Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › what to do when your bf wants to spend time with his friends??
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Veronica.
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Veronica
Ok, so I have been dating my bf for almost 3 months now, things are good and I could sense that he likes me a lot and he says so frequently. We used to hang out a lot and it makes me really happy. Now that our relationship has stabled a bit, he doesn’t spend that much time with me anymore, instead, he spends more time with his friends and that bothers me. I don’t like it and I told him so last week and he just told me he is not ready to just hang with “one person” just yet and he still needs to spend time with his friend and he is not happy that “you don’t want me to spend time with my friends”, I got really angry and we got into a fight because of this, and although we moved past it now and I gave him time and space to hang with his friends, I feel rejected and feel that he doesn’t desire me anymore. For instance, he hangs with me one or two times during weeknights and then usually on Fridays and Sundays night, but he spends Saturday night with his friends and he could go into no contact the whole saturday day and night. And when he is watching basketball (he loves basketball), it seems like he forgets about me 100% and I absolutely hate that. I feel I am being ignored.
How should I deal with this situation to use it as an opportunity to get him closer to me rather than pushing him away? I could give him time with his friends and I know it’s probably healthy, but I would like him to spend more time with me down the road.
m
There are ways to get your needs met, to inspire him to want to spend more time with you and to use this as a way to grow closer.
It’s too big a situation to sum up in one post but there are some wonderful books on the subject. Alison Armstrong, Stan Tatkin, M a t t h e w H u s s e y are great resources. Anything on conscious communication should be helpful.
Good for you for asking this question! :)
Men need time with their friends (and you need time with your friends!!) please don’t make your whole life about your boyfriend. You need time with your friends and doing your own thing, too. When you give your partner space, he will enjoy the time together even more and he will want to spend more time with you. I make sure I let my boyfriend know that I want him to have his space and freedom. Like if he was going to hang out with his friends I might say, “I miss you when you’re gone, but I know how much you need guy time so have fun. Would you please send me a text to tell me you love me while you’re out? That always makes me feel more connected to you.”
Veronica
Thanks, that’s great advice!!
Yes I understand I should give him time and space, but the thing is he used to hang out with me all the time when we first started dating and now he is not like that anymore. I wonder is it normal or is it because he doesn’t desire me that much any more? I feel like I sunk on his priority list and I hate that.
Raven
So reassign YOUR priorities…
Joe
You’ve only been with the guy 3 months and you’re already smothering him! You have 1-2 nights a week and Fri + Sun with him, so he’s not rejecting or ignoring you. He has a right to spend some time with friends and watch basketball, but your nagging him about spending more time with you makes you look like a needy clinging unhappy person and guys don’t like it. Back off and relax OR continue nagging him and you’ll become an ex-girlfriend.
Raven
Let him…?
I experienced this & it was a ‘Bros before hoe’s’ type of deal… :(
Seriously, reassign YOUR priorities…
Hannah
It’s totally normal for you to want to spend a lot of time together, especially at the start when you’re getting to know each other. It’s also totally normal for him to want to pull back a bit after a couple of months and want to do other things. Spending all his time with you is about that initial infatuation stage but that never lasts and it wouldn’t be healthy if it did. You both need a life outside of each other.
Don’t take this personally. He wants to maintain his friendships and it’s important that both of you do that. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care for you. He just wants a healthy, balanced life. When he’s with his friends or watching basketball, he’s focused on that and again it nothing personal if he doesn’t get in touch. Have you heard men don’t multi task the way women do? That’s what’s happening here. He’s focusing on what he’s doing and there’s not much room for him to think of anything else. It’s just how guys operate. They don’t think about their relationship as much as we do.
Don’t nag or push him. It’ll have the opposite effect to the one you want and will push him away. Give him all the time and space he needs.
M
yes, it’s normal. It’s usually best if the woman slows the guy down a bit at first. It’s very common to be full-on and want to see the new love interest all the time, until the novelty wears off. That doesn’t mean he cares less about you, just that men can’t generally maintain that level of attention for too long. If you end up in another relationship down the line, it’s a good idea to keep your interests and schedule so the relationship is paced. Then you build up to spending more and more time together, rather than a lot and then less.
You can ask for more time together but it doesn’t sound like he’s being unreasonable or neglecting you. In my relationship, it works best if I set my schedule for the week and then let him work his schedule around mine. Otherwise, I get no time for myself or to see my friends. We built up to seeing each other more and more and now I can barely get rid of the guy :) Once I started giving him his space and insisting that he have time to see his friends, he wanted to spend more time with me, not less. When a person feels free and not smothered, they are generally more interested in getting close. Hope that helps
M
P.S. This attitude of giving him his space doesn’t usually work if it’s a manipulation tactic. If you truly see the value in having your space and giving him his space (he needs time to recharge, and so do you) then it often works. Do the two of you talk about your relationship, the health of your relationship, plans for the future, etc?
Options2
I think you guys already spent a lot of time together. If you don’t like it , maybe another boyfriend then.
I agree with Joe. I would not want my boyfriend to complaint after 3 or 4 nights a week being together. Please don’t pretend to be fine if you are not.
Livvi
Veronica,
How do you make this better? Get a life dude! You’re spending 4 nights a week together. All you have to do is entertain yourself for 3 nights a week. Seriously?! You can’t do that? 3 nights a week is barely enough time to keep up at home, run errands, and do a girls’ night. Clearly your BF realizes that, and it would serve you well to do the same.
Is your expectation that he spends 7 nights a week with you? That’s practically living together after just 3 months, that’s ridiculous. I live with my BF and we don’t even spend 7 nights a week together. If you keep begging and whining, your BF is going to go out and find someone else who is more independent. Men love independent woman. How can you expect him to view you as the prize if your life revolves entirely around him?
redcurleysue
You need to fill your time. Your BF is the center of the universe to you and they DO NOT want to be the center of a woman’s universe…it suffocates them.
Whatever did you do with your time four months ago? Five months ago?
Get some friends to hang with, get some hobbies, get busy.
Veronica
I know. But I felt like I spoiled him pretty badly now I don’t know how to revise it. So here is an update: my bf called me pretty late last night and asked me how was my day, I told him I just got home from hanging out with my friends and he’s like “you just got home??? It’s already 12!!” He’s got this attitude that he could hang out late but every time I was out late, then it’s not good. Anyway, I remained positive and warm on the phone and he went on like “hey I feel like you don’t like talking or texting me..” note, I didn’t text or call him the entire day but neither did he! And now he’s waiting for me to reach out because it was usually me who did the initiation for the past few months. I don’t know is there any way for me to subtly let him know that I don’t want to be the one who initiates and it should be him instead to do that or at least 50/50?
Thanks!
Veronica
Yes I do have time to do my own things now since that last fight we had. I am keeping myself busy and let him come to me and we only saw each other 2 times last week. Last Tuesday, I texted him if he wants to hang and he said he wants to get dinner I said ok and then he left me hanging there for 50 mins without replying my text as to choose a restaurant to meet (turns out he was watching basketball!!!) So I didn’t wait around and went out with a few friends for drinks , there were male friends but also female ones. He later called me trying to meet but I was pretty busy and didn’t pick up his call right away, after learning that I went out with my “buddies at work” and didn’t wait around for him, he got a bit insecure accusing me “a bit rude to him” and “busy dating other guys” since I was originally supposed to hang out with him but didn’t wait around!
Raven
Tell him that you were watching Basketball…
redcurleysue
LOL Raven….or tell him you were busy with baseball…..lol.
Veronica
I hate basketball because of this now..
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