What is the best way to handle this with dignity and class?

Sophie, I think it’s hysterical that these women are going on about how you’re too emotionally invested while writing novels to you about what is wrong with you and why everyone is justified in being mean to you. For people who preach not becoming emotionally invested in someone you went on three dates with, they’re awfully invested in a thread on the internet with a total stranger.

Someone said “Mean Girls.” Totally. Like those so-called friends in HS that would degrade and be mean to you and tell you it was for your own good or otherwise you’d be a total dork.

Those girls never really grew up, they just came on here.

Yay! Case solved! Let’s move it on!

Sophie,

I am sorry for what you are going through right now with the death of your friend. I do think it has alot to to do with your reaction to this situation. I think you feel like your friend never had the chance to enjoy her life and be loved and she was somehow “cheated” out of that. And I think deep down you probably feel that way too with the death of your fiance.

But some of the things you are saying here just don’t make sense. And if you are going to successfully date and find the right guy you have got to change your mindset a little. Your response to me earlier “Kaye -yes, I do think he is putting his intimacy issues on me. At date one he was crazy about me, saying he could not sleep he was so excited and how it felt different with me to any other girl. At date 2 he was saying he wanted to see other people.” Did you sleep with him even after he told you he wanted to date over people or did he not say that until after? If you haven’t agreed to be sexually exclusive with a man then DON”T SLEEP WITH HIM!! You want to make him out to be the bad guy and not take any responsibility for your own actions. That’s not a healthy attitude…to play the victim. I am hoping you don’t normally feel this way but the recent events in your life has you feeling down and like life isn’t fair. We all have those moments. In the end we can only control our own actions. You slept with a man who had not agreed to be exclusive with you.

And I agree with your comment to me that “a healthy person does not know in 6 or 8 hours of time with a person if they are “the one”. ” You are absolutely right. But then you can also understand that it is possible to know within that time if they are NOT “the one.” I have had one date with a guy and immediately known he wasn’t the guy for me. And if this guy says you’re too intense for him then why can’t you just take that with a grain of salt and move on from this? You aren’t a victim here. When you meet a guy online who tells you he is looking for a relationship and after the first date he is so excited to have met you he STILL barely knows you. He may want a relationship but he doesn’t know if he wants one WITH YOU. Your anger at this man doesn’t match what happened. I am going to chalk that up to your state of mind with your friend’s death. But you have got to take some ownership in this course of events and you won’t. You readily admit you slept with a man on a second date that is 10 years older, out of shape, balding, arthritic, not funny or interesting to talk to and quite cold. Why in the Hell would you do that? Did you feel sorry for him? It just makes no sense. You do still need to work on yourself before you continue dating. And if you can’t see that then I’m sorry. But the fact you can’t admit you made a mistake and did something stupid and fell for this guy’s lines or whatever but what to put all the blame on him isn’t normal. And you ignored the biggest red flag of all which is a 47 year old who has never been married or in a serious relationship. Wake up or you’re going to keep finding yourself in this mess!!!

Sure Kaye, thank you for the response that was not bitchy and did not twist facts.

Yes I agree you can know someone is NOT the one in 8 hours, but I don’t think you should tell someone you only want casual sex AFTER you sleep with them, I am sorry, I think every person has a right to honest information before sex. And I also think you should not try and sext someone and then insult them unnecessarily when they are going through something painful, that is why I am upset – because he was so rude and uncalled for after he already acted like a jerk when we were dating. I hope you can understand that!

Yes, I agree I DID make a mistake having sex with him when he had not explicitly said we were exclusive and I DID make a mistake dating someone who was 47 with a dating history so poor. Those are actually my mistakes, and you are right, I own those. I was extremely misled though. I am not a crazy person, I now how he acted and what he said and I am extremenly careful to avoid players.

Why did I date him? Well I did not know he was not funny and interesting -I thought perhaps he was quiet. What drew me to him was his education in an area of interest to me, and he was intelligent and thoughtful on issues I cared about. He also lost his sister a few years ago, so he had talked to me in detail about that pain and we bonded over the pain of my fiances passing. So yes, I thought in my mind I had met a genuine person who had genuine intentions. I was definitely not expecting what I got.

This would be hilarious if it weren’t so pathetic.

Yes Kim, you are genuinely disgusting. I’d never dream in a billion years of going on a website and saying the things that you just said to a stranger who was in pain. I think you’re lacking basic human decency and should stay away from public forums because people like you could actually cause a lot of damage.

Jamie…exactly!!!

THIS…

Sophie, I think it’s hysterical that these women are going on about how you’re too emotionally invested while writing novels to you about what is wrong with you and why everyone is justified in being mean to you. For people who preach not becoming emotionally invested in someone you went on three dates with, they’re awfully invested in a thread on the internet with a total stranger.

Kaye just demonstrated REALLY well how it is possible to argue with someone, give a different point of view and HONEST and HELPFUL advice which might be hard to hear but is also meant well, given in the right spirit and has a point.

The majority of the repeated posters on here do not give advice in that way – the majority have been insulting, hurtful, untruthful, twisted facts and words around to suit their own agenda and seem to genuinely hate women!!!!

All they do is bully. they come on here with the sole purpose of trying to make someone feel crapppy. I was actually just criticised for not letting someone have sex with me while he had sex with other people. It is borderline Jerry Springer in here.

Bravo Sophie. You taught us all how to show dignity and respect. Can we end this nightmare thread and let you move on with your grieving?

you will note…I sorted out the situation in question 3 pages ago but for some reason people keep on posting to insult me after the problem was already resolved.

Too much time on their hands maybe.

Ok.. this is turning into a mike thread. Nothing else to really say. The topic is getting old and too many other women on here want help. Have a good day OP.

Pavlov’s dog means he hears the bell go ding and associates it with a trained behavior to the sound…
maybe you should school up instead of beating yourself up over the three date wonder.

This certainly confirms what the guy said about her being too intense! He might be a jerk or not, but he can at least read people.

You DID get something out of this! These bullets are perfect! Xxx

Thank you Helen, and to all who were helpful and supportive or who gave reasonable advice. I have ignored the others, don’t worry. Mainly little kids with a keyboard and no friends probably.

I am not going to post on here anymore now, and won;t use the site again. Sorry a forum like this is abused in this way. I am sure a lot of people come looking for comfort and wisdom walk away feeling worse. But I guess whatever floats people’s boat!