Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › How do I let go of guys who don’t want to comit?
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Chloe.
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Chloe
1. Guy A. He told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, yet I went ahead to have sexual relations with him. I’ve seen him on and off for 8 months now. On the upside, he is a good friend who I talk with about stuff. However, I don’t like not being wanted and it makes me wonder why someone wouldn’t want me. I’m unable to chase someone out of my life, so it has resulted me to ghosting him & reconnecting. I wonder how to tell him to leave my life and not feel like I’d be losing someone who would come to my aid.
2. Guy B. Wants to be with me, but he isn’t stepping up. Like he has never taken me out on a date and has poor communication. I secretly hope he changes, yet I’m aware that people rarely change. I have the feeling that he says he wants me as his girlfriend so as to just have sexual relations. As a result, I’ve yet been intimate with him. I should be able to tell him & let him go, right? But I’m unable to. I feel like I’m not ready to lose this person who checks up on me.
3. I managed to ghost guy Guy A and guy B for some weeks so that they could move on and forget about me since I was unable tell them to exit my life. Unfortunately, they haven’t forgotten about me. On Sunday, for the first time ever, I felt an overhelming loneliness. I just needed company of someone who knows me. That’s how I reconnected with Guy A and guy B again (I thought I was strong enough to ghost them forever). It’s sad to say that these are the 2 people I talk with. (My female friends have since relocated or busy with other aspects of their lives, unlike last year where I would regularly hang out with them). PS: I know ghosting is awful, but I was unable to tell these two guys who don’t wanna love me well, to exit my life.
4. On Saturday, I went on a date with a guy who asked me to be his FWB as he hadn’t fully moved on from his ex. That was totally unexpected and it made me realize that the problem could be me. How did I end up attracting these 3 guys who want no deep committment with me?
5. At the end of the day, I want a loving, caring, and secure relationship. I want to be loved as much as I love. Also, I want to be able to let go of Guy A and guy B at the cost of feeling like I’d be alone in the world (yes, I’m afraid of that). So feel free to critique me. Thank you so much for reading this long post.
Chloe
*The title should have been “HOW do I let go of guys who don’t want to commit.”
Mod edit: Ok! I fixed the titleAngieBaby
1) STOP HAVING SEX WITH GUYS WHEN YOU HAVEN’T THE COMMITMENT DISCUSSION. Stop settling for being FWB. You can’t handle it and it’s not what you want. A guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, then believe him and end it there. Don’t try to be “friends.” The easiest way to not have to get into uncomfortable situations where you have to end a situation ship is to not get into it at all!
2) Learn how to set boundaries. You’re reporting you don’t know to tell guys you don’t want to see them anymore. Straight talk: it’s time to grow up and stop ghosting. That’s immature. As stated above be more discerning about who you let into your life in the first place and that’s half the battle won. You need to learn how to get in touch with yourself and be clear on what you want and then how to have conversations about it. I’m sure the others here can recommend specific resources for that.
The reasons you’re attracting men who won’t commit is that you have very low standards and you’re kind of a doormat. Raise your standards for yourself and for them and you’ll get better men!
Ewa
Unfortunately these days most men are not looking for commitment. You have to see the guy for who he is from the beginning and trust me there are signs that a guy is not looking for anything serious.
Don’t blame yourself but at the same time don’t accept every guy who is interested in you and don’t entertain someone who says a lot of nice words but they are not followed by actions like guy B.Chloe
@AngieBaby_thanks for your input, but what do you mean that I’m a doormat?
AngieBaby
It comes across that you’re letting these guys have whatever they want from you, including sex, even though you don’t want to be with them. You won’t speak up for yourself and you won’t set boundaries. In my book that’s a doormat. It’s OK if you don’t agree. I’m not trying to insult you. I think just about everyone has been a doormat at some point in their lives.
Maddie
These guys aren’t forgetting about you because they enjoy the access to sex while liking your company well enough. It doesn’t mean anything changes or grows. You should briefly let them know you’ve decided you’re looking to start a serious relationship with someone and are walking away from casual situations, and then block them if they’re still trying to stay in touch casually after that.
If you’re attracting emotionally unavailable guys who won’t commit, it’s a big indicator you’re emotionally unavailable yourself. Working on that means addressing what AngieBaby is talking about, learning to have healthy boundaries and higher standards so you walk away from situations you don’t want instead of allowing yourself to get stuck in situationships once you learn that these guys will never meet your needs. This may be happening out of fear on your end, possibly fear of losing connections, of loneliness, even of real commitment, so you take what you can get even if it makes you unhappy and you don’t believe you deserve better. Figuring that out is where your answers lie, if you want to make real changes and get involved with better men. But your very first step is to stop accepting less from men, then your next step is to take the time to figure out what your fears are and where they are coming from, so you can address them.
Chloe
@AngieBaby_I just wanted clarification and I’ve understood how I come across as a doormat. thanks for that perspective actually.
Chloe
@Maddie_yes, I have fear. Fear of investing my emotions in someone and then having to break up with them. I don’t know if I can handle going through another detachment from a man. It hurts.
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