Home › Forums › Texting Advice › When he asks you : what are you looking for ?
- This topic has 11 replies and was last updated 3 years ago by
Dex.
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Cara
Hello just a quick question, i’ve been to numerous datig website and this same old question is always the topic.
What should i say when a guy asks me : what are you searching for on this website ? Or why are you there ?
I feel like if i say i’m looking for something serious that they totally freak out taking it personally like i was saying : i want a serious relationship with you or the first person i agree to see in flesh.
Or if i just say i just wanna meet new people etc its not enough precise and my goal is to bust people who just want sex so how should i say things clearly ? I dont want one night stands and want to find a serious relationship without scaring them off away
L
Cara I think short and simple is best if your responding via email/text. When you meet the guy most likely the question will come up again…then you can go into more detail if needed.
“I am looking for someone I can spend quality time with and hopefully develop into something more serious.”
“I am looking for someone who shares the same passions I do and wants similar things out of life…like a serious relationship.”
I am looking for someone who is honest, caring and is looking for a serious relationship.”
I don’t think these answers would scare a guy away and if it does then you know he wasn’t looking for something serious.
I once had on my profile I was looking to have fun with someone so of course I had to change that!
Khadija
I tell guys this: I’m looking to making a connection that will hopefully turn into something serious.
If a guy gets freaked out by that he’s not someone worth your time anyways.
Maria
You will not scare a good serious guy away if you tell them what you are looking for. Only flakes will flee, which would be a good thing.
Both men and women respect it when a person knows what they want and make conscious efforts at getting it. There is nothing wrong about wanting a serious relationship, this does not mean you are going to jump into it instantly. So it all depends on how you phrase it but it is very important to be direct about what you want. Depending on your age, I would even go as far as to say that if you are not looking for the same things then I’d appreciate it you move along and don’t waste my time (well, say it differently, but this is the essence of things).
Most men do look for serious relationships as well, but in the process many of them don’t mind getting laid here and there, spend a month or three with different women, but women get emotionally involved and waste their time and feelings on such men.
If you screen guys very diligently at the very beginning, very early on, your chances of finding what you want without emotional damage would be much better. You might not go on as many dates, but the dates you’d have would be of higher quality.
Hannah
I agree with Maria. These guys are running because they don’t want serious. That’s a good thing. It saves your time! Never be scared to say what you want.
Ashley
A guy looking for something serious will not get “freaked out” only ones who aren’t which is what you want so you don’t waste your time. I’ve always told guys right off the bat I am looking to get married & they’ve all thought it was great, none have gotten “weirded out” because if they have any sense lol they know it doesn’t mean necessarily with them, next week haha it means just what the question asks: what are you looking for in your romantic life.
Omi G
Most mature men, will be honest with you in what they are looking for too. Everyone is open to looking until someone grabs their attention. That’s what dating is! Some people expect the very next person to settle down though lol that’s what’s freaking the men out these days too. Not saying that’s you but they are out there. This is what I said on my profile when I tried online dating. Something along these lines
“I am open to meeting someone where things can evolve and grow into whatever possibilities that may lead to.”
Then if we ever make it past the first date and we both like each other, and when asked further what I am wanting. I tell them that marriage and children are part of my future wants.
Omi G
Everything what Maria said too.
Janet
Just be honest. I agree with the others. I would often state qualities l was looking for in a man -…lm looking for a man who is a good match for me, emotionally intelligent, masculine yet not overly dominant (bossy!) I also stated l was dating to meet a man who interested me, someone l wanted to get to know more. Inwas looking for a partner in ‘crime’ (always be light hearted and fun!) But ultimately l.was ready for a relationship which was right for me!
I weeded out hundreds – and yes didn’t have many dates – but the ones l did have were excellent, and in less than 2 months l found my current chap – 10 months in all is going well, and one of the qualities he likes most about me is the fact that l know what l want and won’t settle for less.
Put it out there what you want – scaredy cats need not apply!!! LolKristin
Okay to be totally honest, when I start chatting with a guy online and one of his first questions is “what are you looking for?”, this is a huge red flag for me. Almost always this means he is just looking for casual sex. I think if he were really interested in me as a person there would be more interesting icebreaker questions to ask first, rather than trying to immediately hone in on how fast he can get me to sleep with him (which is EXACTLY what “what are you looking for?” is code for) I also get kind of offended that I’m required to label what I want ahead of time without even knowing the guy. I also love love love what Maria wrote. That is the confident and assertive approach.
Joan
I don’t go into details because he might be looking for a blueprint to be exactly what I want to reel me in. Narcissists or abusers do this. Anything about looking to make a connection with the right person and seeing where it goes should suffice
Dex
My two cents-
1st off I don’t like online dating and have only ever dated or talked to folks I met IRL. So maybe these rules don’t apply. BUT-
I actually had a guy ask me this, one who was just very present and persistent and obviously interested, and it was because he was actually interested in the “whole thing”- he wanted a serious 1:1 relationship, wanted a new life partner, definitely wanted to get married etc. how do I know this? Because he literally told me- he had asked me this over text after 2 dates, I think because at that point I knew I didn’t want him and had refused to accept a 3rd date (kept blowing him off), so then he asked. I didn’t respond so he just double-texted and told me what he was looking for. Point being, trying to share a positive story with you that there ARE men out there who want someone to share their life with, which hopefully will be good news to some of y’all out there. Definitely agree with Khadija- bottom line, if a guy “freaks out” over anything you say (seriously), especially early on,
NEXT! Because he sure ain’t worth your time. I can elaborate more on this if you wish with examples, just lmk! good luck and ALWAYS BE OKAY BY YOURSELF FIRST, before you even think about adding a man to your life. If you’re feeling needy you need to stop with the men and instead work on yourself.
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