Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › When to Let Go
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Lane.
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Anisha
I’ve tried several times to ask my boyfriend for better communication. Each time he says he will try harder, and does, for a week, then it’s back to the same ol thing. My question is, is it worth telling them at this point again that I still need that communication or is it easier to just stop the initiating contact and slowly let it go? I feel like telling him a 100th time won’t make a difference. Will the cycle only stop if I end it? What’s the point of staying with me if he’s not interested in my needs?
Elvira
Hi Anisha
How long have you been dating and has this been his style from the beginning? If it is then there isn’t much you can say to make him change that behavior 100%. You may be able to get him to be better at some things by “actions” versus telling. You don’t say exactly what the issues are but for example if you want him to communicate more on a daily basis then you need to show him why that is important to you. I think depending on each of your needs there has to be a middle basis for both to be happy. You just need to find that middle ground. If the issues are more than that and you are at the end of your rope then it may be time to consider a break.Miss_A
It’s hard to say without more information. What’s your definition of better communication? Is it a long-distance relationship? How often do you spend time together? How often do you talk when you aren’t together? It could be that your communication styles are just not compatible.
tammy
i think you need to act a little laid back in initiating communication with him. you guys have formed a pattern wherein you always initiate contact. you need to break that habit and form new ones. will take some effort but can be done. just stop reaching out constantly. let him reach out. in case a day or two or three pass by without any contact just hold urself firm. do not reach out. but if he gets in touch act normal and be cordial. try doing this for some time. think he may get the idea. but if he just doesn’t get in touch for days at a stretch than you know that there was nothing really there in the first place for you to walk away from. try this. either which way you will know where you stand.
Newbie
I have the same question as miss A: whats your definition of communication, and whats exactly lacking from your perspective. And are you only talking about texting or face to face talks?
I think its important to understand that guys are not gf’s. They cant chitchat endlessy about nothing. So if thats what you want, you will have a hard time finding a guy who matches that. Think about this: if someone texts you non stop about topics that are a total bore to you, you would not like to engage right?
If however he dives below the surface on a regular bases and you have no clue what he is up to, i do think its a sign of disinterest and time to move on.
From how you describe your problem i think its more the first option because you state he has to communicate more, no matter what the issue is. I think thats more about you and why you want constant validation he is there to chat. So a middle way where you lower expectations and chat more with gf’s is the answer here. Nagging never helps as you can see. Being more interesting in what you text or not always be available to text are maybe your allies here.Lane
The most important part of ‘dating’ is to determine if you are compatible in majority of the areas that will make for the easiest and happiest relationship because you are both allowed to be WHO YOU ARE. He is not a big communicator, its his personality and if you cannot accept his personality, WHO HE IS, then its YOU who has the problem, not him. There is nothing wrong with him, his communication style simply doesn’t fit yours and if you can’t accept his communication style then the best thing for you to do is end it if it makes you so unhappy.
For instance, I had to adjust to my currently partners style of communication because his was the opposite of my ex-husband’s and mine. My ex husband and I would go a week, occasionally a month or longer (pre cell and internet), without communicating, primarily due to his job (military deployments). Being that I’m someone who desires and needs a lot of space, nor has any desire to engage in mundane chit chat, it was easy for us to establish this communication style that worked for both of us.
My current partner on the other hand NEEDS to talk to me every single day! I almost broke up with him because I initially saw it as him being “too needy.” I then realized its just *who he is*—it’s one of his personality quirks that I needed to decide whether to accept or not accept. Because he was great in so many other areas, I decided it wasn’t a deal breaker, just something *I* would need to adapt to if I wanted our relationship to work. Over time I learned to accept it BUT he has to be the ‘primary initiator’ because he’s the one who needs it. So bottom line, if you require more communication, than he does, then its on you to not only do the bulk of the initiation but come up with things to talk about.
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