Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › What Would YOU Do?
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 9 months, 3 weeks ago by
Tammy.
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Emma
Am I right to feel upset? My partner and I have been together for around a year and a half. He has two daughters in their thirties from a previous marriage, one is married with a child, and the other is getting married soon. I’ve always been supportive of their family time and have never felt jealous when they spend time together without me and have their father-daughter moments.
However, I am frustrated by a noticeable double standard in our relationship. When I mention something as simple as feeling cold, he dismisses me, accusing me of acting like a princess. Yet, if his daughters express the same discomfort, he goes out of his way to ensure they are warm and comfortable. This disparity extends further; when I accidentally upset him, his reactions are harsh and sometimes verbally abusive. In contrast, he avoids any conflict with his daughters, no matter the situation, choosing instead to suppress his feelings, which often results in him taking out his frustration on me. For example, he ignores it when they’re habitually late for everything, but if I’m late for 5 minutes, all hell breaks lose. He values their opinions over mine, even when our advice is identical.
Now, with his married daughter and granddaughter planning a visit next month, he insists we vacate our bedroom for them, despite having two other suitable guest rooms. Although he refers to the house as ‘ours,’ I’ve never felt like my opinion matters, particularly concerning our living arrangements.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. I’m happy to make space for visitors when needed, but I feel our bedroom should remain our private space. This decision was made without consulting me, highlighting a pattern of my views being overlooked. When I brought up whether his daughters would offer us their bedroom under similar circumstances, he admitted they wouldn’t, which reaffirms my preference for staying in a hotel rather than imposing on others. Truth be told, previously, when we were in town, we weren’t even allowed to stay at his other daughter’s place while she was away on vacation.
It seems like he’s always putting their needs above ours, affecting our relationship, and this pattern of prioritising their needs above ours isn’t new. Last Christmas, while visiting his mother, he made us move to a hotel mid-visit to make room for his married daughter. It seems he’s always willing to sacrifice our comfort for theirs, despite them being adults.
I suggested they could use our room when they visit next month, but I’d prefer not to sleep in the guest room and would rather return to my own home. This angered him, and he told me to stay away.
Maddie
It’s one thing to prioritize his daughters, but another thing entirely to take all his negative emotions out on you. That has absolutely nothing to do with his relationships with other people. This isn’t anything to do with a comparison of how he treats you compared to anyone else or if you’re being understanding enough. The better question is, why are you putting up with being verbally abused, what are you gaining from this relationship by staying with someone controlling who doesn’t respect you or your opinions?
Since the subject is what would we do, I’d try to stop making excuses for him, stop seeing this as a problem with his priorities instead of with him, and start making plans to separate. A year and a half isn’t that long, and you don’t need to stay stuck. But I acknowledge moving out is easier said by an outsider reading your post than done.
Raven
Why are you putting up with this BS?!
If you have your own home, you should return there to stay…
Tammy
Agree with the above posters. Why put up wid his behaviour? It seems your in a relatnship whr the man doesnt respect you nor your opnions.. and dsnt even bother whn u feel unwell! I am reading your post independnt of the issues you hv raised as regards his behaviour towrds his daughters vis-a-vis hos behaviour towrds u under similar corcumstances. I am sorry but you need to ontrospect why is it that your still hanging out with him? I can understand giving away his bedroom to his daughters if hes single. But if he has a partner thn he cant do that unless ur ok with it! Besides if there r two empty rooms for them to stay, why uproot u? Pls take time and evaluate his behaviour towards you. And if you feel sad, neglected and unhappy, you need to consider moving on.
Tammy
Sorry for the typos. I am keying from my phone. Pls dont settle for any relatnship where your opinions r not imp and ur not being treated with respect. Just to give you an example. My sistr remarried a guy who has 3 kids. Ofcrse he makes it a point toeet his daughters occasionally and takes them out for lunches n dinners. But the daughter’s never bother. But my sis is ok bec he alwys treats my sis with respect and alwys considers her opinions.
AngieBaby
The way you phrase the question says it all. “Am I wrong…” means you believe you’re wrong. The way this man over accommodates his daughters and their children isn’t healthy and neither is the way he treats you. This is emotional abuse. I suspect you know this, but you’ve been putting up with it for reasons known only to you. You are not an equal partner in this relationship, you are a convenience to him and when you’re not convenient you get sent to the end of the line. Why do you think you are tolerating this? He’s shown you exactly who he is and he’s not going to change. I’m with Maddie, I know it’s easy for us to say, but it’s long past time for you to leave. Make your plan and get out, and I”d recommend counseling to find out why you got into this and stayed in it for 18 months being treated like this.
Emma
Thank you ladies – Maddie ❤️, Raven ❤️, Tammy ❤️ & AngieBaby ❤️, from the bottom of my heart.
Your messages has given me a lot to think about, and I appreciate the push towards acknowledging the truth of my situation. It’s a lot to process, and while the thought of leaving is scary, I know deep down it’s likely the right path. The constant breakups during arguments are particularly hard. It’s as if my value in the relationship is conditional, dependent on how convenient or compliant I am at any given moment. This pattern has left me feeling disposable and insecure, questioning my worth and my role in his life.
Thank you for your support and for helping me see things more clearly. Thank you, thank you, thank you… :(
Tammy
Yes pls do think and evaluate your relationship. Whether your happy with what your getting in this relatnship? Whether your being valued and respected? Whether he cares for you when you unwell? Indulges you at times? Makes you feel wanted and loved? I think he can extend the same warmth and courtesty to you and his daughtrs. Think over and thn hv a talk with him if you feel he will be amenable to hear the misgivings you hv. If you feel he wont, then you hv ur answer dont you?
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