Why am I destroying my relationship?

Hi guys, I need some frank advice. I’ll try and keep the background brief .. no promises though!

I’ve been with my boyfriend friend for 6 months. We have a have a history in that we met 2.5 years ago, dated briefly but I was in the early stages of the end of my marriage, he had been dating someone else and we live in different parts of the country. We hit it off but he decided to pursue things with the other woman who lived locally and wasn’t recently separated. It hurt a bit but it made sense and in all honesty i was a mess and it wouldn’t have worked out.

Because we have mutual friends we would see each other still every so often and even hooked up a couple of times but it was always terrible timing and we stayed in contact occasionally as friends with nothing else going on which was fine – I wasn’t harboring thoughts of a relationship like, he was just this guy I had a thing with who i liked the odd catch up with. Then suddenly it changed. We were both single at the same time and it just kind of developed into a relationship in easiest way in April 2020. No stress, no worries about whether he was in to me, it was clear and it progressed. We became a couple in June and things were awesome. But in the UK we have had a lot of lockdowns meaning our relationship hasn’t had much chance to be just us actually dating and doing fun things. When there have been breaks in lockdown we do fun things but since Christmas we’ve been in lockdown and can’t really do much apart from go out for walks and hang out at home. Its really boring. Also beause its long distance its very much all or nothing. We spend a solid week or two together then there is a week or sometimes two where we can’t see each other due to his childcare arrangements and my life stuff too.

The last two weeks he has been at mine and I’ve turned into a horrible horrible irritable person. Everything he does irritates me and these are minor things, ridiculous things like the way he takes up too much room in bed or isn’t great at sharing snacks, breathing too heavy… just petty things. Things I’d never get annoyed with anyone else about. I’ve started being cold and distant. I’m moany to him and whilst thankfully I don’t articulate my thoughts most of the time, there is an inner monologue of irritability. I hate it. I hate how I’m being. I love him. He is great. He is kind, loving, generous, thoughtful… literally a brilliant person who I love so much but there is something wrong with me because I’m just being a horrible bi*ch. I don’t know why. Being together 24/7 is tough for most people i would guess. This is the first serious relationship since I ended my marriage and I had grown quite happy with my single life – this wasn’t a planned relationship that I pushed for it just kind of developed so adjusting to being in a couple is a challenge but i feel it’s more than just lockdown irritability niggles although if we were able to live life normal and not be on each others pockets every day, do our hobbies, see our friends then I think I wouldn’t be feeling so like this. I’m really independent and love my own space but I enjoy having a partner too and losing him would be awful because I love him.

I ended my marriage in part because I didn’t like who I was with my ex as I became an impatient irritable bi*ch – there is lots more to the ending of it then that but the way I was towards my ex towards the end has echos of how I’m being towards my boyfriend now.

I also started thinking of my exex and how I used to get irritable and push him away at times. I’m seeing a pattern. All 3 men have in common the fact that they really loved me, were very affectionate and wanted lots of my time and attention. All things I mentally would want but seem to trigger me to push them away and be cold. Prior to my current boyfriend I had a series of dating experiences with men who were completely emotionally unavailable. It took me a while to see that but now I suppose I’m wondering if I went for EUMs because I can’t deal with real relationships. I’m sabotaging what I have and I can see myself doing it but can’t stop.

I read an article tonight that suggested in part it might be because of my issues with low self esteem and shame. I’m a very successful person on paper but I feel like a failure. My childhood experiences were rough but I’m resilient. I notice when men like me too much I find it uncomfortable- excruciating at times. I don’t know how to take compliments, im not a lovey dovey person but i do feel and show love in my own way. I don’t like losing my independence or being in any way reliant on a man but I do let my bf help and try and step back from being so self sufficient.

Sorry this is long but I just would like others perspectives on what the f*ck is wrong with me? The common factor in my failed long term relationships is me. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to date anyone else. I just want to be with the man I love and not be such an irritable cow. Any advice is welcome :-)