Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Why do I keep getting ghosted?
- This topic has 15 replies and was last updated 7 years, 7 months ago by
Hannah.
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Steph
So I’m at my wit’s end here. Had a dating app for a year, no relationship out of it yet. Been on some good dates, some not so good ones but I keep getting ghosted and I’m not sure why. I’m a sweet person, have a great job, have a doctorate degree, pay my bills and yet I keep having men ghost me. The last straw was last night. I went out with a guy who was a bit older than me, a great job (works as a nurse) an we seemed to hit it off at the bar that we met at. We went back to his car, he asks permission to kiss me, so we made out for a little bit but I had to get home so I ubered back to my place. He tells me to text him when I’m home safe, to which I do, and then he replies that he ‘had a great time tonight!, have a good day tomorrow?’ I reply that I had a great time too.
Come to wake up the next morning and find out he’s unmatched me on bumble and blocked my number (and yes I know I’m blocked because texts wont go through as Imessage and even tested it out by calling him—straight to voicemail.)
I’m just so sick of this crap, what am I doing wrong?
DEE
I don’t know that you are doing anything wrong, it seems to be startingly common on this board.
How much do you chat before meeting? When i briefly tried online dating (I met four men and all of them wanted to keep seeing me but I wasn’t feeling it), I would talk quite a bit before meeting — i mean at least a week or so. Some people will say that is wasting people’s time– because what if you don’t like them in person, and I get that, but I wanted to feel comfortable with them first.So by the time we met we knew we liked each other as humans and in that case, it’s harder to ghost I guess. I also used OKCupid where you can see a lot about a person’s personality from the quizzes, and are not just “swiping” on a face. I think the swipe apps make people seem more abstract, more like objects…
my suggestion would be to try match, okcupid, or other dating sites where the person has to tell you more, and maybe insist on a phone call first? It guess it’s more time consuming, but again i think tinder/bumble and those apps (which I checked out and didn’t end up meeting anyone) reduce people to something almost meaningless.
i could be off base here, but i’ve never been ghosted on and I don’t know if what I did differently has anything to do with it, but it’s my experience.
DEE
For example, OKcupid has a question “what’s more interesting to you right now, love or sex” and I just never bothered with anyone who answered “sex”. I mean of course people could be lying, but I just felt like i could do way more screening for if people really wanted a possible relationship or just casual/hook up. It also makes you answer categories “long term relationshp, short term relationship, casual sex” — anyone that didn’t include long term or DID include casual was automatically off my list.
alia
I’ve always had a problem with online dating, because it forces you to be on a date with someone you don’t know if you have real life chemistry with. I don;t think they are ghosting you as much as they have enough distance from the experience and they decide the’ve rushed in too soon, so to speak. I’ve felt I’ve rushed into dating with online dating, and it’s not natural for me. I only use it now to pass time and I think many men on there do the same.
Love
Nothing. That is dating in 2017 unfortunately. Happens to me and it sucks!
Anon
I hardly date online anymore… not attracted to their qualities- most pictures do not even show an effort to be presentable- lol.
I just get online for fun and see what other nonsense they could send me from hi to hey or good morning.
Not a way to show real interest- I let them find whatever they want.
Algo
It’s quite hard to say of you’re putting sth out there when you meet in person that makes them back off because we don’t know what you’re doing.
It’s hard and Tell. Maybe it isn’t what you do in the date, maybe it is indeed the fellas you pick as dates. Maybe you’re picking flakes who bolt when you just kiss them and not shag them.
Hard to say. How did the test of the date go? What did you talk about, how did the chatting beforehand go?
Pop
Are we talking about ONE date here? I lost count of how many first dates I’ve been on. 90% of those dates don’t turn into 2nd date, and then a few 2nd dates don’t lead to 3rd. What happens there is that no further communication is had. That’s the norm nowadays, sadly.
Nat
I think you are doing a poor job with prescreening. You have a doctorate degree and the guy is a nurse, what do you have in common? You need to do a better job filtering prospects and you need to message and talk to them for 1-2 weeks. Do not go on a date just because someone asked you. You may not go on many dates this way, but when you do go chances for a guy to ghost you will be much lower.
Do not make out on the first date, do not be too eager and never ask for the next time, if there is going to be a next time.
It only takes one message to say thanks it was nice meeting oyu but I don’t think we are match, and yet so many people don’t a decency to do even that. Good riddance for you. Remember a decent person will not behave this way. A man or a woman, they will not behave this way they will send a short message to let you know they are no longer interested, so be glad those who ghosted you are gone.
Shannon
Absolutely nothing but live in a society where it has become increasingly acceptable to treat people like they are disposable. Online dating has made ghosting the preferred mode of ceasing dating, since you don’t have any contact with this person in your ordinary daily routine.
Also…just food for thought…I personally do not consider ending communication after ONE date ghosting. I feel you have to be in an established relationship to consider it a true ghosting. What you are experiencing is the olden day equivalent of not getting a phone call after a single date. You are going to encounter a lot of this in dating especially using a dating site.
L
Steph your not doing anything wrong….you need to take online dating very lightly. Do not let it be your only method to meet people. I did online for about 2.5 years. I met a great FWB that lasted 2.5 years lol (I stopped it) but in those 2.5 years I dated all types looking for something more serious.
I think my biggest confused date was a police officer that I went on one date with…we kissed at the end of the night an texted when I got home but it was very brief. He unmatched me a few days later…however the stories he told me of his past online date experiences should have been a warning he told me he unmatched a bunch of girls after meeting them and told me he was very picky. I asked him why he had unmatched them and said that seems a bit rude and he laughed and agreed. So obviously it was a game for him his stories during our date were about his dating experiences….. so I was not surprised when he did it wish I would have done it first. Also he had never been married and had no kids so very opposite to me.
Now I am with a great guy I met online….so it took me 2.5 years to meet someone I am happy with.
Ashley
Nothing’s wrong with you it’s just the way of this crazy world
I had it happen once, we talked for a week or two & seemed we were a great match. He said it’s rare to meet someone with my traits, I’m exactly what he’s looking for & he’s very picky. He even said some of the many things he dislikes in a person. Like L’s, that was my warning lol
We had a great date & after it he acted like he liked me more. Like he was extra chivalrous, into me, gentle etc after he spent time with me so I know it wasn’t anything I did on the date you know? He acted like I was a treasure. After like a week he randomly unmatched me & blocked my number.
I thought it was super rude. I was very offended as I thought blocking my number is extreme. All he had to do was send one text saying he decided we should part ways. I thought jeez lol one of his pet peeves he said was when people ignore & are rude, how ironic.
I didn’t take it personally as I think he had issues, who is so picky they enjoy talking about all the things they hate lol but I deleted it, first & last online date for me. From what I’ve heard about online dating, it just seem too savage & uncivilized for my taste.
Lane
Hi.
First its not ghosting! It a man who is simply not interested in pursuing anything with you—nothing more, nothing less.
I honestly believe you may be outside a majority of online men’s league. Most men don’t want a woman who’s further progressed than they are, so your ODDS of finding a man who could overcome it is difficult.
Men know within a few minutes if your someone they want to see again or not. The kiss is just to determine if they feel ‘a spark’, if not they bounce.
My advice is to hire a professional dating coach as they can not only tell you where your going wrong, but have clients that are within your league so to speak.
Georgia
I agree with Lane. You may not be in their league as far as they feel. And even if you don’t care, I find that as the woman, it’s hard for men to handle sometimes.
I’ve had a Master’s degree for a long time, and considered a PhD, had my own podcast in my field and at first men loved that I was so smart and professionally engaged. However, that wears off. I can imagine with a PhD it would be worse. I’ve had the most luck with IT guys (not my field) of varying degree levels. I think it’s bc in IT you have to constantly be educating yourself and these men respect that about me. I seriously have tried to date other types of men, but I can have the best intellectual discussions with IT men. My ex husband is in IT and actually works with my current boyfriend (also IT). The three other relationships I’ve had as an adult were all IT guys (though one left to be a nurse). And one guy I briefly dated, but is now a close friend asked me the other day, “Is this bf okay with you being smart?” It really stunned me- he and I had never even discussed this topic before. Anyway… it’s not you.
Anonymous100
“I’m a sweet person, have a great job, have a doctorate degree, pay my bills…”
This is what attracts women to men. Not vice versa. This doesn’t make you a great catch as many women want to believe (aside from the sweet part). You’re self-sufficient? Good. That’s all men care about on the first date and that you’re pretty (to him) and fun. As long as you’re that, you’ll get at least a second date. But I have a feeling that you mostly talk about your degrees, what you do, your accomplishments, etc. Along with other serious topics. You don’t have to dumb yourself down, but you have to exude more feminine energy than masculine energy. The fact that you tried to call and text him after shows that you act more on your masculine energy. That’s not your job.
Just my two cents and something to think about. :-)
Hannah
I’m with Lane. Going on one date and deciding not to see each other again isn’t ghosting. That happens all the time and always has. All it means is you 2 weren’t compatible.
Don’t take it personally. It happens to everyone all the time.
Do you find every man you meet attractive? I’m sure you don’t! So the first few meetings are to see if there’s attraction there. If there isn’t, have no hard feelings and move on.
If you’re online dating and this keeps happening, the only thing I can suggest is getting realistic rather than flattering photos. Some men (and women!) complain the woman/man they see in the image isn’t them at all. If that’s not your problem, it’s just life I’m afraid!
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