Why am I still upset over someone I didn't even like?

hey hey all, I posted in here a few months ago about a situation of feeling insanely disrespected by a guy I was talking to for the entirety of the summer. (both are 24) Short version since this was also in an old post from August, we had a month in between “dates”, lived 2 hours away from one another yet he kept blowing up my phone and just “talking” at me EVERY DAY instead of a conversation back n forth. He essentially was texting me when he was bored, and breadcrumbed me. I spent the night w him and he didn’t really consider my feelings (outside of sexual ones) for the 24 hours we spent together. I don’t regret sleeping with him as I was really attracted to him, but it was very obvious he was pulling a slow fade situation, a week later after I slept over. I tried to keep it light and fun. We exchanged a few texts back in forth in Sept but days went by between all of them, and he apologized for being in a “funk” mid september. We exchanged a few more texts a week later and I noticed he started following girls on instagram, and left him on read after it was clear the conversation was dry and not going anywhere. A week goes by and on my birthday I get a text from him wishing me a happy bday, which very much surprises me at this point as we haven’t properly talked in like 3 weeks thru sept to beginning of October.

And here I am confused, 5 weeks later as to why he wished me a happy birthday as it was clear he didn’t like me or clearly respect me enough to say “hey we should stop talking”. It put me in an awkward position of saying “thanks”. I think he did it because he felt guilty – he really did NOT need to wish me happy birthday. He probs viewed the situation as casual f buddies, and I stupidly liked him over the time we talked, but his personality was god awful. He projected traits onto me, confused me w other women and negged me. I don’t know what I saw in him – only the fact I wish he could change. He made me cry and question things about myself yet said how attractive I was in bed and any time we sexted. We talked every day and had decent conversations in the small moments which made me have hope. I guess I feel SO DUMB for letting it 1) go on for SO LONG (3 months of my life) and 2) I feel stupid for not standing up my ground to him as he really hurt my feelings and he wasn’t a nice person. I wish I told him off so bad or at least said “This doesn’t really make me feel good when you talk about women like this” (he would objectify them soooo much in front of me or over text).

I have been trying to process why I put up with this for so long and why I am still confused as why he even bothered sending me a happy bday text. It has gotten a bit better but I still am honestly a little upset over the whole situation. I think if we lived closer it STILL would’ve ended up the same but we literally talked EVERY DAY with phone calls and texts June to August. I didn’t make my intentions more clear with him as I was confused and wanted to sleep with him, so that is on me. I take full responsibility but it has really hindered me from trying to date other guys, since I still think about it. I hate admitting I stalk to see who he has followed on instagram (all of them younger girls…some even mormons?) and comparing myself to the other women, and he prided himself on “keeping it clear” and its like we couldn’t even end it SOMEWHAT amicably??

I have been on one date w another guy but I felt no chemistry. It was really dull. I wanted to give it another shot but I am still getting trained in a new job in NYC and trying to move into my apartment and its been one thing after another. I am excited for this new chapter but really sick of my own patterns I have kept going – I look back on my previous flings/relationships and realize I don’t cut things off quicker, and have an insane anxious attachment style once I sorta like someone (even when I know deep down they are not good for me). I have been trying to focus on my job and exercise and feel good about myself but I know there’s a looot of other work that needs to be done. I miss having sex though, and feeling sexy about myself and wanna try dating but its so hard when this is all looming over my silly lil mid 20’s year old head. I haven’t truly hopped back in the dating pool in like two years and this being the first thing post covid has really buggered me down. These are some of the most “fun” parts of my life in my youth and I feel like me being upset over something like this is holding me back w my semi- low self esteem.

Thank you for reading this ramble