Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › What to do when you messed up once?
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anon.
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Scananne
Hello, so I am in a situation when I literally don’t know what to do.
I was seeing this guy for two months. He was a little insecure, but everything was going great. After one night with him my emotions got the best of me and I really messed everything up. I wanted him badly and didn’t know where I stand with him, so I started acting all needy, texting non stop, wanting to see him non stop, basically doing everything you can to push a man off. So, of course, he started to pull away. And then I did the worst – basically just told him if you don’t want to be in relationship right now you can go, bye. Not in this exact words, in a calm manner, but the outcome was the same. So he said he can’t right now. I cut him of competely. I know I dug my own grave in a way, I learned my lesson, I know.
Fast forward to november, I saw him at an event, we said hi to each other, asked how you been and thats it. I decided to send him a message the next day. He replied, we talked a bit, I asked if he wants to hang out on the weekend, he said yes. The meeting was really awkward at the beggining, we literally shaked hands because we didn’t know if we should hug or not. But it got better, we went to eat something, for a walk, and he walked me back to my car.
Talked a bit after that, I asked him if he wants to go to an event with me and my friends to another town, said yes, so we were hanging out the whole day etc.
The thing is – I would like to fix everything, but I seriously don’t know what to do, so for now I was treating him just like a friend. I never brought up the topic of what happened and why, just tried to have a good time with him. But what do I do now? I am not even sure if he still likes me. Any help?Jennifer
Arrr I am in a very similar situation! It is not fun. Honestly, I think maybe being honest with him and say something like
“hey, I know things got a little bit weird the last time we saw eachother, I think you are a really cool person that I would like to spend more time with”And then see what he says. But if the man does not want a relationship and you really want that is can easily cause the same problems again.
Tracy
You drew a boundary so why would you apologize for it?
You can apologize for your needy behavior but there is no need to apologize for “wanting more” and walking away from an unfulfilling two month “whatever you want to call it”.
Not sure why you perceive that as digging your own grave.
Because from his statements, that’s how he saw it (i.e. a two month “whatever you want to call it”).
I’m not sure what you mean by “fix everything”. Sounds like you’re on friendly terms now.
Scananne
Well, my friend asked me what would I do if I was in his shoes, and this was so sudden and so explosive than I would say no too, so in this case I don’t blame the guy for saying this.
I don’t want to apologize to him, I don’t even want to bring this up right now. I am just searching for a way to start from the scratch with him, but I don’t know what should I do.
He’s out of town for work now, and he promised he will bring me a postcard and a fridge magnet from the town he is in, because he knows I collect them. And what do I do next?Not crazy
You wanna start from scratch, be your cute and adorable self. Try not to get caught up in the past that’s gonna sabotage it. Do not even bring it up. Treat him like you would a friend and let him lead. Take it one day at a time.
Tracy
“He’s out of town for work now, and he promised he will bring me a postcard and a fridge magnet from the town he is in, because he knows I collect them. And what do I do next?”
You go and live your life.
Scananne
Okay, one last question – he doesn’t initiate much, so should I be the one initiating everything?
anonymous
Wow similar situation here! Ugh I hate that I get needy. Now I’ve pushed him away and don’t know how to fix it.
Scananne
As you can see, nobody knows what to do in that situation :p
Tallspicy
Stop chasing him. He did not commit before and now you are doing all the work. You should never be contacting a man who is not pursuing you at all. Please read that again. He knows where to find you, lose his number until he finds yours. Please.
Lane
Ladies, you are BEARS coming at an unarmed man! Seriously, if you cannot learn how to control your emotions then you are not going to find a good man, period.
Men don’t want to be with a woman who can’t control herself or take “NO” for answer. Men are actually super simple, “what you see is what you get” and if they aren’t willingly (key word) wanting to be with or spend time with you its because they don’t want to!
There is nothing you can do to change a man’s mind if he’s already made it. Chasing men is not the way to their heart, its the direct pathway to no man’s land. You need to learn how to check yourself, not allow your emotions to override common sense and rationality. Learn how to lean back an allow the man to come to you because he WANTS TO—anything less is a waste of time and energy.
Stop demanding “instant relationships.” Men go through an *uncommitted phase* where they are checking you out; watching, listening and observing you in different situations. They also intuitively know women change, are cool/fun to be with in the beginning, then start getting bossy, controlling, needy or possessive and that’s the sure fire way to kill any attraction they may have had for you. The one thing men fear the most in a relationship is losing their autonomy and freedom! If they feel you are going to “possess them” its a surefire way to chase them away.
Scanannr
I don’t want to be rude, but I stated in my first post that I KNOW I did wrong. I know now very well how I behaved and how the mam sees it. And asked about something else. So I really don’t get anything from posts like „You shouldn’t be needy” etc. Please, thats not what I am asking right now.
About „women shouldn’t chase a man” – yes, that’s right. I agree 100%. But when you have a situation when you told him it’s over – why would he chase? He won’t. He might like the girl but he won’t. And that is the situation I am struggling with. I know for a fact that he likes me, but for now it’s just a friendship level. I am trying to fix my mistakes right there and not cause any more damage. That is why I am reaching out to him. I am trying not to overdo it and just gain his trust again. And I am just asking how much and what steps I should make.Khadija
I don’t think there is anything to fix. He told you he doesn’t want a relationship and you walked away.
You know what and since he wasn’t on that level you moved on. Don’t backtrack now.
If you want to be friends so be it but, I doubt he is going bring it up. He wants to avoid that topic because he’s more than likely not interested in a relationship.
Keep dating others and don’t overthink anything about this guy.
Lane
This is the problem, you are still *chasing* when you are trying to come up *with a plan* to try and get a guy re-interested in you.
What have you done to prove you will never act or behave this way again? Have you tested those behaviors? Trying to stuff them down or pretend you have changed is not a long term solution, practicing them with others will ultimately determine if you’ve overcome them or not; whereas they could very well be an integral part of who you are, a natural trait that can’t be altered or fixed and will once again rear its head the moment you are “triggered”.
Problem with your *plan* is you will be constantly walking on eggshells with him, suppressing yourself and unable to be natural. This is not the pathway to a happy, healthy or long-term relationship. A long-term relationship is developed naturally and organically with both parties being their true selves, warts and all, where they fall in love and stay in love because of this; not pretending to be someone you are not just to trap a guy.
anon
The whole don’t “chase a man” is a myth. Some men chase, others do not. If you want certainty, by all means only date men who chase.
That said a lot of men who do not chase also do not like drama. If it was me, ask yourself if this is the man you want. If yes, you may need to take charge. That said, if he made you feel needy and you felt you could not express yourself or safely ask about where you stood, I’d have second thoughts on dating the guy.
Like I did the work with my ex (we lasted 20 years), and I never felt like I “needed” more, because when I asked, he made time for me. I always felt safe asking him to “step up”.
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