What to do? Am I on the right track or is it self-deception?

So another pulling back story.

A bit of background: Me and my boyfriend met 15 months ago. After 2 months he claimed me so we are together for 1 year. It’s my first exclusive relationship. I have little experience in serious relationships(I’m almost 30) because I had commitment issues before. Things went smooth with him, we respect and support each other. We are both independent so when it’s not lockdown, we see each other once or twice a week or so. Sometimes we don’t text every day and we are both fine with it. We have a deep connection and compatible in many ways (future, family, kids, views, living habits) Last May we had our first fight. I compared him to other guys then he stopped talking to me. I went through a really tough time (fear of abandonment, depression, insecurities). After a month, we made up but it took me another few weeks to rebuild the connection with him. Since then I felt the dynamics between us had changed, from he chasing me to me afraid of losing him. (Seeking for reassurance and validation)But after that we met each other’s close friends, he told his parents about me very often, we went to a road trip together, we had some small arguments but those brought us closer. We said “I love you” to each other.

Current situation: Starting in November, I felt depressed. At first he was supportive as before. Then in December I picked up arguments with him because 1. he changed our plans last minute(but he did propose an alternative) 2. he was too tired to have sex one day. Everytime he acted like he didn’t wanna argue with me, even ignored me face to face. Then both times I exploded, complaining and crying…And everytime he comforted me eventually but never communicated with about the problem. So we parted ways for Christmas, he went on holidays, right after the new year’s, he suddenly ignored my message for a week but active on social media. I went nuts and spammed him. After a while he told me he was stressed, didn’t want to think about life, Covid, his future, he said he needed some space, but would reply me properly soon. So I waited for a week or so, started to text him a bit, he replied politely but conversation died naturally. I asked him to call me, then he stopped replying again.

I have been adjusting myself and thinking about giving him space for a month, let him de-stress and enjoy his holidays. I also need to work on my self-confidence and insecurities issues. However, it’s very hard and he will be away for 2-3 months maybe.

I know I put too much pressure on this relationship, I stayed in his country after my studies because of him, facing visa issues, job searching frustration, financial difficulties. But after some thoughts, staying here is also what I wanted (just Covid made things harder). And from his side, I understand that before Covid he just decided to have a career change to start his new business, but it didn’t happen due to Covid. Also he had 2 emotional breakdowns in 2020 (anxiety about his career, age, future ). I trust him being faithful to me but sometimes when I saw he liked other girls photos I felt hurt. (Another voice told me our deep connection is strong)

I really love him and I really want this to work out. I know I screwed up a bit but sometimes I wonder if he really cares about me to make me suffer like this.