Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › When do I tell ex-husband about my new partner and introducing kids?
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Lane.
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K.A.
I’ve been divorced 3 years now and have been with my boyfriend for 9 months. Just in this past week, somewhat of an emergency occurred where he had no choice but to seek help from me during a day he had his children. So although it wasn’t his decision for me to meet them, it was sort of forced. They were all at my home and we all hit it off. He told me later that his kids liked me so much and that they couldn’t wait to meet mine.
A couple of days later, he had to come back to my home to handle a few more things. He didn’t have his children, but I had mine. So he met my children for the first time. They got along so well, they hit it off.
I thought since those meetings were sort of forced, that maybe there’s that possibility he wasn’t ready, but then a couple of days later when we both had our kids, he invited us all so the kids can finally meet each other. He made a nice dinner, the kids had so much fun together at the house, then we all went to a local amusement park for a bit.
Based on this, I’m assuming he will now be involved in my kids’ life and his kids will be involved as well. At what point do I need to tell my ex-husband that he will be around the kids? I’d like to mention that we are NOT introducing each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. We have told our kids we are just friends and steer clear from any touching, kissing, hugging in front of them. It’s basically like when I get my girlfriends to bring their kids around mine and we have play dates.
My kids have already come to me and said their dad was interrogating them when they first told him that they met mommy’s friend. He was quite upset, and I know he can’t take any legal action to keep my kids from my new partner unless there is a very good reason. This would just be out of resentment.
Do I need to have a formal conversation with my ex? If so, how do I address it?
Raven
How old the kids?
Amy S
You gave the husband 3 years. He has no right to be upset. Its plenty of time to have moved on. Why on earth would he take legal action anyway ?
K.A.
@Raven, the kids are all elementary age, ranging from 6-10.
Also was it a bad idea that we didn’t tell the kids we are in a relationship? I don’t mind telling my kids, but I was just taking my boyfriend’s lead. He introduced his kids by my name but didn’t mention what we were or how we know each other. I’m sure they assume I’m daddy’s friend. And there wasn’t any touching, kissing, hugging in front of the kids of course. So I went with it, and my kids know him as a friend.
K.A.
@Amy, it’s because the ex is unstable. He is a very angry person and I feel like he might try something just based on anger.
When interrogating the kids, he literally asked them the most bizarre question, like if my boyfriend’s hands and feet were big, did he have a big nose, did he have big muscles and if so, were they bigger than his. All based on looks because he wanted to ensure he looked better I guess.
Newbie
I think your bf did this very elegant. Calling each others friend or bf/gf would both be fine i guess. Once it progresses it will become clear you are a couple. I dont think you need to tell the ex anything. It doesnt even sound you are talking anyway. I think if he was a stable and good father he would have to know who is around his kids, but an unstable jealous one? Its bad he is drilling the kids already about your bf. The kids are probably very uncomfortable with that so i would keep checking that. Your bf seems very collected
Omg
Of, so after 9 months we won’t introduce you or call you girl friend. And you wonder what the kids will think? Even kids get that man is using woman for easy sex.
Raven
Your ex already knows…
What do you think he might try to do?
kaye
My kids also met my boyfriend (who is now my husband) due to an emergency situation. It was sooner than I would have liked but like you close to the one year point. We were already talking marriage and a future together. I let me ex husband know as soon as the kids met him and started hanging around him. I thought it was only right because I would want to know if he had another woman around my children. He was crazy jealous when we were married but there’s nothing he could do once we were divorced. As long as the guy you’re dating isn’t a registered sex offender or ex con there’s nothing he can do to prevent your children being around him. My divorce decree cleary stated neither of us was to have over night guest of the opposite sex when the children were in our custody. I had no issue with this since I was the one who requested it be in the divorce decree!!
Louise
I’m planning on telling my ex prior to the man meeting the child because my ex is passive aggressive and will be a total pain in the arse unless I manage the message.
But you don’t have that option, so I’d drop him a note saying that the children have met him as a friend because you are intending that he becomes a fixture in your life. Full stop, nothing more to say.
K.A.
I appreciate all of your responses and will certainly communicate this to my ex. It all happened quickly so I did not have a chance to think about how to tell him. And given the fact that he is unstable, verbally and emotionally abusive, the type who will do research to find out more about my boyfriend and unexpectedly show up at his front door… I’ve been cautious. If we were dealing with an emotionally mature person, it would be a different story.
Question, as I’ve asked on another forum but got scolded for not telling the kids he’s my boyfriend… Is that really a terrible thing? Reason I ask is because I thought that kids that young- 6 and 8, are more delicate and I’ve read articles online stating it’s best to just ease into it. Act like it’s platonic and just wait a bit until everyone is better acquainted, then later have the conversation. I feel terrible hearing I may have done the wrong thing, but my boyfriend introduced me to his kids by my name, didn’t mention we are together and it’s obvious they believe we are friends. So I took his lead, like I mention we stay clear from one another, no PDA. It was just a very casual, light play date and I didn’t want to just bombard the kids with information that heavy at first. I thought easing into it is best.
Louise
I personally think it’s much better to introduce them as a friend and see how the dynamics unfold before bringing in the questions about whether or not this person is a new parental figure.
I have a friend who got very excited and they introduced their kids to each other within the first month of dating and now 3 months into the relationship they’re having all sorts of issues with kids acting out, jealousy over who is spending what time with which children, etc. It’s made the relationship all so much harder.
I have another friend who did it all ‘properly’- slow introduction etc but then fell pregnant and they all moved in together and her son went from being an only child to one of 5 within a year and he’s had massive adjustment issues.
I think a gentle introduction with increasing frequency of contact is definitely the way to go.
Newbie
Are you saying there are more hostile forums than this one? I mean not in general here but the trolls that show up and want to debunk anything. Maybe they travel around on the internet all day long to spit their venom.
Im not a mom but a few years ago i got involved with a man that had a 10 year old son. It was my suggestion to stick to the friends title since i wasnt sure at that time we would last. And i didnt want the son to get attached too much in case it didnt work out. It didnt work out so i think i did the best thing hereanon
I think in general people just like to judge other people harshly. I’m sure that however you go about it, someone will say you were WRONG and going to scar your kids for life.
As for your ex, make sure you give your new man a heads up that the ex might come knocking, is a jerk. And I’d document any harassment on his behalf, if you say he is emotionally abusive. You can’t really control his reaction. I might even check in with your divorce attorney if you think it could get ugly.
Lane
My kids were much much older when I left my husband (18 and 16) so I didn’t have this issue.
I think you’re handling it right, going slowly so that the kids don’t get too attached until the both of you are fully ready to take that step. I would follow his pace as he appears to have good/healthy boundaries and at some point if it continues to go well he’ll be ready to have that conversations with his first, and then have a conversation with yours.
As for the ex. He has to know you’re going to eventually meet a man and re-marry at some point in time. I understand why he would want to know ‘who’ is hanging out with his children so I believe a phone call and some basic background information such as his job, stability, age of his kids, is in order so he doesn’t have to worry or wonder. I would also let him know you don’t want any trouble and if he causes some you will have your divorce decree modified and stipulate that no parent can talk to the minor children about friends, those they are dating or in a relationship with…. I’m sure you’re divorce attorney already has that script if its not already there…may need to review your decree or consider doing so before your ex ‘goes crazy?’
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