why do men cheat?

I am currently dating a guy whom I am sexually exclusive with but I am still dating others as I’m not ready to commit to him yet. I’m still getting to know him. We recently had a talk about cheating of what he n I consider cheating when in a relationship. As for different people the boundaries for cheating R different. I had also told him that if he cheated if we were in a relationship, I would not negotiate or ask him to choose but would just leave as he would have betrayed my trust n there cannot be a relationship without trust.

Hi Marie,

I would personally suggest taking everything with a grain of salt, that’s all…..we ALL get carried away with our feelings when we meet someone new and I think guys do too…..

I don’t know if there’s a clear answer except just believing that people MEAN well and yet are changeable, complicated creatures……IF you’re getting very excited about a future with a guy, just take it one step at a time and see how it plays out. Not just because his feelings might change but because yours might too.

I think you can be completely sympathetic to a guy but this DOESNT mean you sit around waiting for him if you’re just not on the same page.

Empathy is really important but this is what EMPOWERS you to make your own choices as you get to know someone and observe their behavior.

In this post I was just hypothesizing about what the guy’s experience might have been just to suggest that she wasn’t crazy for thinking there was SOMETHING very real there, even if it didn’t turn out to be what she had hoped. Not to suggest she should wait around for him but just to be able to think back on the situation with some level of clarity.

To me understanding just FEELS better.

I guess I would say that when it comes to dating, we are all a little bit like children (in the best of ways) even when we’re doing our best to be adults. We’re hopeful, vulnerable, excited, happy…..and sometimes this makes us ALL do things impulsively…..I would take what a guy says (especially at the beginning) as a reflection of the guy he WANTS to be for you – he wants SOOOO badly to be that great, wonderful guy who is in the perfect position to make you happy.

Guys have their hearts set on making a woman happy. I don’t think this is a bad thing…..it’s beautiful and humbling and generous and you see them at their most giving and loving and noble.

I think the key is just recognizing that what he says early on is more of a reflection of who he WANTS to be for you – the guy who can make you happy – but only time and allowing things to progress naturally will give you a real sense of how ready he actually is to fulfill those aspirations.

One way of thinking about it at least…..hope that helps

Xoxo

It’s not just a lack of what you get in a relationship that drives cheating. It is based on the individual. Some people get into a monogamous situation and then find themselves wanting variety.. So they cheat.

Others have a need to seek out and gain the ” high ” you get from infatuation and new relationships. These type of people will never NOT cheat because they become bored and intentionally seek outside regardless of how good the partner is to her or him. It has to do with the person and not the relationship or partner.

Other people have low self esteem and constantly seek reassurance from the opposite sex. This drives infidelity because it’s not enough to have your partner reassure you… You need other external forces or people to do that. These people generally like their partner or even love them, but want validation beyond that to satisfy a self esteem need for approval.

It is a choice .. That’s the bottom line to me. An individual choice.

What you don’t think these guys didn’t TALK, go to counseling or tried to woo their wives into bed?!? Sorry, but your making incorrect assumptions.

These guys DO have VALUES, they just want some freakin SEX, geesh.

You can make whatever value statements you want, but COUPLES, who are fallible humans, do things that are disrespectful to each other, especially the longer they’re together. We get pissed off, frustrated, angry and chapped at small and major things because its how we’re designed. Its impossible to be perfect, happy, honest, respectful (fill in the blank) 24/7 for our entire lives, so to pretend people who are in relationships/marriages are only as good as the amount of “respect” one gives or not is unrealistic.

I am AGAINST CHEATING which is why I have never engaged in it personally, BUT those are MY VALUES and I expect my partner/husband to hold those same VALUES when we are in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. Whether he respects me or not because I’m frustrated or having a bad hair day is irrelevant and has no bearing on whether one will be faithful or not.

Yup—Alcoholics blame all their problems on YOU, that’s their MO! Mine had a couple “emotional affairs” with some internet ladies living across the country when he was in a deep depression due to a very real work related issue. He inadvertently forgot to sign out, read the emails and actually emailed the ladies where BOTH were married and going through crisis of their own. NEITHER had any inclination of actually cheating on their husbands, but were feeling lonely, unappreciated and needed their egos boosted.

I honestly felt the same way as them at the time, so if that’s what mine felt he needed to do to get his ego stroked then more power to him, lol. He bored of it and stopped doing it after his work situation changed for the positive, but relationships are damn HARD and oftentimes wonder why the heck we even want to be in them! :oP

No Lane, relationships are not HARD, they are EASY when you’re with the right person…

My ex was not ALWAYS that man, but I did start to see traits in him that led us to where we were AND frankly some not very attractive behaviors on my part combined with enabling ways.
I DO NOT think that relationships are always hard but they will certainly not ALWAYS be easy. I bought into the myth that it was our passion – my ex and I – that made it hard, but that is what made it worth fighting for .. and I do mean literally fighting.

At the end of the day, both parties have to be willing to work at keeping a relationship alive and when that effort is gone, the I do agree that someone has to be strong enough to call it quite BEFORE stepping outside of the relationship.
Just my opinion.

Maria, who made you the forum police? If my opinions are “so wrong” then I would expect Eric to call me out on them, not you.

My advice is no different than most others on here, and my personal experiences have helped many women on here so stop acting like I don’t contribute anything of value. I respectfully request that you stop flaming me. Thank you.

You need a reality check, Lane.

Did you not understand that the cow and cookie-crap was (and is) totally wrong in here? Or that you bullied Kay so bad they shut the thread down because of it?…

Or that you say a lot of other things that are inaccurate (and most likely not liked by the majority in here) – like that “men don’t have sex for love and they will have sex any time with anyone including those they need to “chew their arm off” to escape”, and that emotional, verbal men are not real men but “ladies” etc. etc. etc…

I admit that I’m calling you out now and then, but I don’t “act like you don’t contribute anything of value”, and I’m not “flaming” you. That is all in your head.

Marie, the cow-cookie thing was just a TOPIC where the ladies where having an OPEN DISCUSSION and offering different OPINIONS based on our own observations about life! You’re CREATING arguments where none are warranted. If you DISAGREE, fine then disagree, but you’ve gone FAR BEYOND that and have turned it into some kind of “personal vendetta” and that’s where you continually cross the boundaries of this forum.

Again, you need a reality check, Lane.

The cow thread was started because you had been using the analogy earlier in other threads.

The difference between the other girls and you, were that they disliked the analogy, whereas you had been spreading it as some sort of truth about how men think and act.

I agreed with them and I disagreed with you. That is not a personal vendetta against you – I call anyone out who’s trying to “sell” stupid inaccurate ideas in here – and I will continue to do so.

I’m not crossing any boundaries. That too is in your head.

Hi , can we all just ” agree to disagree “. Kay’s thread was closed down because of all the “inter thread” arguing. This one will also go the same way I fear.

I LOVE all our discussions here… whether I like what’s being said or not. It’s all VERY informative to me and i have learned loads. Sometimes it’s fierce hard to hear stuff I don’t agree with or what feels like criticisms… but I can take criticism…at least I like to think i can… and I go away and REALLY THINK about what was said, is there a grain of truth in it.. and sometimes my opinion changes.

Whats best about it all… is I love you all dearly and GROW each day. At first this thread was a lifeline to STOP snooping on M’s FB and come talk to/with you all instead.

NOW… I just love hearing from you all !

Hugs… right back at you ! Getting laid last week was the BESTEST thing I’ve done in a long time. After some deliberation… It JUST MAY have been the best night of my life !

Cheaters… mmmn… some out of boredom i think( fed up of same person, years later, vanilla sex)Some.. unloved/unwanted/problems in marriage( not getting it at home), some players ( MY 18 YRS LATER FWB !!!!!!!), some… just drunk.. one night stand ( pro footballers come to mind here… lady sinks her claws in… sells story to press next day ).

or so i think anyway !