Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Why couldn't he just leave me alone when he told me he didn't want relationship?
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 4 years, 7 months ago by
Lane.
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Lucy
Hi guys,
I’m just so pissed off at this guy. For three months I liked him and finally told him how I felt. He told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship. Fine, I tried to move on. We go to college together. Within the 6 months of college before lockdown, he had been stringing me along. I told him if he doesn’t want a relationship with me, just leave me alone. He said that he wants to hang out with me still since he likes spending time with me…I told him there’s no point in hanging out if he doesn’t want a long term with me… then he replied “we can still be friends” but hints he’d like to go on a date with me. which one is it? I hung out with other guys, he got jealous. It’s as if he doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me. I told him to leave me alone while showing interest in me calling me sweetie, honey, and showing up in the college cafe and Student Halls, library to talk to me, etc.
Don’t get me wrong, maybe it’s my fault for letting him string me along but partly, he shouldn’t have been hot and cold with me in the first place. Ideally, I would have liked him to tell me “look, I like you too but I’m not ready yet so it wouldn’t be fair if we keep carrying on and making you think there’s something more.” I would have understood if he said that and I would have understood if he wanted to hang out with me as friends (without being flirty) but the fact he hinted he’d like to date me, that’s what made me upset.
I mean if I was a guy and told a girl I wasn’t ready, I’d leave her alone. He’s been honest he didn’t want a relationship but dishonest in being hot and cold with me. It’s not fair to take advantage of a girl like that. I would never do that to him. Guys who are usually like that, were they not brought up to be gentlemen or something? My brothers are never like that.
Since lockdown, I gave him No Contact and he texted me saying “You’re mad at me now, I understand, I’ll leave you alone”. Since lockdown, I never heard from him again which suits me fine. He should have left me alone when he told me he didn’t want a relationship. Stop telling girls they’re not ready yet telling them they want a date making girls think you’ve changed your mind. I haven’t heard from him since lockdown, now I know where I stand. I just hope I won’t have to see him when lockdown ends. It’s a shame I still have 2 more years seeing him, worse he lives on the top floor of the same campus.
Dyanne
Actually he was honest: he told you he didn’t want a relationship but he likes you and want to hang. With the occasional sex of you’re available. At least that’s what I understand his words to mean. The rest are fantasies you built in your head. Just because he hinted at a date doesn’t mean he changed his mind, it just means he likes your companionship and is hoping for sex. Maybe not even that.
You’re young, use this as a learning opportunity for the next one. And never assume people think or act he way you do, we’re all very very different.Tallspicy
I am going to be harsh here so you get it.. Once he was messing you about for more than a few weeks, this is 100% on you. Not because what he did was ok, but he is not responsible for your happiness. Guess who it is, you are. You let him act this way by Accepting it. You chose not to listen to him, you chose to keep engaging and you kept hoping. Those things are all your actions. If you really were healthy enough to be in a good relationship you would’ve thought what he was doing was gross and you wouldn’t have engaged with him. Stop blaming him and look at yourself. It is totally It relevant what you would have done or not would have done, he did what he did and you do what you do, your inability to listen to him is not his fault. It’s yours.
Now put on your big girl panties and get over it. Life is not fair and some people will treat us poorly, but how long you let that happen in a choice. The lesson is not to let people mess you around and keep engaging with them. You pay attention to the words and actions – which need to match. And a man should be committing to you with an 8 to 12 weeks absolute maximum. If that is not happening you walk away and what they do is irrelevant and you tell them to go away. I’m not going to indulge you in blaming him because from what I can tell you are the cause of this. Not in the sense that you could’ve made him want to you, but in the sense that you didn’t walk away. That’s 100% on you.
Tallspicy
Btw, he was not being dishonest. A man can like you, a man can not even like you very much and still enjoy your presence and company in the moment. It means nothing. The fact that you overinvested instead of letting him lead, observing him to see if he met your standards was all you.
Men say tons of stuff that they mean in the moment. You should assume all men do that and that they will take what you will give (your still engaging him told him you don’t value what you say you value). You want the man who follows up sweet words with actions. I literally don’t listen to men’s words except to see if they promise something and if they don’t follow through, they are out.
Stop blaming him. This is a you problem. You accept less than you want and then you blame them for why you engaged. You are mad because you abandoned yourself. Now stop worrying about him and his actions and focus on you. Why why why is a waste of time.
Lucy
But I tried to avoid him and told him to leave me alone when he chased me. How is that my fault?
Lucy
But I tried to avoid him and told him to leave me alone when he chased me. How is that my fault?
Tallspicy
From what you write, I doubt that your leave me alones were done seriously. Or you would have stopped responding and blocked him. Did you ever not respond? Did you ever say:
Bob, I appreciate you reaching out to me. However it is best that we are no longer in contact for the time being. I ask that you honor my request as we are not on the same page about what we want. I truly wish you the best, and goodbye.
Or was it more like a teenage temper tantrum? Leave me alone! I think you liked the attention and thought he might change.
Do you have boundary issues in other places of your life?
Tallspicy
He did not take advantage of you. Once he told you he did not want what you want, anything else was you willingly letting him do it.
I know that my harshness stings, but you are not a victim.
When he came to talk to you, did you avoid him? Tell him hello and leave the conversation?
If he is as stalkerish as you say, you should have reported him. Is that what really happened?
I am sounding like a victim blamer here, but your story seems like you enjoyed the attention.
Lane
OMG, this is so easy. just tell him to pound sand, then flip him off, when you see him a few times, while you turn your back on him. That’s how you send a clear message to a man, by SHOWING him that you won’t be messed around with. You need to work on your boundaries, they are super weak, and why you’re so easy to mess around with.
You should read “Life Code, New Rules for the Real World” by Dr. you know who, as you are easily manipulated, and something you need to get ‘smart on’ if you don’t want to get steam rolled. You should use your brothers to help you navigate the dating minefield.
Men are good at sniffing guy’s out, and putting them on notice that they won’t allow their sister to me messed around with, could be a valuable tool for you to use as well. I thankfully had a father do this for me, where he could tell me right away “this guy’s a loser” or “he’s a good one” which helped to guide me in how to spot the bad guy’s v. the good guy’s, and avoid the bad ones. Time to start now as you don’t want to get into bad dating habits, such as this, or you’ll attract the losers.
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