When a man says his head is not on straight

Hi Charlotte.

I know how hard this is, especially when a man does this so early, which is why its imperative women don’t get caught up in the throws and take more time to properly assess a man. I’m the one who slows down the pace because oftentimes its just lust (physical) and until a man stays and continues to act the same way over an extended period of time, e.g., 5 months plus, then I really try to refrain from putting my heart on the line until I’m absolutely sure I trust HIM enough.

I think he needs more time and isn’t over his ex fully yet. Sometimes we THINK we are, but our heart usually takes a lot more time to get there than our head does. The best thing you can do right now is to pull way back, focus on your divorce right now and above-all YOURSELF by rebuilding a happy new life that isn’t reliant on a man’s. Our ego takes a huge hit and needs a lot of time to get through ALL the stages one must go through after their marriage ends. Although you may be over your ex, you still need properly deal with the issues that you contributed (it takes two) and fix those or you’ll just carry them into the next one.

I thinks its best to be fully ALONE (single) for a minimum of a year, preferably two if it was a long or dysfunctional one, before one is truly able to love again in both mind and heart. Give yourself a BREAK—-embrace and enjoy your new found freedom for awhile :-)

Hi Charlotte,

I think you need to listen to what he’s saying to you–that his head isn’t on straight. That means he doesn’t know what he wants and he’s not ready for a relationship. Add to that him backing far, far away, the lack of sex, his family telling you he needs space, and him telling you you’re making things more stressful for him, and I don’t see the possibility of a happy ending for you unless you do exactly what you don’t want to do and walk away.

You say you know he sent his ex an email saying he misses her, but “I know his ex wife and there is no possibility she will go back to him.” Why does that matter? It doesn’t have anything to do with his state of mind or what he’s feeling or going through. You seem to be so intent on the goal–having him–that who he is and what he’s going through have become just an obstacle in your way that you need to get past. This might be happening because you’re so upset, which I get. It’s hard to be treated coldly and pushed away by someone you love.

I understand you’re in pain and how hard this is, and I’m sorry. My advice is to tell him you’ve heard what he said about not having his head on straight, and you can’t be in a relationship with someone who’s not ready because you need someone fully there. Tell him when he feels like his head is on straight again, you’d like to hear from him. Then make a clean break. If you’re right for each other, he WILL come back when he’s ready. But I can guarantee (or almost guarantee) that there will be NO happy ending if you continue on the current path. He’s not ready, and questioning him and trying to get more from him than he’s currently able or willing to give won’t get you what you want.

Also–you say at the beginning of your post that he told you he loved you after two weeks, as if that’s a good thing. I see that as a red flag. I think two weeks is much too soon to say you love someone. I don’t think it’s possible to really know someone after two weeks. I think he wasn’t really ready, but had intense feelings for you and wanted the security of a ‘relationship’ (the kind you have when you’ve been with someone for a really long time), tried to make that happen ‘instantly’ and got in over his head.

Good luck.

Thanks all. He is telling his family he does not want to break up with me. His family keeps telling me, give him time. This is all so confusing! Thanks for your words of wisdom. =)

No contact from him over the last few months. I kept trying to talk to him but he never would answer any text or email. I finally sent him an email and said I couldn’t do this because I needed to move on and I need a man who wanted me without a doubt! Well…last weekend his mom had major surgery and I saw him at the hospital. He was talkative, gave me a hug and actually treated me like old times. Texted a couple of times over the weekend but now has gone cold again! I am having a very difficult time moving on from this man. I can’t stop myself from texting him! I am once again so confused. I have asked him for closure if he doesn’t see us dating in the future but he absolutely will not give it to me. His mom and sister have also told him that if he doesn’t want to date me anymore in the future to tell me. He knows this is hurting me and tells everyone he does not want to hurt me! He won’t give me what I need…closure…He uses every excuse in the book, I’m busy at work, I have a house to take care of, blah blah blah. What does that mean? Why won’t he give me closure if he doesn’t really want to date me in the future? I’ve asked for it many times.

He is showing you through actions that he doesn’t t want to be with you. That should be your closure. Many times you are not going to get it in words, so you make your own closure.

His mom and sis should stay out of his business.. He is a grown man. It seems you visited in hospital hoping this would rekindle and it hasn’t… Let it go. Give yourself closure.

I’m sorry but I agree with Stefanie. You did not use those two months to focus on yourself. Instead, you have backtracked. And his family intervening… Well that’s weird in my opinion. Don’t hang on to any threads thrown your way. What would you tell your best friend if she was constantly pestering someone who clearly did not want her in his life. I’m sorry, but we all speak from experience here.

I know My head tells me I have to move on but My heart is another matter. I have NEVER felt or behaved like this. He told me recently he has never not loved me… What the???? You see, I get mixed signals!

NO Charlotte. There are no mixed signals here. He is not contacting you. That screams everything you need to know. Unfortunately you don’t want to accept it. Sorry to be so blunt. I know this is hard for you. It’s hard because you’re holding on. Let go. You will grieve the loss and then you will feel better.

He didn’t say he didn’t love me! He said he has never NOT loved me meaning there hasn’t been a moment when he didnt love me.

OK… so what are you going to do now Charlotte??

Try to mend a broken heart :(