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There’s one ultimate distinction about what triggers a man’s love and desire to commit. I want to talk about that here.
Your time with him is not about making him feel a certain way about you.
Your time with him is about helping him feel a better way about what’s most meaningful in his life.
When you do that, you trigger his feelings of falling in love with you, every time you’re able to do that.
If that’s the center of your mentality towards men and relationships, everything changes.
You look at men differently. You look at dating differently. You look at love differently.
Now when you meet a new man, you’re interested in conversations about what’s most meaningful to him. You’re interested in deeply understanding him, how he really feels, what he really cares about.
Men want you to understand these things about them. In fact, they don’t really consider any kind of relationship potential unless there’s potential for this understanding.
As you listen and learn more, if he has relationship potential, he’ll gradually reveal more. At some point, you’ll start to really see where his edge is that he struggles to go beyond and push through.
He’s not looking for you to solve his problems, but he tremendously values a woman that can help him find his strength, confidence and inspiration when he’s down. Those are the big moments of when a man falls in love with a woman.
Again, though, most women miss all of this because they’re never on the right track in the first place.
It’s not about making him feel a certain way about you. It’s about making him feel better about what’s important to him in his life. Then you get all the love you can imagine (and far beyond it).
If you think about it, this is intelligent design from nature.
Why shouldn’t a man want this if he’s going to exclusively couple with a woman?
It creates a strong bond because each person gives to the other in a way they cannot give to themselves.
Not in a co-dependent way, but in a way that lovingly plays to each partner’s strengths.
“I felt that this advice has the woman doing all the relationship work to make him happy.”
She’s doing work no matter what.
Worrying is work. Disappointment is work. Heartbreak is work. Watching the slow moving trainwreck of him losing interest until he leaves is work.
Or… you could do things that effectively build the relationship…
So he comes towards you, wants more of you, opens himself to you, appreciates you and looks at you with the fires of love burning bright in his eyes.
So really, this isn’t about who’s doing “work”. This is about effectiveness.
Do you want to be effective or not?
“What does she get back from him?”
Love.
“What is he doing to support and build up HER dreams?”
Men and women are different. Believing that relationships should be a perfect mirror of actions is wrongheaded. It’s how women get themselves into the messes that bring them to this site in the first place.
They think, “I GAVE HIM all this love and he didn’t GIVE ME it back!!! He’s supposed to give me back what I gave him! Even if he didn’t ask for it, he still owes me it!”
Relationships are about complementing each other’s nature.
You push his “love buttons”, he’ll push yours. Frankly, he already did or you wouldn’t be there, you wouldn’t care in the first place.
So his reciprocation will be his best attempt to make you feel the kind of love for him that he feels for you. This may or may not come in the form of “supporting and building her dreams”.
If it’s clear to him that doing that is what will make her feel the most love for him, then that’s what he’ll do.
Not out of some obligation to mirror what he received, but to serve her love in the relationship.
Let’s say men love chocolate and women love… cheesecake, I dunno.
She gives him chocolate. He gives her cheesecake.
Why? Because that’s what she loves!
Your argument is essentially, “I give him chocolate, he needs to give me chocolate back or no chocolate for him!”
Again, this is about pushing each others “love buttons”.
In a relationship, you are serving LOVE. Your triggers, desires, tastes, needs, etc. are different. If the goal is to serve love, then each partner will be doing their best to serve what triggers love in the relationship for the partner.
Men and women are different, wouldn’t it make sense that what each person brings would be different?
If it wasn’t different, why would they even want or need the other person? There’s no complementarity there.
This whole “what about me?!” is the stuff petty grievances are made of. How will fuel like that lead to creating an excellent relationship?
Again, this is about what effectively pushes a man’s love buttons. Ignore it at your own peril. But more importantly, why deny yourself what works?
“I could easily see her guy soaking up all the confidence building and understanding she’s giving him and then ultimately walking away from her as not good enough for his newly confident, understood self.”
Interesting visualization.
Let me ask you this… when was your life complete?
You’d say, “It’s not complete… I’m still living it.”
I’d say, “Has it changed?”
“Of course, life is always changing, evolving…”
I’d say, “And yet… you expect that a man should promise forever commitment?”
We create our relationships every day.
We invest in them. The investments are those moments of love. Those stack up credit in a man’s “bank” for you, and men will cut you slack. Build enough love with a man and you’ll fill a role in his life that nobody else can touch. You’ll be like a part of him, a part of his process, a part of his mind, interwoven with his soul.
But that happens in the active process of life. Are you with him, walking the journey together? Are you in there, with his life, with his soul, with his journey?
Or are you standing back, as if outside of it, trying to use tactics to “make him love you” and keep score to make sure you are getting as much as you’re giving.
“After all, she’s acting like a doormat if she’s happy with giving so much on her part and not expecting any giving back on his.”
Where did I say any of that? Again, this is about effectiveness.
Tell me your more effective approach to trigger his love, inspiration and devotion.
“Maybe you didn’t intend it but it came across to me as extremely one-sided.”
It’s absolutely one-sided.
Here are the two sides: Stuff that’s effective and stuff that isn’t.
or
Stuff you have control over and stuff you don’t.
You know what you control? Your actions.
And it’s not much fun when your actions don’t create the kind of results you want. It’s not fun to feel powerless, confused or frustrated.
I’m giving a clear roadmap to trigger his love.
If you know how to trigger his love, that puts you in the position of power, choice and control.
Because if you can trigger his love and he doesn’t measure up to what you want in a partner, you can choose to leave knowing that you can create love with a man who’s a better fit.
When you know you have power, choice and control over your love life, you won’t be afraid to walk away from a relationship that isn’t working.
And if you’re not afraid to walk away, then you won’t put up with a dynamic that doesn’t work for you.
You will be able to have standards because there’s something backing them. Your standards aren’t bluffs or empty threats.
You can be loving, gracious and forgiving in the relationship. You can cut your partner slack. You can warmly and lovingly tell them what you need from them or how something they did doesn’t work for you.
But the most essential element is underneath all of that, which is that you have standards and if he absolutely, willfully will not honor your standards after giving him a clear roadmap of what they are and what you need, then you will leave.
You are not a victim. You are not a prisoner to him. You are not powerless.
You have control over your own action. You have the power to choose.
Choosing wisely is on you.
