What is the best way to handle this with dignity and class?

Sophie I was where you are now. I was *done* with dating. I just stopped trying and decided to live my life and let what happens happen. Like you, I didn’t get why the stars never seemed to align for me…I’m a nice person, I’m a good girlfriend, I felt I deserved someone decent to love who loved me back. I cried tons of tears and then realized that if no one loved me then it was up to me to love myself and that was going to have to be good enough.

And then I met my boyfriend and he’s been everything I ever wanted so far. It’s been a month, so it’s too soon for me to the wise experienced woman giving advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I felt the same way and I know what you’re going through.

Several months ago I had a guy who was only five feet tall and had almost zero romantic experience (and he was in his mid forties) dump me for someone else. And even though it goes against every fiber of my being part of what made it smart to so much was “if this unattractive man doesn’t want me, who will?”

Even though rationally I know that what attracts two people doesn’t always make sense, and I Knew it wasn’t the nicest thought to have, but it was part of the lash of rejection.

Even though it’s still early days the man I am with now treats me with more dignity and respect than any man I have ever dated before and I think that is worth holding out for and not settling for anything less. Any guy that doesn’t want to give that to you is a waste of your time. If you’re willing to give one hundred percent than he should be too, or don’t even bother.

You are very welcome Sophie, take time to grieve your friend and don’t give that guy another thought.

hahaha. it seems this is our collective lesson ladies here: go for the hottest smartest most successful guy who maybe way out of your league. Because 1) chances he will mistreat you are much lower, because unlikely he is stuffed with insecurities and low self esteem, 2) if he dumps you, you won’t be terribly upset because you won’t be necessarily counting on him to stick around, and 3) there is a chance things just might work out. Natural selection of the modern age. lol

But regardless of how hot your guy prospect is: 1) do not sleep with him until you get to know him, definitely not within the first 5-6 dates, 2) do not believe all he says, use common sense judgement and evaluate HIM, 3) if you see ONE red flag, act on it immediately, do not allow any disrespect, entrapment, usury or arrogance in a demeaning way towards yourself. No need to be classy, just exit as quickly as you can and don’t entertain any more contact with the “offender”. and above all 4) it is better to be single than deal with jerky men.

^^ what Marie said. Jen is rude and a bully. She comes here to give “advice” but she gets off on demeaning other women who are looking for a friendly ear and perspective. Ridiculing people and calling them names… judging their character and diagnosing them off of one or two posts is ludicrous. Jen, go to the gym, take up kickboxing or something, you clearly have anger to work out and we’re not interested.

Sophie, you sound exhausted. Forget about his man for now and focus on you. You will see things for what they are once you are feeling rested and peaceful. You deserve better than some loser fishing for sex and some woman dishing out insults desguised as “advice”.

I know I was pretty angry today – and reacted pretty strongly. It’s been a rough day. I think I am in the anger stage of grief and projecting it onto this guy because I can’t direct it anywhere else.

My friend had a really hard life. Her Dad died when she was a teenager, then she had a lot of bad luck with bad men who messed her around. She got cancer at age 26 and battled it for 3 years (losing her womb and the chance of children in the process) and then finally found happiness and “Mr Right” when she was 32 and her soulmate. they were totally inseparable and happy together and about a year ago he died in their house, aged 39 of a heart attack for no real reason. She grieved like crazy and went off the rails and never recovered. She died a few days ago almost a year after he did, also aged 39, also in their house. Such a weird and tragic story but I am consumed with anger that her life wasn’t better – that she never for children (she loved kids) or her wedding or the chance to grow old and have a few happy years.

I guess I just got so enraged with this guy partly because he is a foolish idiot and wasted my time, and partly because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The idiot did, as expected, call me tonight – like clockwork, every night. He always calls and messages me.

The funny thing is, because he does this – I actually know Nat is right and he is not actually GETTING all this sex he raves about. I answered the phone and talked to him calmly (I had gotten all the anger out here) and I just felt nothing but sorry for him. He’s getting older, he’s not in the best health, and I think in a lot of ways I am one of his only friends. As loose a friendship as that is, I think he’s never actually had a woman friend before.

In the months I have known him, he has had no nights out with friends, no visitors that I know about, and pretty much every night he talks to me. He has kids in their late teens who are with him 3 nights a week, but in a few years that will stop too. I think he doesn’t even really date that well! He’s never been in love, he’s never let his feelings go, he’s never made love in a swimming pool or really done anything or seemingly lived a life in a fully present way. He uses empty sex as a way to feel alive and I think when he fills women with BS he probably wants to believe it but he hasn’t got the balls to take a chance on love and the vulnerability it would involve. It’s a pretty sad and pathetic existence.

I was able to be just be myself and speak from my heart. I was really calm on the phone and I told him that he is writing the pages of the story of his life, and that he should take more care of the story he makes for himself. He tried to make a joke and said he was writing the sex chapters, but I think he also heard what I was saying and it hit a nerve.

He said I sounded sad and was I okay and stuff and then he asked me if I had regretted being with him, and I said I didn’t regret it, but I would have chosen not to give him a chance if I had known how he would behave. He said he was really sorry I felt that way and he sounded a bit like he actually was sorry. I told him that maybe it was time we stopped talking because I didn’t think it was the right thing for me and because he was always unable to stop coming onto me. He said okay, but he also started to say that maybe if we talked as friends and were friends for a while he would / might change his mind and want to commit to a future with me.

I felt really like he totally missed the point. I never wanted him to commit to a future with me – just to the simple curtosy of not having sex with other people while he was dating me. I didn’t even know at the time if I liked him or not, but I sure wasn’t going to hang around under those parameters.

I think he is just lonely. Avoidance of love. He is the kind of guy who would chase me all over again now I have walked away and out of his life; but then as soon as he got a second chance he would do the same thing all over again. So insecure in himself that he sees more value / achievement in getting notches on his bedpost to prove his attractiveness and worth, than just seeing how much worth there could have been in just being with someone and caring about them.

I could have liked him, regardless of phsyical flaws, but his behavior is just too much for me. I want someone who is loving and open and communicative and all of those things.

So I guess I dealt with it in the best way I know how, which is by being myself. I have always believed when someone acts like a jerk it is usually out of fear / insecurity and that they just project it outwards but today it just got to me. Maybe he won’t hear what I was trying to convey, maybe he will, but I do believe his smug arrogance is a cover for being pretty lonely and insecure deep down.

I guess healthy, happy people don’t avoid getting close to other people. I can’t imagine how lonely his life would be,

Thank you everyone for the listening and the help.

Tallspicy, I really could not agree with you any less.

Most men who tell you they want a relationship mean what they say and act on it. And they should do that. Most men do not feel the need to have sex with everything that moves and they desire a meaningful connection every bit as much as women do. the way you normalise “player” behavior is worrying, worrying for future generations where people start caring so little for the feelings of others that we forget to even judge the basics of right and wrong.

Any man who says he wants a relationship to get you into bed IS a bad person. I am sorry…it’s a kind of emotional rape actually. I have slept with 5 people in the past decade and this is the only one I regret. And I resent that being taken from me.

Why have sex on a second date? Because this guy had put soooo much time into pursuing me and convincing me he really, really liked me that at the time I did it I felt there was absolutely no possibility of him doing this. It does not even make logical sense to do this. If you like a girl that much, even if it IS just sex to you then generally you want to keep having that sex, so the Mr Dissapearo act right after is actually kind of self defeating.

Before the sex, he was open, attentive, communicative, available 24 / 7 and texting or calling me daily. After the sex? It evaporated. And you can say “wait 5 or 6 dates..but he would have done the same thing. It has nothing to do with the sex being bad (he still wants it desperately) or him not finding me to be good company (he still wants to talk to me constantly) or me being wrong for him (no one knows that after 2 dates) but it’s because he’s not prepared to invest in authentic connections.

If he wants to be like that he has every right – but he does not have a right to drag other people into it and hurt people. He has a responsibility to other people to consider the effect of his actions.

When did sex become just like shaking hands? This stuff is supposed to mean something, it is supposed to be important and we have rights to the truth so we can make emotionally healthy choices with the full knowledge of the implications.

Where does the line lie? It is okay to say things you don’t mean in the heat of the moment? Is it okay to tell a girl you love her? Want a relationship with her? Is it okay to lie about your age? Job? Name? Not tell her you are married?

How does honesty have such a low price for you?

I am not saying he is evil, but I am saying that people have a right to expect honesty, transparency, truth and someone who cares about their thoughts, feelings and needs. This is not “just dating” this is in any human interraction.

I date- but I don’t use other people to feed my ego or trample their boundaries or ignore their needs. The choices I make reflect both what I want and what the other person wants. Anything else is wrong

He could be a not so great guy, but your behavior allowed this all to happen, every step. Stop analyzing him and work on your own stuff. Like properly grieving your friend.

Reading the stuff you women write, I’m shocked anyone bothers posting on here at all.

So many of you are genuinely nasty people. I really think you’re projecting your issues onto innocent women. You’re all the ones in need of therapy.

Ya really believe that a man who has sex with you on date two is doing so because it has emotional meaning to him? You really need to learn more about how men think. Sorry you are hurting, but that kind of thinking isn’t going to help your future dating experiences.

You said you were ok if he didn’t really want a future with you, that you didn’t think he could really decide after only two dates if he didn’t think you were a good fit, yet you thought he would get emotionally connected through sex?

This has turned into quite a soap opera.

Don’t like what you’re watching? Change the channel. The more you complain, the more of the same you will get, without fail. Like attracts like.

When people piss you off and push your buttons it is actually YOUR issue. If I told you that you are a fat old whore, would you fly into a rage and insult me back and say how dare you talk to me that way and explain why you are NOT a fat old whore, or would you laugh and walk away and not think twice about it? Either response is just a choice.

OP, keeping up this thread is not helping you feel any better, you seem to be getting angrier and angrier. This is not one bit about this man. It’s all about you. When you see that, you will feel better. Sorry to see you in such pain. But you can stop it in a nanosecond if you get off the victim wagon and stop beating up on yourself so much. So you made a bad decision. It was 3 dates. No one owes you anything and you don’t have a right to expect anything from anyone. If you don’t like what they are doing, you move on. The sooner you get that the easier it will be happy and avoid this sort of thing.

If you want to handle with dignity and class, stop responding to him and just drop this whole thing. Get away from the computer and stop projecting the sadness and pain you are feeling about your friend and yourself on this hapless man who isn’t worth another ounce of your energy or time.

“He said “for some reason I just don’t see us together””
I would have replied that for many reasons I feel he same he does but I usually let time decide if I’m wrong or right. But neither you or him have time to waste so perhaps it’s for the best.
I don’t think you see yourself together with him either. Don’t let a wounded ego affect you more than it should. If you would make you feel better to hurt his ego back act indifferent and agree that he isn’t a catch either or just have fun teasing and then drop it suddenly.
Don’t analyse him or his commitment issues. It’s a waste of time. Take advantage of his blunt reply to move on. Next! should be all you need to say.
If you want to end friendly you can politely say what you feel might be the issue, be honest but be detached and let him know there are his choices to deal with and we all have our own things to work about ourselves.

Consider yourself lucky Sophie.

The guy was made it clear about not wanting a relationship with you on date 3. PERIOD.
From that moment, you should have said “Ok, I had fun with you. I wish you well.” and leave and cut contact. There you have your dignity.

You are so lucky because so many women stay with men who make them believe they could end up being in a relationship, and toy with their emotions. They come and go, but never say out loud that they don’t want a relationship with THEM. They might say “not ready”, “let’s go with the flow”, “I’m too busy” leaving the woman in a confused state.

This is why so many women on here give you though love. They went through this. You are lucky.

Why are you hurt? He doesn’t know who you are. He doesn’t know the real you. How could he say he doesn’t feel it then? You don’t fall in love with every guys, do you?

At 47, he might have commitment issues, maybe he is narcissist, maybe a sociopath, and so on… You’ll never know and it’s not your problem.

I agree that you should do some therapy because of all the losses you went through. It will help you :-)

It is a shame you feel that way, that you won’the take any responsibility and show yourself the victim, unwilling to learn and adjust.

Btw, my guess is this is not a great guy, which is not your fault. But owning your participation is. That means not being nice to get nice back, that means waiting till actions and words match, and most importantly, moving on and saying good riddance without all the drama if someone is not a good fit. Oh yeah, and not making assumptions about what things mean and asking direct questions.

My guess is you will have more similar experiences, but I hope that is not true. Anytime you are out of which with what is, people dig into me me me. Instead you could just free yourself by keeping high standards for you and waiting to ensure that they meet your standards instead.

You still never answered if you actually asked before sex or explained your expectations of sex, my guess is you assumed. If I am wrong, well, then he is is jerk and be glad to be rid of him. If he said, I want a relationship with you now, growing and monogomous, but did not do that, then he is a jerk, and you should still slow your roll.

Check oUT byron katie, she is the master of helping people get out of should and love what it.