Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › why do men cheat?
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Anna.
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maria
Lane, I’m not attacking you, I’m posting MY OWN opinion, that’s all.
I agree it’s up to the readers to accept or reject the advice/opinions given in here, BUT in my opinion that advice/those opinions should be somewhat accurate and not downright false (or demeaning to women) (or men).
And AGAIN, I haven’t crossed any lines, so stop pretending that I have.
Oh, and it makes no difference if one or a thousand persons repeat the same false, demeaning information – it is still FALSE, DEMEANING information.
maria
Kay’s thread was closed down because she was severely attacked and bullied. Nothing else.
Ann
Anna and Lane….
When I was dating the Gambler Guy he lost interest in sex, his gambling addiction was what mattered. I turned into the caretaker, and the relationship was awful, not healthy at all.
BUT, when you talk about men and sex, he was not the norm. I realize why the sexual energy left between us, but as far as I can tell he is not in a physical relationship with anyone, even now. I have noticed that middle aged men don’t have as strong of a libido as younger men, but his is weird. The ONLY time I saw him get mildly “testosterony” was when he was in a poker room, and other men would flirt with the women dealers, and he would too, just mildly. It was almost like he liked the competition, the woman herself didn’t matter.
I don’t know why I’m commenting here….lol….. other than wondering if either of you know much about gambling addiction, because if what you are saying is correct, that men would rather have sex than eat, wellllllllll…..he would have rather been playing poker.
maria
I don’t agree men would rather have sex than eat.
Take any man who hasn’t eaten in let’s say 12 hours and ask him to choose between sex and food. A least 9 of 10 will choose food…
Lane
Hi Ann!
Whether its gambling, alcohol, drug, sex or any other addiction the “mental pathology” (behaviors of blaming others, narcissism, etc.) are similar, however the chemical one’s are far more destructive to the body IMO. Near the end of our marriage I noticed his libido waning based on his long-term alcohol abuse, however he was also exhibiting many other physical maladies that were directly attributed to it as well. However it didn’t change his sexual appetite. The amount of times we did it (2-3 times a week) pretty much remained the same, but he had a harder time keeping it up so to speak. He ALWAYS got me off every time so it didn’t affect me personally.
How old is he? The guy I’m dating who’s 53 has no libido issues and can screw like a 19 year old, lol! But he doesn’t have any “addictions” other than being a workaholic where sex is a great destresser for him.
Ann
He is 50. I’ve never met anyone like him (not saying he has many good qualities), which I am sure is a great part of my fascination with him. I think I have emotionally detached almost completely, but I still find myself trying to figure out what goes on in his head.
In his youth he was quite attractive. His lifestyle is catching up now though, so many hours in a smoky poker room or casino is not healthy. I have known him to gamble for 24 hours straight. He doesn’t eat, doesn’t even like to go to the restroom if he is winning.
This pathology of addiction that you have mentioned before is something I wish I knew more about. To me, from what I have seen, gambling addiction makes a person insane.
Anyway, back to the sex thing… He told me that when he was still married, say when he was about 30 years old, it always felt like he was performing a duty when having sex with his wife. His gambling addiction already had him. BUT, he would go to strip clubs, and I am pretty sure he was not faithful to her. She was very attractive too. His two later, committed relationships were with a young woman 20 years younger than him, and then another gambling addict.
I wonder if it is that the dopamine surges one gets with gambling is soooooo much more intense than plain ordinary sex, or other normal lifestyle joys.
Just a messed up guy. Smart, funny, hard worker. But more messed up than I have ever known anyone to be.
I have said earlier on other posts here that I am grateful that I knew him…he was such an extreme, it was obvious that I had issues too, not just my ex husband, or ex partners. I seek out the fixer uppers to avoid working on myself. AND, I have realized that yearning for commitment from someone who does not have the ability to give it is way of avoiding commitment. I am pretty sure I am a commitment avoider…otherwise I would be attracted to men who could give it. The ones that can scare me to pieces.
Harley
Ann.. I think a lot of us are scared of committment and we don’t even know it ! I am .. a bit… too many years on my own now.. settled in my own ways… no longer willing to accept crap guys or crumbs, made bad choices in my past relationships.
WHAT I DO KNOW IS… I do take chances on love and when the right guy comes along.. I’ll committ without my even knowing…. because it will all be soooo easy. I WILL trust, respect, have faith, KNOW his good AND bad qualities.. ensure we ARE compatible… and DO conflict resolution. i will “just know ” it’s all sooo right.
IF… I have ANY doubts/red/amber flags… I will RUN RUN RUN. Forest Gump won’t get a look in.
Lane
Yes, Ann. There are many pathological behaviors that come with those who have addictions, most of which can be symbiotic of our own issues, such as co-dependency, which is why you latch onto them if you haven’t fully tackled your own yet.
You know when you’ve fully recovered from co-dependency when you RUN from these tyoe of guys :oP
maria
Ann, are you sure gambling is his only addiction?
If he’s gambling 24 hours straight, doesn’t eat etc, he’s most likely using drugs… and many drugs are known to kill your libido (and your brain and whole system too of course)…
Ann
Ugh, Lane, I am trying soooooooooo hard. I am not in the depths of my addiction to him, like I was, but I still have contact with him. I have been dating others, and that is helping me tremendously. He senses it, and I think he knows he is on borrowed time. If you recall, he had told me originally that he couldn’t be in a full-on relationship, and I didn’t want one either. But, then I grew attached, ugh.. and my codependent ways won out, as you know. I became his caretaker. What is funny now is that because we never said we were exclusive or anything, in fact we’ve never said the “I love you” stuff either, he has figured out I have taken his hesitancy to mean I have freedom. He doesn’t like that, but I am just living my life. I don’t think it will be too much longer and he will just be out of my life.
Maria, in the past he abused cocaine, before I knew him. He tells me he doesn’t anymore, because he wants his money to gamble, and I believe him. I’m not kidding, gambling addiction is way scary. I know what his income is, and what he spends in the casinos, and there just isn’t money left for anything else. He does have an apartment now though, and has a phone. Doesn’t have a car yet. He could be the subject of a documentary.
When I write about him here, I go back and read my posts and just shake my head in amazement, because if I was reading this as an observer I would say WTF are you thinking Ann? All I can say is that I am making progress. I feel pretty good today.
As far as New Guy, he ended up calling me, texting me, calling me again, yesterday, begging me to go out for a bit last night. Remember he had wanted to see me on Friday at the last minute and I was busy? Anyway, last night I wasn’t busy, so I did meet him. We talked over a couple of drinks for hours. He explained stuff about his work, and because we work in similar industries, I knew things about his work that he was surprised about…he kept saying “I’m impressed”, or “You are so inquisitive”, or “That’s a great observation”…. It was a really fun time. He makes me feel very valued. I still don’t have any hope that this will work long term, I’m not even thinking about that now, he’s my science experiment because he is only a golf addict, by far my least addicted guy in decades. See, I’m making progress?! Ha
Red
In reading most of these post from the ladies……….. I think most have overlooked the most important issue……….That is the Nature of the beast!
All men in one way or the other is like a Lion! He has been hunting all his life and was hunting when he found you.
So when he captures his prey…….. he is happy. BUT his nature it to go hunting
after enjoying the feast of his kill.In reading a lot of history it seems to me that men especially power ones have always had mistresses or multiply wives or concubines. This the nature of the beast. It what drives us no mater how well we try to depress it…
Just my opinion!
Alayna
People (both men AND women) cheat simply because they CAN. It’s in Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. A good read especially since half the ideas in this website’s articles are chapters in his book.
Anna
Curious about what you mean here. Are you suggesting most people WANT to cheat but don’t?
Why would anyone commit to a monogamous relationship if they didn’t actually want to be in one?
It perplexes me. I’m in an open relationship so cheating is a non-issue but willful dishonesty toward a person you love is always painful.
Trust and openness and honesty are so precious…..I could handle someone cheating on me but cheating on someone I loved would be UNBEARABLY painful. I can’t imagine that many people choose this as their ideal solution or enjoy it. My sense is that most people who cheat are in fact traumatized by their own actions, and are only driven to it by desperation (whether starving for connection or starving for ego affirmation), but it’s not a happy thing to resort to.
Red, why do you think men choose to be with one woman if this is the case? I am genuinely curious. I would never deprive the person I love out of his or her greatest needs and desires….that would be tantamount to killing them. I hesitate around monogamy for precisely this reason.
The guy I’m with has offered to be monogamous. But I don’t want to limit his freedom, or deprive him of joy, or control his desires. I don’t want to set up a situation in which he feels that the only way he can act on his desires and remain in a relationship with me is by cheating. I don’t think he would cheat…..but that’s an even MORE painful feeling for me….the idea that he would give up something or someone he truly wanted just because he thought I wanted that kind of sacrifice from him. I don’t want his sacrifice, I want his happiness. I’m afraid he’s offering monogamy because he thinks it’s what I want, just because most women do, even though I have always encouraged him to sleep with whoever he wants. I’m happy to be special to him because he is so special to me, but I just am not sure what monogamy has to do with that. I am trying to understand because it is something he has brought up a lot.
It is hard for me to trust that he would actually WANT to be with only me, or even to understand the reasons behind it. I have never met a guy who didn’t fantasize about having sex with lots of women, no matter how faithful they were. Including my dad who is probably the best guy I know.
I tend to agree that monogamy is NOT everyone’s natural state. But this doesn’t explain why people cheat. If monogamy is not what someone wants, why would they agree to it? Just to make someone happy?
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