Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Why am I always the “I like you…but…” girl?
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Liz Lemon.
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A
I feel like I’m always second choice for men. I’m the “I like you…but” girl. They have interest in me but can never commit. I’ve been in so many 1, 2, 3 month “relationships” and it seems like they show a lot interest at first, seem to keep the interest for a while then it eventually drops off. I meet most guys on hinge or bumble but have met some of these guys in person or through friends. I do have sex quickly – usually by the 3rd date. I know, I know, I know. I know what you’re thinking. “You’re having sex with them too soon.” But I know a ton of girls who are in a relationship or married who slept with their partner on the first night.
Background: I was in a 10 year relationship (married for 7 of the years). We married young and grew apart. I’ve been dating for 5 years and can’t get into a relationship AT ALL. I used to think it was me and who I was choosing, and some do have commitment issues, but some don’t and end up in a relationship after me.
I feel like I’m a good looking girl, bubbly, honest, have great communication, Libra. I do fall really hard and fast. Sometimes maybe I show too much interest too soon. Usually guys are obsessed with me at first but then slowly drop off after we’ve been dating a while. I have NO problem getting sex. I just have a problem keeping a guy. I usually never make the first move or pursue. I let the man lead and do all or most of the pursuing. I will admit that when he starts to lose interest, I do tend to pursue more to “keep his interest”. I make all men take me on a date. I would never just “go over” to his house.
I am a people pleaser. I’m a RN and I’m trained to help and care for other people first. I’m in my DNA. I love helping people and making them happy. However, I do self care myself – Workout, nails, facials. I love also love alone time. I own my own home, can 100% take care of myself. I don’t need anyone to take care of me but I do desire a partner. I’m 35 years old.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Please help!
Ewa
I was in the same boat. Single for 6 years couldn’t go past the 3 months mark ! Well sometimes wasn’t even 3 months .
I’ll be honest with you and it might sound a bit strange but I have lowered my standards, but not about how they treat me etc but I always went for tall really good looking guys ,someone who had a nice car etc my bf now is short , still good looking though, just a normal guy with a normal job.
Sometimes guys are scared of women who are too independent unless you want a guy who is with you for what you have not who you are .
Unfortunately you will see on this forum that there is nothing wrong with you , it’s the dating culture these days . Social media full of unlimited choices , dating appsMary
Hmmm🤔. Maybe stop having sex so early until you hear the gf word? Be in the moment and have fun. Remember honor yourself and others will honor you, too.
Mary
Also, a girl needs to be selfish, but sweet and fun to get love from a guy.
tammy
I think you have stated the issues in your post itself. you basically get involved with men way too soon, fall in love way tooo soon and sleep with them way too soon.
take your time, go out on dates, get to know them and let things progress slowly. if you just jump into things headlong I think you will get similar results. you should wait, get to know the man first, understand whether both your expectations in terms of a relationship match and then think of having sex. Also making men take you on dates doesn’t quite sound right to me. it should be mutual.
its not always about looks but also what you project. if you come across as someone who just wants to have a good time then men wont take you seriously. in terms of getting sex, most women who are reasonably attractive will find it easy to get casual sex at any age. so that’s irrelevant.
Rubi
Hi A,
What are the reasons that your dates are giving you that they don’t want to continue?
Are they all similar reasons?
Liz Lemon
Tammy has excellent points.
You said “usually guys are obsessed with me at first but then slowly drop off after we’ve been dating awhile”– obsession is never a healthy dynamic. And obsession is not sustainable, nor is it based in reality, so of course they drop off once they get to know you. (I don’t mean that in a negative way– I just mean, obsession is a fantasy! So once real life kicks in and the fantasy is over, they lose interest).
The goal should not be to start off hot and heavy and obsessed. The goal should be to gradually get to know each other, and allow yourselves to fall for each other over time.
I agree with Tammy that it sounds like you get too heavy too fast, and things burn out. See a guy no more than once a week when you start dating. Don’t hop into bed with him right away. I’m not saying you have to wait forever for sex, but if you normally sleep with a guy by date 3, try waiting until date 5 or 6.
The fact that you “know a ton of girls who are in a relationship or married who slept with their partner on the first night” doesn’t change the fact that the vast majority of the time, a guy loses interest in a woman if she sleeps with him right away. He just doesn’t see her as relationship material after that. I have experienced it, my friends have, and it sounds like you have too. If what you’re doing now isn’t working, try something else! Try waiting a bit longer to sleep with the guy and pace yourself, don’t rush into things.
Maddie
Good perspectives so far. I agree that nothing is wrong with you but the speed at which you’re emotionally investing is too quick if you’re looking for a strong relationship with a stable guy.
It sounds like you’re currently putting a lot of the control in the hands of the guys. You let them pursue you at first, which is good… but it sounds like you’re possibly doing it because you think you’re supposed to let them take the lead in order to eventually win them over, rather than because you’re using that time to observe them and if they’re worth investing in. You’re falling hard and fast during their earliest efforts, but men fall in love differently. They are trying to win you over first and only later after they’ve succeeded in winning start thinking about if they actually can see a future with you. At that point, you’re already in too deep, and then you try to pull them back in but they weren’t actually there to begin with.
So that plus what you said about people pleasing can cause some of these mismatch issues. There’s also the possibility that deep down you don’t believe you’re enough just as you are, which leads to feeling like you *must* bring extra to the table or push down your own needs in order to compensate. People pleasing can come out of that belief, which gets tricky in dating, because you may attract entitled men who want all your benefits and extra effort (and sex) instead of men who don’t need anything but like you for you and will want to mutually build that necessary connection and trust and eventually commit.
Speed of sex in that context can have a negative impact too, but not necessarily because it’s causing the guy to lose interest, it’s actually causing a problem for you. It leads to fast-forward false intimacy that can make it easy to believe a connection is stronger than it actually is because you didn’t have the chance to build it yet over time. You also elevate how you see the guy after early sex whether or not he actually deserves it. Which means it can lead to you missing some red flags or over-investing in a guy who is actually incompatible or who never would have deserved your investment or who was later going to realize he never wanted a serious relationship with you no matter what you did.
I also have had bad experiences with guys who started off obsessed with me. It was never about me because they didn’t know me yet. It was all about them, so of course they’d eventually lose interest as I became a “real” person and not a fantasy, as Liz said. Then they were back to facing the need to deal with themselves, everything they were avoiding when distracted by me. So don’t confuse that with healthy interest that can lead to a solid relationship.
You’re asking the right questions to make a positive change, if that’s what you want to do. And, don’t lose hope! There are also a numbers game and luck aspects to dating, especially online.
AngieBaby
Great advice from most people.
I won’t overlap but I’ll add… you may be coming across as too independent.
There’s a happy place between totally independent and needy and it’s called receptive. That’s where you allow others to help and care for you in a healthy way.
“I am a people pleaser. I’m a RN and I’m trained to help and care for other people first. I love helping people and making them happy.” Yeah… all of this can actually repel men, as strange as it may sound. If you’re caring for them and doing for them all the time, it makes them uncomfortable. You start to remind them of their mom, and not in a good way. Guys may adore their moms but don’t want to have sex with them!
“I own my own home, can 100% take care of myself. I don’t need anyone to take care of me but I do desire a partner.” This is also repellent to men. Where do they fit in?? They like to have a job. They like to do things for their women. If you won’t let them, you’re locking them out. And you’re coming across as hard and masculine by saying something like this to man or even just thinking it. If you let them pursue you and then you suddenly show who you really are – a people pleaser – that’s confusing to men. I think it’s Liz who says men like a soft place to land. You are not a soft place. That’s why they don’t stay with you long, in my opinion from what information you’ve supplied.
Getting your approval and validation from others all the time for pleasing them isn’t healthy and isn’t an attractive quality. I’d suggest you need to learn to put yourself first sometimes. Also, food for thought – never allowing anyone to do for you and insisting “I can take care of myself” is actually very controlling behavior. It gives you the upper hand emotionally and sets it up so you are never having to trust or be vulnerable. That’s also not attractive to a man. And doesn’t set up a fair give and take relationship.
Take this for what it’s worth. I very well could be wrong in some or all of this assessment of the situation, but I’m just going on what you’ve said.
Raven
Are you dating the same ‘types’ of guys?
A
Thank you everyone for the great advice!
Raven – Not at all! I switch it up and date all kinds of guys. The last guy I was dating for 2.5 months and ghosted me after I asked him to be in a relationship.
Liz and Maddie – You both give the best advice!
Angie baby – I was laughing over “you remind him of his mom” haha. I will try to be a little less independent and ask future ones for more help.
Rubi – They don’t give me reasons. They either ghost me or say they’re not looking for a relationship after a couple months (when they told me on the first date they they were looking for one). I get 0 feedback which is why it’s so frustrating. Most of the men I date have absolutely horrible communication skills.
I agree with a lot of the comments that I just need to make them hold out for sex. I think this is the biggest issue. I think one of the reasons why I fall so fast is because of sex. I’m “hooked” and attached after sex no matter how bad their behavior is. This is an issue when we’re not even official yet.
Liz Lemon
There’s a very good article on this website about when to have sex with a guy– definitely look for it. Basically, you shouldn’t have sex with a guy until you have an emotional connection. Women bond through sex,as you realize now, but men don’t. Unless a guy feels emotionally bonded to you, sex won’t mean anything to him. You will get attached, but he won’t. And by “bonded” it just means he can be real with you.
I can give an example. I had sex with my bf on date 5, but on dates 3 and 4 we had very personal, deep conversations. (We kissed and made out on those dates, but didn’t have sex). We discussed concerns/fears he had as a parent– things he couldn’t talk about with his guy friends. He was able to open up to me about a lot of stuff that was on his mind that he’d never been able to talk to anyone about. And I’m a parent too, so I was able to have serious heart to heart conversations with him. So by the time we had sex he felt a strong personal, emotional connection with me that he didn’t have with anyone else. I should add, this wasn’t a conscious move on my part, at all (I hadn’t discovered this website yet, lol). But in hindsight I realize it was the best approach to sex while dating.
So as you get to know a guy you’re dating, try to find out what makes him tick. Create a connection with him that’s meaningful. Focus on the emotional bond with the guy, not sexual, because guys don’t bond through sex. If he thinks of you as a fantasy woman, he’ll gladly date and sleep with you for a couple months, but then the fantasy will fade and he’ll lose interest. If you create a real bond that’s not based in fantasy or obsession, there’s a much better chance of creating a serious relationship.
Seriously, look for that article on this site! It’s so eye-opening.
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