When does pulling away work?

So there is no hope here he will actually step up at the risk of losing me?

Just “pulling away” will only get him to invest enough effort to get you back to the comfortable FWB arrangement he had with you. He will notice you’ve pulled away so you may TEMPORARILY notice him putting in more effort to talk to/see you, but once you’ve gotten back into your normal routine with him, he’ll stop putting in as much effort.

This is because he is happy with the way things are and doesn’t seem motivated to take it further than that. So yes, while you pulling away may have the temporary desired effect you are looking for, it’s not going to make him want to actually be in a relationship with you anymore than he does now.

Instead, a better approach would be to end things altogether, and this is for your sake, not his. If you are wanting a relationship and he is only wanting FWB, you two are on different pages and this won’t work. The only chance you stand of him getting his act together and POSSIBLY (although not likely) wanting to be with you, is if you end this arrangement, go no contact, and work on moving on completely. He will go from having you in his life to suddenly not having you at all, and it will force him to think about things. Either he will miss you enough to want you back and commit to you, or it might make him realize that he doesn’t miss you enough or at all and he will let you go forever.

Please understand though that you shouldn’t be using either one of those tactics to manipulate him into a relationship. Ending the FWB arrangement and going NC is NOT to be used in hopes that he’ll step up; you should only be doing it because you realize you deserve and want better and he’s not giving that to you. IF he comes back wanting to be with you (again, not likely but could be possible) then it is an added bonus, but that’s not the purpose of moving on.

Have you even discussed your feelings with him about wanting to move things forward towards a relationship? Has he said he does not want to be in a relationship, or given any other hints or indications?

How often do you change yourself permanently for a guy?

Great feedback, thank you. There is obviously more depth to this as we’ve known each other for a while but I didn’t want to write a book. He’s pursued me in the past and I’ve never given in until now. And yes…. I fell for it. Or so it feels. I haven’t brought up anything about wanting more as this has back fired in the past. Trying more action based, cool easy going girl this time. But I’m afraid it’s landed me here. I rarely reach out to him…and when enough time passes he reaches out to me and puts on the charm. He’s seen me having fun and with other guys and reacted. He’s definitely shown jealousy which got me thinking maybe there was more to his feelings. I can’t stay but I’m not ready to let go either. I just wish he could see what’s in front of his face. And I know so often, we don’t know what we’ve got until it’s gone.

Being the ‘cool girl’ isn’t going to change his mind. Him acting jealous is meaningless sweetie.

Ever see a dog with a bone? He is by himself and puts the bone off to the side because he isn’t interested in it? Then another dog comes along and looks at the bone. What happens? that first dog goes balistic and starts growling and snaps up the bone.

Moral of the story? Men are like this. They may not really want you, but it will bother him if another man does want you. It’s simply ego – because the man who truly wants you won’t just act jealous… he will claim you as his and make the committment.

The problem is that men (and women) learn pretty quickly if it takes little effort to keep a person around. This is your problem. He has to do very little to keep you interested.

If you really want to figure it out and you have known him all this time, why don’t you just ask what he is looking for? Is he wanting a relationship that is committed?

So from what everyone is saying, is it too late for him to see me as someone of “value”? Or was that never there to begin with?

I guess the picture is pretty clear then.

Jessica,
I disagree with some of this advice. Everyone is different and that means every guy too.

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t play the cool girl or anything like that. I would honestly tell him I had feelings for him and wanted more if he didn’t , cool but I couldn’t offer him more than friendship. Then wish him the best and really move on with your life. No contact or friendship, if he comes around be nice but don’t jump at his attention .. He should be jumping hoops for yours.
Easy way for you as you will know and can move on with your life.

I think the obstacle in her case is that she s thinking if hé spent so much time and energy on pursuing, then it must mean something, otherwise hé would have just moved on to another one, right?! Well, this teaches us, that there is nothing until there is everything.
Also, a red flag for me that im taken from the Shelf like a toy is that hé would rarelly contact her in ‘normal’ times. Frankly, why would you wanna sit around only to be all excited whenever hé decides to get in touch. And also, it is crucial to see the situation for what is, ie not fool yourself with what if’s. You are amazing and you deserve someone’s time and if hé failed to see that, his loss.

I think it’s time to face and make some tough decisions. But why do so many articles talk about pulling away from the guy to get him to snap back? Showing him what he’s losing or lost? WHEN does that actually apply?

Ivy, thank you!!!! That was a bit refreshing to hear. The hard part will be walking away. My head wants to, the heart is struggling. So when you say it has to be for real that’s tough.
When you mentioned his perception of my self esteem that’s where I was referring to my value. Men want to win and keep something of value. So I wonder and fear if it’s too late for him to see me as something of value. Or if my actions have already diminished that.
Not going to lie.. I want him to come back for more. For him to realize he lost something of value and hopefully feel more for me. I know I can’t expect it though. I just wonder, if in walking away (and holding my ground on what I want and deserve), does that make me the strong confident valued woman that men don’t let go of?

Jessica, you asked “when does pulling away actually apply”

It applies to those who are in committed relationship with their BF/GF who have started taking their partner for granted.

Example, my boyfriend of 2 years started taking me for granted about 15 months into the relationship. To make a long story short, I pulled away by moving out of his apartment. He snapped back into it and realized how he was acting and now he’s back to the man I fell inlove with.

However, your situation is different so when you pull away, do it because YOU want to, because YOU want a guy who will cherish you. Don’t do it in hopes of getting this guy to suddenly see the light. It wont work in your favor.