do”. Whatever, let him tinder around until he is as old as Clooney.

You wanted to end it with class, I don’t think he’d appreciate it, so don’t bother with him anymore.

It sounds like you are nice not to actually be nice but to get something back. You sound like you are struggling with grief and boundaries. Your lack of boundaries are nothe his fault, they are yours. I am not one of those women who say to be cold until a man earns your warmth, but I also believe that what men say means nothing without action, and if the two are not aligning towards what I want, I wish them well in love and gratitude for the fun and move on!

Jessica -thank you. It was exactly that, the straw that broke the camels back. And I had about 3 years of therapy after my Fiance died, so I am sure I am pretty emotionally healthy inside – just a little angry today about the impact on my life by the various people who are not emotionally healthy.

Nat -yes that is all true. I think I did want to end it with class, and tried to do that before and maybe with some people that is impossible and literally telling them to leave you alone is the only way to go. Pretty sad, but like you say, he will be swiping right with his arthritic fingers long into the future and he can go to H.

Peggy – thanks. I am aware I am more angry than I normally would be due to the timing. But maybe it is just a long, tired exhausted flip out from being pretty sick of these shallow internet dating jerks who only want sex. I am starting to feel like I don’t want to date AT ALL anymore and I am angry at them for making me start to feel jaded by the whole thing.

I’m not really sure what your problem is here? Why are you hurt over this when YOU ASKED him why, and he answered honestly? I would have responded with “thanks for the honesty, good luck player…I’m bowing out”.

This guy is a classic player. He was not only talking to you about some of his exploits with girls, but boobs too, and that would have totally turned me off to the point I would have stopped engaging or responding and let him go. If you are so compelled to formally end something that didn’t even start, then a simple “It was nice knowing you but I’m looking for the real deal, with this I will bid adieu to you” and avoided any further discussion about his sexual depravity.

You for some reason kept entertaining him, while he continued to try to see if he get some sex, and then tried to turn it around but it backfired. If you don’t want to hear the hard cold truth from a self admitted sex crazed man, then don’t ask next time. Hopefully you learned something from this experience and will cut it off before it gets that far next time.

And you are right. Maybe you should not date. Because your reaction is so full on overboard, it doesn’t make sense.

Why you would give your power away to some strange man who you claim you were not into, makes zero sense.

You don’t wait for people to ‘leave you alone’ – you take control of yourself and stop the communication.

Mistake number one is this idea that you should be over accommodating and nice to total strangers you meet online. If that is how you want to proceed, do it at your own risk. Because most men on there only want sex with you. So that is why you date a few times and try to find out what their real agenda is. If you don’t sync up then you move on.

Why would you make a man you barely know, and supposedly don’t even really like, a ‘friend’ you don’t have enough friends? You sound like a people pleaser. And as someone else pointed out lack the ability to set up boundaries.

Sophie-I am sympathetic but you are starting to sound as arrogant and entitled as he does. Again,you are over protesting and can not seem to drop this behavior of his or ignore it. You are claiming how superior you actually are to him and how lucky he would be to be with you-do you pick people you think are beneath you to feel good about yourself and then feel outraged and diminished when they do not act as you expect? Something is wrong-you are way too invested in anger,hurt etc you over this. Some guys are jerks-let it go

Peggy nailed it.

What Sophie is really saying is “I cant believe even the ugly guy didn’t see ME as GF material’

Maybe you need to stop dating men that are ‘beneath you’

No, YOU appear to feel he is a catch. Or you wouldn’t be acting like you lost your best friend.

He is just doing what he does. Doesn’t make him a bad person. Just not the right person for you.

I cant believe you would have such a volatile reaction for a man you barely know. It’s like crying over spilt milk or slapping the waiter because he brought you the wrong meal.

You want to make him feel as bad as you do.

The problem with this strategy is that you can’t. He doesn’t care.

Neither should you.

When a total stranger comes into your life, you don’t treat that person as a good friend or family member until they EARN it. If you choose to do this, than you end up where you are right now looking for ways to MAKE HIM HURT THE WAY YOU DO – when it wont happen.

I know its frustrating, but if you carry on the idea that you can tell people off and make them feel bad, you will keep on getting disappointed. The majority of people with strong self esteems could care less what a stranger says to us. Because we know who we are, and it rolls off our backs.

This is why women on here have told you to just let it go.
There are a lot of people out there that really could care less about what you feel or think.

The most self centered people (who act like they are ‘people persons’) are the ones like you who cant get over yourself and cant believe someone could get away NOT CARING WHAT YOU SAY OR THINK. If you think you are so much better than him, and he doesn’t want you, why do you even care?

Take your power back and stop fretting about trying to get some kind of revenge. He doesn’t care. Does that make him a bad person. IDK?

He barely knows you so I doubt he really cares. He is probably doing this simultaneously with other women he meets online. So you are just one of the ‘numbers’ – he loses you he has others to play with.

You cant make a player feel bad. He isn’t invested in you.

So send him your text that I copied below and be done with it. If that’s what makes you feel better, let it rip and then move on.

” We should actually be able to say “hey you jerk, you chased me telling me you wanted a relationship, then you jerked me around. I walked away but was nice to you and instead of respecting me for that, you keep trying to talk to me about my breasts while insulting my personality two days after my friend died”

I am very sorry about your friend, Sophie, I missed this earlier.

You are stressed and upset and you have reasons to. Don’t pretend to be cool about something if you are not. Why don’t you send him that paragraph about jerking you around? Why are you trying to be classy?

From the description of this man you’ve provided I seriously doubt he is successful with women. He might say he is but do you have proof? I know men do that, they SAY things about their conquests, even those online relationships “gurus”. When you read their material attentively you can deduce that they are giving examples from the same story often and some of them look so stupid that you want to laugh at them, they’d have NO chance with any a woman with any intelligence. lol So I seriously doubt he is sleeping around with different women on alternate week-ends. This maybe his fantasy and he is feeding it to you (and maybe other women he talks to on tinder).

Every time a guy makes it look like he has MANY women at his disposal 99.99% chance that it is BS. Real players work HARD to get women and don’t say stupid things like that. They know that if you tell a woman to her face she is disposable, she will not proceed with you even if you are George Clooney. Players play by the rules to fool NAIVE women but still have to spend time and money on dates, courtship etc. They deceive and lead women on, they don’t tell you straight to your face they are going to dump you after sex or that you are going to be part of his harem. I am not talking about one-night stands from drunken bar encounters. This is not “getting women”, this is taking advantage of silly women who drink too much alcohol.

I can bet any money that there is ONE man out of a thousand that would have several women sleeping with him and doing FWB for more than once or twice while knowing that there is another woman he is also sleeping with regularly (unless they are doing it for money or other favours). How many of you ladies here would agree to be “one of”? Well, this is how other women would react as well so stop being naive and gullible and believe everything men tell you. Some women deal with married men, but this is different, those married men usually invest efforts to seduce them and then lie to them and make them believe they will leave their wives any time soon.

I think what happened is that he knew he was too good for you, that you would drop him shortly and so out of insecurity he tried to put YOU down, to tell you he does not want a relationship with YOU. He wanted to downgrade you. So that he does not feel like a loser, because this is what he is, clearly.

Sophie, do not give him another thought. Do not let this fat balding jerk make you feel bad or angry. But learn your lessons and do not be nice when it is not warranted. Don’t sleep with guy that early. And pick younger better looking guys, they will treat you nicer, because they don’t feel so low about themselves.

And yes, the blame is often on women for some reason. It is good to admit your mistakes but in most cases it is the GUY who is mistreating the woman and not the other way around, so we need to stop playing nice and see the facts for what they are. Pretending and courting someone into a relationship only to do a 180 turn and say yo don’t want a relationship after sex is a nasty punch below the waist, it is an entrapment, a person like that deserves to be punched back and hard. If a woman did that to a guy he’d let her have it.

Sophie dear you should have provided the description of this guy BEFORE all other information, we would not have 3 pages of this discussion then lol

She had a bad day and is posting about it. This is not overreacting, it is a way to let off steam. And those of you who are spending just as much time responding…well I hear the irony police coming round the bend.

Sophie a guy who has only had one reltionship at 47 is no catch. And his comments are rude for a 25 year old but just so unacceptable for a 47 year old. You will do better. Send him a single text along the lines of, “I am sort of tired of talking to and we don’t have goals in common so this will be my last text.” As Nat said never respond to him again. I promise you it will make him crazy.