Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › What to do when your FWB is getting married
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Sally
So I found out that my FWB is engaged. I was seeing him on a pretty regular basis for 3 years. I do feel like I was taken advantage of even though he did tell me he is not my boyfriend just likes me and yes I continued to see him. I just feel very sad like I lost, he won. Guess its just a lesson learned the very hard way but it just is so hard to let go. I have known him for over 10 years and I’m just devastated over this. Has anyone else gone thru this? Really helps to talk or get advice as I just don’t have anyone to chat this over with. Thanks!
Sherri
Why would u feel this? He was an FWB not a bf. U knew he was an FWB. I don’t understand y u would feel like you have been “taken advantage of”? FWB is when people get together to have sex. No commitments, no relationship, no nothing. Sometimes there are rules decided earlier on like if you want to be exclusive sexually (to be safe) but that is usually decided ahead of time. Either one can break off at any time if you want to. Usually I tell girls that if they r getting emotionally involved, then FWB is not for them as you cannot have “feelings” in an FWB.
EL
Sherri you’re taking over my topic and becoming a total pro haha ;)
She is right. You can be upset and hurt, but it’s not his fault. He didn’t take advantage of you. The point of FWB is to physically satisfy you without the emotions. It’s a selfish relationship where you’re number one. Maybe the causal relationship isn’t for you. My vote is to take a deep breath, cry about it, get emotional, do whatever you need to do and then try to move on. I recently went through a thing where i started to develop feelings for a FWB and I cut that off. THe second I realized it. NEVER hang out once you think there might be feelings.
Sally
Yes your right about I should not have expected anything else. He didn’t feel like I did as far as wanting to be in a relationship/gf. The taken advantage part is money which is also a big mistake on my part. Just didn’t quite expect him to actually be going thru with getting married as he was on again off again with this woman he plans to marry. I helped him thru a very hard time in his life so even though he might have had good intentions to try and feel the way I did as I hoped he would. This is just a big lesson learned but not one that I would ever plan to go thru again. Shouldn’t have had let this go on for so long but when ur wanting something its just letting go that very hard.
Sally
Also, I feel very very stupid that I let this happen. Its not easy to make as ass out of yourself over someone who you shouldn’t have. Guess its the oh poor me thing. I can’t help that I had feelings for this man and I had hoped that things would go well for us at some point. Just hurt feelings all the way thru!
Sherri
U should never lend money to any guy u r dating or in an FWB with. Ask him for the money back but not in a way to punish bec he is getting married…
EL – can you check my topic and give me input please :)
talllady
Were you seeing him when you knew he had a girlfriend? If so, shame on you, and bad karma, and secondly shame on him and bad karma. I bet his fiance would freak if she knew he was cheating on her…
EL
talllady i think she said it was on again, off again. So I am guessing that she was there during the “off again” times.
April
Very similar thing happened to me. I’m not proud. Just devestated. I loved that man.
Dauny
Salli, I only just read Sherri’s reply, so far so I’m responding to it. She feels taken advantage of because even though he told her she was just fwb, does not mean she didn’t think he felt more than what he admitted to her. Some guys really do not realize they want you till they lose you. Also, I read quickly, so maybe I missed something, but I don’t think he told her he was interested in anything other than fwb with anybody else. Some people are just content to keep things as they are and don’t want to marry or move in with anybody…period.
Of course it is devastating to lose your source of intimacy and closeness. These relationships can be all good and no bad, that is a lot to lose. He’ll find that out when he’s married and gets bored, which is what happens to guys who use girls for sex while marrying someone else.
Dauny
Salli, this is in response to EL’s answer. There is no such thing as being physically satisfied without emotions. If there are no emotions, it cannot be that satisfying. Anybody who thinks they can do this is either missing out on something, and I think they will be missing out on something in their marriage as well. Mechanical sex, cannot be that good. Was it very good Salli, or were you just attached to him hoping for more? Just curious.
Ivy
1) stop having sex with him and stop seeing him
2) realize that he was not taking advantage of you, he was honest with you and always had a choice to engage with him in FWB or not.
3) don’t enage in FWB’s with men that you want a relationship with
4) don’t waste your time on men that are not commiting to you
5) “like I lost, he won” What did you lose? You lost him, a relationship? It was never your to lose, he was honest and told you a relationship won’t happen. You lost a romantic fantasy, because you did not believe reality that he wasn’t going to commit to you. He won? What did he win? He was honest, he enjoyed your FWB, he pursued another woman for a relationship. I guess he won, cause he was always getting his needs met but in a honest fasion at least, he didn’t mislead you at least. He’s a man, men are good at winning, they go after what they want. So in a sense he won, he won at feeding his immediate need by an FWB, and he won by finding a relationship at the same time. Be more like a man and look after yourself like this guy did.
You deserve a loving committed relationship if that is what you want, why would you put yourself in a scenariou where you are accepting less thaan what you want and deserve and are giving yourself to a man?
You now have to hang in there and try to move on, but really learn from this cause you spent way too long in this FWB hoping it would be more and that’s just too painful for your heart.
Dauny
Salli, Oh boy…on and off again with some other woman that he is now marrying. It will not last. I can just about guarantee that. He’ll be back to start things up with you again, don’t let him! He’ll probably want to f**) from time to time, even when he’s still married.
I understand how you felt. You could not believe he did not feel something for you because you would not be with someone that way that you did not have feelings for. Some guys do take you for granted and play games and then want you back, usually when too late. I understand you probably thought this was one of those cases. You are not stupid, just true to your self. Understand though that not everybody thinks like you. If you never helped him cheat on anybody, knowingly, you did nothing wrong.
Amy S
Hi. Im just wondering why this guy is getting married when hes been playing about with you behind the gfs back. Its not a great start to married life and I doubt if hes that type of guy that hes suddenly going to be a perfect husband to this poor girl. Its always settling or selling yourself short in a fwb scenario imo. Every woman deserves a relationship and not just to be used as a sex play thing. Its a hard lesson to take but I guess the point is if your in a fwb type thing then its got to be in a scenario that you honestly don’t want more from the guy and make sure you don’t develop any feelings. Personally I couldn’t do that as I can only sleep with someone I love or am falling in love with but that’s just me I guess everyone is different. Good luck x
Dauny
Salli,
Response to Ivy. Yes stop seeing him. I disagree he was so honest though. Well, maybe it was a lack of integrity mixed with insensitivity on his part. I had a handiman once who was in love with me, and he would spend hours and hours talking to me and listening to me. He was a great friend, did I tell him I did not feel the same? Yes, but to soften the blow I let him think I had a boyfriend, which I sort of did but not committed. Did I have sex with him, or even touch or make out with him? No. I mean if I wanted to have sex with him, that would mean I liked him as more than a friend.
You feel like you lost because you really thought you had something special with him. We don’t know the whole story. For all we know, he could have been telling you all kinds of sweet stuff, but qualifying with “I am not looking for a girlfriend.” He certainly gave you some hope so he could string you along as his backup. Is this correct? You got attached because that is what women, and even some men, do when intimate. The pattern is set, and will likely not change. Do not let him come in and out of your life as he pleases, as he will likely continue to do with the on off that he is now marrying.
As far as you deserving so much better, of course you do, but as I always say, quoting the movie “Unforgiven,” deservin’s got nothin to do with it (of course he wasn’t talking about what were talking about–he was about to shoot someone who said they did not deserve to die like that)….
Ivy
“I disagree he was so honest though. Well, maybe it was a lack of integrity mixed with insensitivity on his part. ”
He was actually honest, that is a given. She had a choice to engage or not. She is in charge of her own heart. A person doesn’t just their heart over to another and say ok, you tell me you don’t want a relationship but I’ll continue to fall in love with you and hope you don’t mean it. A person guards their own heart, make a bad choice in who you give it to and it’s on the person. That’s called free will. A high price to pay, but one must guard their own heart and when you do that you are more careful on giving it over to a man who expresses he has no interest in commitment.
Dauny
Ivy, maybe if she was chasing him, I would agree. But one assumes that if someone pursues, there is interest. Actions speak louder than words, is what we always hear. Not everybody can control their feelings. You can control the situation you put yourself in though. You should know your own heart, I do agree with that, but that comes from experience. By continuing to see him she could not help but fall in love. Of course she did not offer her heart to him, it wasn’t about offering him anything. Getting attached to him was inevitable, as long as he pursued her and they had sex. Not everybody thinks fwb excludes emotions. Some people want the emotions and the sensation and the intimacy but find it unnecessary to put up with the annoying habits of others by moving in together, which is a passion killing endeavor. Also, limiting the amount of time you spend together keeps the excitement going in a relationship. Some people do not find it these things all that important, and prefer the idea of a particular structure to life and are concerned about the future. Others just want to go with the flow and enjoy life here and now, with all its pleasure and pain, which is where I am at this point. The thing is to make sure the person you are in love with thinks about things the same way you do.
Ivy
If a woman is in love with a man and she wants a relationship but he does not then she has to either chose to end it to safeguard her heart from further pain or continue it and accept that it won’t be a relationship.
And you proved my point in saying the more time you spend together even in FWB the more chance for falling in love, therefore, one can chose not to do that. That is a choice too.
Lola
Oh, you dodged a bullet!!! This guy sounds so immature, so irresponsible, just yuck. I feel terrible for his fiance, you are the lucky one!
As for FWB, I think it works for MOST men, and very few women. It’s fine to get into it for just the physical, and some women can do it. Most need the emotional connection.
Move on!
Dauny
Yeah, but this is not about choices, it is about a broken heart. I probably did say somewhere that spending more time with fwb increases chances for some people to fall in love; but actually, I prefer to stay in love by spending less time with a fwb to keep the passion going, not so I don’t fall in love. I had (for lack of a better word) my fwb ask me if I wanted to see him everyday. I said, no, the reason things are so incredible between us is because we don’t see each other very often; however, I would be temporarily devastated if he up and married somebody or got a committed girlfriend. People have different ideas about things and different expectations, but I think it is wrong to hurt other people. I would not have sex with someone that I only regarded as a friend, first of all. Second, I would not have sex with someone that I knew was in love with me, while I felt nothing. That is just about being a good person, which he is not.
Dauny
he, meaning the guy in Sally’s post
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