Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › Why do I stress him out?
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 9 years, 8 months ago by
Bubblehead.
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Lola
We’ve been dating for 2 years. He just got promoted at work, and is under lots of deadlines, etc. I have a busy job and lots of friends. Clinginess is not the issue. We see each other 2-3 times a week, and we stay over.
Told me the other day that we may not be able to hang out this week, and that I (“we”) stress him out. I’m unclear about why, and he couldn’t/wouldn’t explain. By any standard, I’m attractive, smart, generous, kind, etc. I love him, and he tells me he loves me too. Any guesses about why I (or we) stress him out?? I really feel hurt about this.
redcurleysue
This is way too vague…you have to ask him what he means…does he mean that trying to think of you and his job is too stressful? Does he think planning a future with you too stressful?
Ask him cause I sure don’t know….
Lola
Lol, agreed. I just don’t want to stress him out by asking!
EM
I wouldn’t initiate contact with him as much and give me space to resolve whatever is going on with him.
Next time if he says that your relationship is stressing him out then just ask him what he means by that and if you can help him feel more comfortable or relaxed into the relationship.
Krystal
When guy feels pressured.. job/relationship he needs time to himself. Let him come to you, give him space, he will come back happy after he feels distressed. He wants to be good at work and a good boyfriend.
Lola
Thanks, EM. It’s odd to me to be in a bf/gf relationship of 2 years and still feel weird about initiating contact, but I agree that I need to give him space to work out whatever is going on at work. Sometimes I feel like I don’t give him enough attention, sometimes too much. Does that make sense? I have a teenager still at home, work, friends, ME- and 24 hours in a day.
Lola
Krystal, thanks. Ok. Will let him call the shots (again, this seems to be a pattern for us).
LAgirl
Give him the week of space. Don’t stress.
After the week, when you see him again, see how things go. I would look at this as a one off for now unless he continues to do this.
Two years is along time. Any talk of marriage – if that is what you are working towards?
Lola
LAgirl, thanks for the advice. We’ve both been married before, and neither of us are interested in a legal marriage again. Not sure where this is headed….it works for now.
Lagirl
Whoa… It’s a ‘pattern?’ That’s different. Can you explain?
Lola
I’m social and love to go out and have fun- with him or friends- he’s much more of an introvert, and like to hang out at home alone. I’ve invited him to do things, and 99% of the time he’s up for it, but sometimes he just wants to be home and quiet alone. I totally get and understand that. What’s different is hearing that I, or the relationship, is stressing him out. I NEVER give him a “hard time” about going out. Quite the contrary.
talllady
Men are singluar focused. He is most likely overwhelmed by his promotion and is looking at his life and seeing that some things are just feeling more stressful than they are. I suggest you really focus on you, and when you interact, be deferential to his work…
So instead of…
Why can’t you do XYZ?
you say…..
I know you are so swamped. It would feel great to spend time with you when you have some time. I was thinking XYZ….
Remember – sometimes it is not about you. This could be his issue….. Just show up the best you can, that is all you can do!
Bubblehead
You said he is an introvert. Truly introverted men are not shy, they just have difficulty spending a lot of time with other people. It’s like their batteries get run down around them and they have to be alone a LOT to recharge. If he prefers quiet nights at home (maybe with just you?) to partying and such, he’s probably an introvert.
Don’t pressure him. He’s already under pressure. Be his quiet comfort, his familiar refuge. Definitely give him space, without drama. A friendly invitation to get together when his work crisis passes will probably work. You want him to think that in the middle of all the stress in his life he can turn to you for peace and comfort not more angst! I think he will be grateful to you for it.
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