Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › What went through his head?
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M.
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Danielle
I started dating this guy, who I had incredible chemistry with. He really invested in getting to know each other and was really sweet.
He left for Christmas to go to his hometown and we’d text pretty much every day. It was then that he told me his plans for this year were to move out of the country. It isn’t my plan for this year and I hardlt know him, but we agreed we’d continued to see each other until he left.
The following days I thought it through and I wasn’t entirely sure if I was really comfortable about having an expiration date. I wanted to continue to get to know him and it got to be a bit much.
I said something about this and 2 days later he said it would be selfish of him to ask me to “date” him until he left and that the longer we saw each other, the harder it would be for him to say goodbye, so it would be best if we were just friends.
This was all via text while he was away. When he came back, I asked if we could meet up and talk, but he refused saying he had said everything he wanted to.
I felt really embarrassed because I had tried a couple times since the breakuo, and although he replied, he was really distant. I know I didn’t give him the space he might have needed, but he never communicated his boundaries or what he expected. I started to think maybe he hadn’t been truthful and just ended things because he wasn’t really into me.
I told him this and blocked him from whatsapp and unfriended him on instagram. I couldn’t be his friend, even if that’s what he really intended. I didn’t want to keep bothering him and texting him to try and make some bond work. It takes two in any relationship and I wasn’t really feeling it from his side.
He then blocked me on instagram. But some time ago I unblocked him, not to message him, but because this situation doesn’t anger or sadden me anymore, and he I noticed by chance he1 unblocked me in return, but hasnt reached out yet.
Does anyone understand his mindset ever since he ended things?
Zoe
Ladies, do not read between the lines. He already TOLD YOU
Raven
Sorry @Danielle, none of that matters…
You’re broken up, he’s moving & sadly doesn’t want to be friends… Please move forward.
Rubi
You guys made the decision and it is very wise of him to stick to it as he knows he is leaving. Even though you feel heartbroken now, it is inevitable as he is leaving anyway or already left.
What would be the point of being just friends with someone you have feelings for? It’s just torture and a reminder of what ifs.
Sometimes it’s about bad timing and when you accept it for what it is you will feel much better.
Maddie
I think you’re giving him too much credit and he’s not thinking very hard about any of it, so there’s nothing to analyze in his behavior now. Especially since he already told you his thoughts: dating with an expiration date was unfair to you both when he had no interest in getting involved long-distance, and then he had nothing else to add. There’s no reason not to believe that. He never said he needed space, he just didn’t act like a friend (or even wait until he was back to discuss the move in person!). It sounds like he has actually been consistent in not wanting a long-distance loose end while also not wanting there to be any hard feelings for him to deal with.
It’s also likely he wasn’t investing as much in early dating as it seemed if he knew he was moving. He liked you and was enjoying getting to know you for sure, but at the beginning, men are often more focused on winning you over and then decide afterwards (often after the honeymoon period has calmed down) how they really feel about where things can go. That’s why you see advice on this site to build a connection but take some time before fully emotionally investing in a new dating situation. It seems to take 2-4 months of consistency in things going well and smoothly plus a guy wanting to make things official before something has enough trust built and more of a foundation to go somewhere. Not to say you should approach new dates with distrust, but you should observe that the guys act in a way to deserve your trust before going all in. It takes experiences such as the one you went through to start to learn this, we all go through it.
I don’t think you’re missing out on much here since there is much more to a good connection and potential partnership than chemistry. As you said, there should be genuine effort and interest on both sides. If there’s not, you’re not missing out on anything. So don’t check on him anymore, don’t give him free headspace he doesn’t deserve (it’s been months), and don’t speak negatively to yourself doubting his interest months ago. You didn’t do anything wrong that caused things to end, and when you’re ready you’ll be able to meet someone new who isn’t moving as long as you this guy in your past where he belongs.
Danielle
Hey @Ruby, thanks for your input. I really appreciate it. I couldn’t be his friend even if I wanted to. I guess I always knew that wasn’t an option for me.
It just sucks the way he handled things… He took the easy way out. I mean, I can understand his life plans, I can even understand if he wasn’t even looking for anything serious, just talk to me like a normal human being and an adult. What angered me was how he pretended to walk away without ever seeing me again, no one last face to face and hiw he said things he didn’t mean (that he wanted me in his life even if we couldn’t be together).Danielle
Hey @Maddie, thank you SO much for your message. I always say: as long as both people are aware the kind of relationship they’re having, that’s fine. If they bith want something serious, great; if they both just want something casual, also great. But he asked me out for the first time knowing what his plans for this year were, and only happens to mention it 3 months in over text…
And he finished it over text as well. When you ve been getting to know someone for a while, I find it disrespectful.
I don’t mind that he’s leaving, I actually get it because it’s my life plan as well. What angered me was he wasn’t capable of saying it to my face, and how he said he really wanted me in his life even if we couldn’t be together because it was clearly a lie…
Unblocking him was my way of letting go. Instagram recommended me as a friend one day and that’s when I noticed he had unblocked me. I get why he blocked me (I did it first), but I never thought he was going to unblock me. Just made me wonder if things could’ve ended better and what he might be thinking. But it doesn’t matter. If he has something to say, he’ll eventually do it.
Like you said, I need time to finish healing. So thanks for your advice! Helps a lotEwa
He ended by text that’s your closure. I wouldn’t add him to Instagram/ keep him blocked, he doesn’t not deserve to even see your photos 😉
Ewa
Doesn’t *
Tammy
He broke off things with you and refused to meet you, before blocking. So whether he blocks or unblocks, or whther you block or unblock, post breakup is irrelevant.
Tallspicy
You never said how long you dated or if it was exclusive. Honestly, if you were never official and dating briefly, your level of ire is out of place.
That said, no one ever breaks up with someone in a way that satisfies the person being broken up with. No one owes you a fair breakup, and closure is never theirs to give, it is yours to find.
I know it hurts when something ends and you think if he did this and that, it would have been better, but it never is because endings such. So consider putting so much meaning to it because you are creating your own suffering..
Lastly, never look at social media activity as having any meaning at all. If it frustrates you, keep him blocked.
M
“That said, no one ever breaks up with someone in a way that satisfies the person being broken up with. No one owes you a fair breakup, and closure is never theirs to give, it is yours to find.”
Tallspicy, wow, I love that! Especially that last line. It should be framed as a quote.
Brilliant. Wish I’d have known this when I was in my 20’s. Would have saved myself a ton on unnecessary pain, humiliation and pure unjustifiable time wasted.
The benefits of hindsight…. 🙄
Anyway, very empowering advice.
Ruby, I hope you find it.
Breaking up sucks for sure. You’ll find your peace, and when you come out of it stronger and smarter and wiser, you’ll realise this unfair dynamic you’re leaving behind, gifted you invaluable wisdom.This guy was just a practice guy.
The next relationship Ruby, will be way more magical, wait and see. You’ll find yourself connecting authentically and deeply with a genuinely beautiful guy that will take the time and effort to get to know you and prioritise his relationship with you, and truly honour and value your presence in his life….Keep believing. That relationship, that way of being exists and you’ll find it…. ✨
M
Oops! I meant Danielle!!!! 🙏
Tallspicy
Btw, men who do jerky breakups are the best! There are several reasons why: Once someone is ending something, you should assume you can never get them back to the table… especially if there were issues in the relationship….
But here is the good news:
A. You get confirmation that indeed, you are better off without them.
B. You have seen how they deal with conflict, which is one of the most important components of a relationship.M
Haha! What a great way to look at it! So true! X 1 million %!!! 🌟✨🌟✨🌟✨
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