Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › when your boyfriend hurts you
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christian
So basically everytime I try to talk to my boyfriend about how he hurt my feelings he automatically gets angry, starts a fight, never acknowledges his part, he acts like my feelings don’t matter. How am I supposed to tell him what he did hurt me without him reacting that way? I feel like I should be able to be open and tell him how I’m feeling without being afriad he’s guna overreact. I don’t try to start arguments but he can’t just apologize for him hurting me even if it was unintentional. I just want him to say I’m sorry for making you feel that way, it wasn’t my intention. Am I crazy? What do I need to do to get him to understand?
Ashley
sometimes guys see too much of that as they “aren’t making you happy” so they get defensive .. also sometimes feel like you are too sensitive and relying on them emotionally too much .. they also see talking about feelings too much as emotional girlie babble which they don’t understand/relate to .. try using actions instead of words .. when you feel a guy is being disrespectful instead of talking about it just don’t be available to them & they’ll figure it out & adjust their disposition accordingly and/or when you say something, speak as a man would so they understand for example instead of “you hurt my feelings” say “you disrespected me”
talllady
I am not sure what he did to hurt you, but your hurt feelings are yours to own…
How do you communicate – you hurt me….or…. do you say – this hurt me
There is a big difference. When you say – you hurt me, it makes a person defensive. When you say – this thing that happened hurt me. I feel sad about it, it is very different.
For example – he does not call:
– Waiting for the phone feels icky. Please send a text next timeFor example – he looks at another girl:
– I feel uncomfortable around someone I am dating looking at other women. It makes me feel turned offRori Raye has really good tools on how to express emotion so he listens
Jen
I was with someone like this. He was overly defensive at the slightest remark and before long I learned that picking a battle was going to get me into an argument and so I let things go a lot.
He never had a temper problem but was always very defensive, did not understand my perspective and perceived himself as the victim. Even when he acknowledged he was wrong about something, it was just to seem as if he was being fair…for instance he would say “I know my part of this and i’m sorry but you……” and the argument would then turn into a blame fest with me taking 90% of the brunt. And this would happen when I spoke of anything, remotely hurtful.I recognize now that it was a bully tactic and it work ed marvelously on me.
We broke up because I could no longer stay in a situation where I didn’t have a voice. Please do yourself a favor and do not stay quiet because he is unable to have a grown up conversation and take true ownership of things.
christian
ok well let me give you the scenario that happened this morning. so he was writing an important document and every time he has to do something like that he sends it to me to proofread. so this morning i asked him if he needed me to read it and he said no and that he had one of his female friends do it for him. i may be overreacting but that hurt my feelings cus i just felt like i was being replaced. so jokingly i responded “dang she just took my job huh lol” and he said “yup lol” and that made me feel worse. so i said ok its really not funny.. and he said ” well you had school and she was nice enough to help”. i understand that to him it was innocent and he didnt intend for me to feel that way but by him always having me approve things makes me feel special and that he values my opinion and i just automatically expected him to ask me cus thats what he always does. even though i had school i still would have taken the time to help and he never seemed to care about that when he needed something before. so anyways he basically told me that i need to relax. i sent him a super long message about how im not trying to fight but he should be accepting of my feelings and just apologize for making me feel that way even though it wasnt my intention. i probably shouldnt have done that cus now he stopped responding to me but all i want is for him to acknowledge my feelings and stop telling me to relax. jus say “im sorry for making you feel that way..that wasn’t my intent” and everything would be great! lol. am i being ridiculous? how do i fix this now?
Sherri
Christian, how old are you? As the above posting is very immature. I actually did not see anything wrong with what he did. In fact I felt he was being considerate as you had class. This is too much drama IMO.
LAgirl
Its really important to pick your battles in a relationship.
Men do not deal with emotions well. You getting all emotional on him and then putting it in text is what pushed him away. If you keep doing this, you will push him away for good.
It sounds like some of this ‘hurt’ is really your own insecurities and not the fact he is intentionally trying to make you feel bad.
Instead of looking at just YOUR needs, look at it this way. He needed a proof, he was thoughtful enough to use someone else because he knew you had school. Does that sound like a man trying to hurt you?
Right now it sounds as if YOU should apologize to him. He didn’t do anything wrong. YOu just took it the wrong way and then made him feel bad for considering your time. You should have thanked him for his concern and then just said, if he needs help again and you are available, as always you are there to help.
Provide other examples if you think you have a case, but my guess is that you take things too personally and are not feeling secure in this relationship.
I would let things cool off the rest of the day, and if you don’t hear from him, give him a CALL – not a text, and let him know you appreciate what he did and that you are sorry you didnt realize he was being kind to you.
christian
ok you guys make a lot of sense. i had a feeling i was overreacting but sometimes you just cant help the way you feel. i do realize that i was being immature. im going to apologize to him later. thanks guys!! :)
Sherri
Christian, you may not be able to help the way you FEEL but you can definitely CONTROL the way you REACT. Yes, you definitely owe him an apology.
talllady
I am going to be very harsh here so you get the point. Similar to the other posters…
In your example, not only are you way out of line, but you are at fault here. That is why I asked for examples.
That was very passive aggressive communication, and that is your fault, not his. You joked and then hoped he would get it it? You joked and then when he responded to the joke, you felt worse? That is 100% you.
He does not owe you an apology, and I am glad you apologize to him because you are the cause of this issue. Not him.
redcurleysue
Hi,
The best way of putting things is “When this happens I feel….” Notice there is no you in this sentence. “You” starts trouble because it is pointing fingers and blaming the other person for your feelings. In any situation one person might feel nothing, another mad, another sad etc. The other person does not create those feelings – we do inside ourselves so we are responsible – not the other person.
Christian
i completely understand what you are saying. I have read a lot of great information on this website and i have been applying it to my relationship. I tend to think with my emotions and it causes us to have problems. I have been trying very hard lately to control them and be more logical and it has helped tremendously. But it is a constant battle!
Christian
I have a really hard time figuring out how to tell him things about how I am feeling without pointing the finger etc. I come from a place of wanting to just fix things and move on so i try to explain everything in detail so he gets it but it just makes it worse. I want to be able to express my feelings (valid ones of course) without him getting angry and pulling away.
talllady
Well, honestly, then you need to learn some new skills.
Passive aggressive communication is not ok
Being jealous is not okI suggest you look up some stuff on conflict resolution…..
Jen
Ok, Christian. My experience was nothing like yours. I think you were being overly sensitive and quite honestly he does not owe you an apology.
When I spoke, I was referring to my BF forgetting our 1 year anniversary. I was sick on the actual day and he said he would reschedule our fancy dinner to the next Friday. Well something came up and we didn’t do that Friday either. When I brought it up to him, he completely became overly defensive and a valid conversation turned into an argument and then my feelings got hurt to which he got even more defensive.
That was the sort of scenario I was thinking of.
As for you, be mindful to speak up when it is appropriate. Good luck!
Laney
Remember that you and your boyfriend don’t share the same brain. You have your perspective of things and he has his own perspective. It seems to me like you automatically want him to know what you are feeling and get pissed off if he doesn’t know. This is a great way to lose a guy. He’s going to get fed up that you nitpick about the stupidest crap-and it sounds like it’s a constant issue. This relationship is on thin ice by the sound of it.
rebecca presler
I have this wonderful boyfriend hes always been great to me until reslently i had to be gone for a month unexpectidly when i came back thins have been different first his kids mom well she has always been rude to me and put me down but now she constantly is doing it he wontvsY anything to her to defend me if i say something to defend my self he jumps to protect. Her and she says now he has to come over to her bouseTo see the kids but it was never a problem before coming to our house I always watch them now I’ll of a sudden she wants him to only be there and I can’t go with him and now she wants him to come over and stay the night oh but its just for the kids but it is not okay for me for my boyfriend to stay the night with his ex girlfriend and their kids in their old home there should be no reason for him to go there we have a they’ve always come here before also she can call him at 10 o’clock at night and be like I need to come over right now and out of diapers and and he’ll go she calls everyday waiting something differen or expect us to just drop what whatever you’re doing and jump for her I feel like I’m second in this relationship she never does anything wrong and is always my fault when I don’t do anything I don’t know how to get him to understand how much it hurts he dont like me talking to any of my ex boyfriends or any guys even my good friends we have been living togetherFor over everytime I try to talk to my boyfriend about how he hurt my feelings he automatically gets angry, starts a fight, never acknowledges his part, he acts like my feelings don’t matter. How am I supposed to tell him what he did hurt me without him reacting that way? I feel like I should be able to be open and tell him how I’m feeling without being afriad he’s guna overreact. I don’t try to start arguments but he can’t just apologize for him hurting me even if it was unintentional. I just want him to say I’m sorry for making you feel that way, it wasn’t my intention. Am I crazy? What do I need to do to get him to understand He was overly defensive at the slightest remarkEven when he acknowledged he waswrong about something, it was just to seem as if he was being fair…for instance he wouldsay “I know my part of this and i’m sorry but you……” and the argument would then turninto a blame fest with me taking 90% of the bruntAnd every little thing I’ve ever done wrong in this relationship even smallest thing is worse than to him than anything he’s done right by lying to me sneaking around and he never acknowledges the things he’s done or or correct them and I have went out of my way above and beyond to prove to him that I don’t lie to him anymore I’m not perfect BUt im willing im This relationship And I have I feel prove myself and i have tried to figure out a way to fix us and corrected my wrong doings i love him so much what do i do this is just a cpl things and i dont have anyone to talk to please help
ilene beede
Okay guys let’s stop bashing her into the ground everybody has said their piece about how she should do what she should do and apologize and this that and the other but we really don’t know the whole story of the whole relationship we don’t know how she’s been treated the whole time so maybe you know there’s something else there yeah she owes you an apology yeah she overreacted but we don’t know what her life was like before so you know sorry that that happened to you sweetheart I hope things get better
jenni smith
the OP was from 18 months ago….
Omoy
Omoy
I’ve been with this guy for one year and six months. Hes my cousin best friend, and we got to know each other through him. Anyway this guy don’t know how to speak to a woman or people over all. He’s a jerk. When we just started it was so strong and we used to pray together. Whether it was over the phone or in person. He was in a job before which he wasn’t happy with and his boss insulted him everyday so he put that on his head . Plain and simple whether he’s going through family drama or work or he can’t start school he me aside . He don’t talk to me until he’s figure out his problems. He says he’s just easy to get tired of people and at first I didn’t know how to give space but I learned . But sometimes out of the blue like right after we had a good conversation today , tomorrow comes and there’s tension between us. Sigh… things we’re so Good , we both saw each other in our future. But since September started he had to be helping his mom with heavy bills which has put a burden on him . He had work from Sunday to Sunday from 9-6/7. And he cannot take risk with his life and come to my neighborhood again. It’s been 2months since we’ve seen each other right and he has a new job now where he gets one day off. How do I deal with him not texting or calling me sometimes? He’s easily annoyed and sometimes I just get angry and want to hurt him. He doesn’t seem scared to loose me again . He got emotionally detach from me because we haven’t seen each other but that’s because of his work. I told him I’m hurt but he’s just focusing on finding somewhere better to live. He had his day off but didn’t try to see me. I think of leaving but our strong bond before just keeps coming back . I’m very disappointed and it’s been 4days were both online but nothing.Christina
I disagree with with almost all the posts.
I would have felt the exact same way and reacted the same way.
I would not have done that to my bf.
She is in the right!Laurax
People need to make their own thread if you have something to bring to the table about your situation as this is someone elses post.
I agree with what you all said but one thing that did stand for me was when you jokingly said to him “oh so she has taken my place huh lol” (or words to the effect) and he replied “yup lol” I think that reply from him was inconsiderate? Anyone else think the same? It’s almost like a game play on words to give her a reaction – he could’ve said “no don’t be silly” ? Anyone else agree?
Anonymous
Useless immature superficial DRAMA.
Get a life.
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