Home › Forums › How To Get My Ex Back › What should i try?
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Chri232
Hello, 3 months ago my girlfriend (21) broke up with me (22) after a relationship of almost 3 years. 3 perfect years, we were happy with eachother, didn’t fight (yes some quarrels of 15 minutes but always talked it out quickly). We had a lot in common, had some same interests but also the necessary differences. Now we broke up because her feelings were less after a difficult period where she started losing friends, much stress for university + from mid may till mid august we didn’t see each other physically because of finals, holiday with our own family and a covid infection.
She really became a bit isolated, she started losing friends because she always chose me above them. In march my girlfriend had the idea to all (me and her friends) go on a trip in summer. But then in May her friends booked a trip without us. Her “best friend” did it conscious (she told her afterwards) because: “You will go on holiday with your boyfriend anyway and you will prefer a holiday with him more to a holiday with us. So yeah i didn’t even bother asking you” (pretty toxic because my girlfriend really wanted to go with them and i also told her in march/april that maybe it would be better if i wouldn’t go with her so she will more focus on her friends and to better restore the friendships with them). The other friends “just forgot asking her with them”. (Because yeah they hadn’t very much contact because she didn’t really wanted to meet with them and instead always wanted to be with me). This was a big bomb for her.
For almost 3 years she always wanted to be with me and i really liked that but i could also have lived with less. I also tried to convince her to spend more time with friends but she said she prefers spending time with me, which was fun and good for me.
She also told at the breakup that nothing was wrong with me or our relationship, she is the one having troubles. She wanted to stay friends. One day i went to her and we talked about everything very open for 2 hours. She also cried for like an hour because she just didn’t know it anymore and also all the stress for uni. But she said that at this moment it was better to not have relationship with me and she also asked me to not wait for her because she doesn’t want to keep me at a string. At this 2 hours i really felt our connection, I felt that we still had sparkles so couple days i asked her if what i thought was right. First i wanted to meet physically which she agreed but then she changed her mind and asked me to text it (probably out of fear for her own emotions and feelings?) and then she texted me she has no feelings anymore for me. (what follows is what i think, because she couldn’t give me more explanation than that her feelings were less and that she started to doubt): Because of this big bomb (and also being seperated of me for 12 weeks because of finals and holiday with family and covid infection) she started doubting herself, she started doubting her life and ultimately also our relationship. I guess she started to understand that she needed to shift in life to get her good friendships back and i guess she started convincing herself that she doesn’t love me anymore.
After our breakup she restored her friendships and i am very happy for her but it is a shame that it costed our relation… Under pressure of her girl friends she also went on Tinder (they made an account for her), but then she really started using it. It is like she is searching for herself a bit and also wanting to have some talk topics with her friends.
AHHH it is really a stupid situation for me, because i love her with everything I have and I just want her back.
Oh yeah: after she went on Tinder, I asked her to leave me alone for some time. (this Tinder was also literally the week after she cried in my arms for an hour)
Now I started the contact again. I don’t mind if she would start dating others, I know that she will not find something like we had soon again and maybe she needs it for her own development.
We had a really good connection and i want to try and find that back again. I have a lot of love for her and this will not change fast so if i can’t put it in a relationship, i want to try being friends. And if we grow back to each other great, if not so be it. I won’t wait for it and just go on with my life and focus on who and what i like. Also focus on how the vibes are between us and not what she does with other, it is none of my business.
But do you think that there is still a chance for us being together again and should i do some things to make it possible? Or just focus on being with friends and enjoy that and see what comes.
(I did no contact for 4 weeks and she was frustrated. by this. It only pushed her away from me. Now we have a little bit of contact again. It is good contact, nothing bad.)
Ewa
it looks to me that despite the things you say that she liked spending time with you and didn’t want to see her friends etc, she chose them not you. You are both really young and it seems to me that you are a very confident guy, maybe even a bit too confident.
I don’t fully buy your story, I know friends can be jealous, mean etc but I have a feeling that they didn’t like you, whether is because you ‘stole’ her from them or maybe there are certain personality traits they didn’t like about you.
Friends can’t force someone to go on Tinder, is she is using it, it means she wanted to be on there.
What should you try? in my opinion, nothing, leave her alone, stop contacting her. She chose not to be with you, imagine, you tell someone you no longer want to be in a relationship and that person can’t let go. Would you give them another chance or would you just feel sorry for them?
Breaking up with someone is never an easy decision and no one is ever 100% sure, it takes a while for women to come to that conclusion. I have been there done that and the guys I broke up with acted like you and it only put me off and made me think I made the right decision by leaving them.Chri232
“I don’t fully buy your story, I know friends can be jealous, mean etc but I have a feeling that they didn’t like you, whether is because you ‘stole’ her from them or maybe there are certain personality traits they didn’t like about you.”
I understand that you think this but i became friends with them too and now i am still friends with them despite we broke up. They also said to me they don’t quite understand why she broke up with me and that they are also a bit shook about it + also shook that she completely changed her way of interacting with them again. Ofcourse they are happy she is putting the effort in again and i am also happy that this friendships are becoming stronger again. But they also feel very sorry for me because they also told me that they thought we were such a great match and it was the last thing they expected to happen. They also support me without taking sides or anything, i also don’t want that. I would like to keep being friends with them and also my ex. After taking some time apart now I also started to reconnect with her and we will see what it gives. I have a lot of love for her and i don’t really expect anything in return (ofcourse it would be great but if not its good to be friends). They call it unconditional love i think?
In conclusion it was really a shock for everybody, also her parents didn’t see it coming and feel very sorry for me and us because we were so great together.
I think she is trying to find herself a bit better now, she is 21 so yeah it is ofcourse time to explore and develop yourself more. Maybe this is a phase for her, maybe not. I don’t know but i appreciate her for who she is and as she wanted to stay friends and pushed me a bit too hard in the beginning (this is also why i asked her to leave me alone for some time) i really hope we can be friends now. And if in the future we grow back to each other great, if not we still have our friendship.
Maddie
I think you’re underestimating the size of her issue, but it’s important for you to understand that it’s NOT about you at all! And because you’re both young, it’s very normal that you’d be confused and uncertain about what situation you’re dealing with.
It isn’t healthy to lose yourself in a relationship. It is a sign of codependency that she was willing to give up on all her friendships to only spend time with you, and is a sign she does not have healthy boundaries with other people. People like this who aren’t dealing with it within themselves eventually show themselves to be bad long term partners and flake out. So from the standpoint that she needs to get to know herself better, that is true, but I don’t see her doing anything to go about it properly yet. Going right on Tinder after a breakup like this is a distraction so she doesn’t need to focus on getting to know herself better. Doing it because her friends told her to is worse, she just goes along with things other people say and doesn’t know how to make decisions herself. She really does need time alone, but she also needs to take advantage of the time alone to work on these things. Many people take a break from dating, but it’s just a pause where they ignore it for a while, rather than taking advantage of the time alone to figure out who they are, learn better relationship skills or healthy boundaries, connect with themselves, and grow. If someone hits pause without doing any work during that time, nothing changes and all the same problems come back during the return to dating. You can’t do anything about this for her, it’s a very personal and difficult thing she has to want to do and she may not be ready.
I think for now the best thing to do is let her go so you can heal somewhat, don’t track who else she may be dating or even worry about it (it’s likely to be a rebound based on what you described, or she is the type who hates to be alone and can’t be single, doesn’t even matter who the guy is as long as there’s someone there). I’d wait to be friends with her until you really can be on your side and not because you’re hoping it will be something more. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but if you reunite in the near future, the same problems will repeat. I guarantee this, having gotten back together with exes who had similar issues to hers that they didn’t actually ever deal with. So they never ended up working out.
Also, always respect when someone asks you for space. I had an ex who wanted to be friends immediately and I was very upset about the breakup (he dumped me) and I asked for space. He did not respect this and kept contacting me for a couple months until I felt pushed to tell him I needed to block him. I didn’t talk to him for almost a year, though we were able to be friends again after I had enough space… it took much longer after he steamrolled my boundaries, which broke my trust. I wouldn’t have needed a year if he’d let me have some alone time in the first place.
ANM StaffKeymaster@Tallspicy and @everyone — my apologies, those ridiculous voodoo witch doctor scammers got some posts through recently. I think I cleaned them all up now. (Things have been looking good in the forum for weeks, and then wouldn’t you know it, something slips through the moment I was offline due to holiday travel drama. [And thankfully that’s all behind me now!]).
Best wishes, Happy New Year! (And to the OP, I don’t mean to derail your thread – I just happened to address the recent spammers here in this thread.)
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