what to do when he doesn't discuss his past……

I feel like there’s never a clear cut sure fire way to know if there’s issues from their past or not. In my current relationship since he hardly ever directly mentioned past issues, I just took it like he didn’t want to make them issues in our relationship, and he’d keep them separate on his own. Now I see that he obviously could benefit from talking about it. Maybe I’m not the right person to do that with though…but I see that he should talk with somebody.

Sometimes people bring it up too early because there are still issues there that they’re getting over, and that would kind of make me wary about being compared to a previous relationship. It all just depends on 1) the frequency in which exes/past relationship issues are brought up 2) their emotions in regards to the issue 3) their openness to address current issues in your relationship. I don’t think that spewing it all out in the beginning is necessarily a good thing, but maybe that’s just because I’m kind of slow to open up to other people. But not talking about it at all is a bad thing too, because it shows that maybe they are unwilling to reflect on themselves and how they could potentially improve in relationships. That’s just my 2 cents anyway. Hah, it’s funny how it’s so much easier to give perspective to outside situations than your own…

I disagree, I would rather know, but I would ask in a general way, in terms of sharing life experiences. It does help to understand a person, you can also get a good ideal of how this person deals with conflict. You can also detect some red flags early on. For me, if a guy flat out refuses to say anything about his exes – this will be a red flag. Not a big one, but still. Past relationships define us, we learn from them, and the way people talk about them shows what they learned and how they think, whether they see their fault in a breakup at all or not, what they regret and what they appreciated (if anything). I would not pry, but I would ask and listen very attentively and if they don’t want to talk about it, I wold ask why, is there a reason they avoid this topic. Maybe not on the first or second date, but definitely by date 4.

Thanks for making this thread Teri!
I really like your answer Jules, very helpful tips.

Teri

Why is knowing his romantic past such a big deal?

You’re living right now.

Experience with him and he’ll tell you how he treats relationships right now.

Moreover a romantic relationship is just one kind of relationship. How a person treats their peers, family, inferiors, strangers, tells you a *lot* about his maturity and growth. His dating history in contrast may be so filtered through his perspective that you may never get the whole side. Which you’re not entitled to anyway because everyone has a right to some privacy.

Great replies everyone, thanks for chiming in.

@Khadija – your welcome. thanks for following me :)

I am on the fence with this but I see where you’re all coming from. I’ve had both scenarios and still don’t know which is best. My recent ex hubby talked nothing of ex girlfriends or any other emotional aspect of his life. It’s b/c of him that once I began dating this became important to me not necessarily to know the details but as one of you said to know that he’s learned some lessons from his past, that’ he’s ready to move forward in that area or even better that he’s learned what he wants and doesn’t want anymore. I think its imperative that both parties have been thru something that they have grown from. Now that I think about it, in every area of his life since I’ve known him, he repeats the things that get him in trouble (especially financially) as if he just doesn’t give a damn about consequences. Hmmmmm I just realized that writing in here now.

I find that the best dates I’ve been on are the ones where we can relate to one another emotionally. He (my ex hub) had such a callous to him that I don’t think he’d ever been in love or hearbroken. it was sad and I can see as time went on how he just didn’t deal with any emotions on the heart level. His infidility showed me that he had little respect for women altho he claimed he was close to his mother, he went thru women like it was no big deal, even while married. My pain or the pain he caused me he could seem to care less how his ways affected me.

Sorry to rant here, I digress. HELL yes I want to know how you dealt with past relationships. Its extremely important to know that if we’re in one how will you handle conflict, disagreements, upset etc. But yes as its been posted I want to know that you are human and at least had some heartbreak. IMO it makes one less prone to hurt others, when they’ve been hurt. Make sense? or it could be the opposite.

Of course yes he could tell you anything/lies but when it comes down to handling conflict he doesn’t handle the way he told you he does. That’s the true way to find out is to watch and observe. And also there is 3 sides to every story right – his – hers – the truth LOL.

It is now a new red flag to me when he doesn’t discuss it at all, especially after 3months. and even more red flag, he didn’t’ task me.

@Em – its not that I wanted to know about this past as much as what did he learn from it and what did he find out about himself to get him where he is today in that area.

@Jules – great points. how he speaks of those exes are crucial. but not as crucial as how he speaks of his role in or his level of responsibility in the way things went down. not as crucial as how he views her as a person/women/wife nor as crucial as if he compares you to her. that would tell me he’s not quite healed or over her yet, hence not ready to move forward.

for me i wud initiate the first action to him. i will tell an open book about my lovelife and talk slowly and pause for a while so that he could also open his..

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