Why do some guys bring up other women when you are spending time with them?

In my opinion, innocent behavior does not feel confusing to the other person. Red flag behavior does.

The difficulty here is, besides asking that you both not check your phones while in person together, you can’t really directly bring the rest of this up yet in a way that doesn’t seem jealous because it’s only been two dates. But if you say nothing, he’ll think you’re okay with it.

If he’s bringing them up because he’s playing the field, he’s not going to stop seeing others so early on. It is okay not to want to be exclusive after only two dates, though disrespectful to talk about others instead of focusing on building a connection with you when he’s engaging with you. If it’s innocent because they really are platonic friends, then he’s going to see things as only getting worse from there: first you’re uncomfortable with him talking about them, then later it will be with him seeing them, eventually with him talking to them at all.

So you need to decide with this information he’s giving you through his actions if he is compatible with you or not. Unfortunately, I think this coming up as an issue already for you indicates that you two are likely not compatible and you should cut your losses before getting invested and it getting painful. It has only been a couple dates. If you’re not okay with what he’s doing and still want to try to say something before bailing out, just prepare to walk away and not see him again if he isn’t on the same page as you. Then you can bring it up by sharing your opinions on what you’re generally looking for in your life right now from a romantic partner, which may include your stance on being friends with members of the opposite sex, and listen to what he says next and see if he steps up in response to your needs.

To answer the rest of your question about why a guy may do this, if this is red flag behavior and not an innocent lifestyle incompatibility issue (which it also sounds like is very possible here), then he’d be doing one of three things in bringing up other women. 1. Testing your reaction to make sure you’re okay with it and he can do whatever he wants 2. Letting you know up front that he’s not serious about you or any woman. 3. At the very worst, he could be manipulating you (if you feel like it’s a competition, you may try hard to win him over).

Since it is driving you crazy already, I do think you should listen to your gut about him showing you who he is! Either he is shady or you’re not comfortable dealing with a guy who has a lot of female friends around, and it’s okay to not be compatible and walk away in either of those cases.

Are you “hanging out” or dating? It’s fine if you’re not exclusive this early on. But does he take you on dates?

Does he mention male friends, or is it mostly female friends? If he just talks about his friends a lot in general (male and female), that’s one thing. But if all he talks about is hanging out with other women- I’d be uncomfortable with that too.

“We had an issue once that I brought up and he said he felt it was best he distance himself again for a bit.”
I’m a little confused, I thought you said you’ve had a couple of dates? How can he be distancing himself “again” if you’ve only been on a couple dates?

I agree with what Maddie’s written. This early on you’re just deciding whether this guy is a good match for you. If the way he is makes you uncomfortable, then he’s not the guy for you. No need to try to change him, or to change yourself to accommodate him– you’re just not a match.

Frankly in the early days of dating – a couple dates in- things should be smooth. You shouldn’t be having a lot of anxiety or discomfort about the guy. Guys are supposed to be on their best behavior and trying to impress the woman they’re dating this early in the game. If you’re already uncomfortable and questioning what this guy is up to, and you barely know each other, I don’t think it’s meant to be.

I agree with Liz on her additional points.

I also think, if you strip away the noise, you’re left with the only important thing: you do not feel respected by him. I’d just walk away, you can find someone even for just casual fun who will still treat you with respect.

If you want a relationship, this isn’t your guy. Maddie is right that you do not seem to feel respected by him. And Raven summed it up well, lol.

It’s OK not to be exclusive early on– but he told you outright that he’s not looking for a relationship. A guy that wants a relationship escalates his attention towards you and makes you feel good. He courts you and woos you.

Listen to your gut- he’s 40 years old and plays games to get a reaction out of you. It doesn’t matter if it’s because he’s a player or because he’s immature, the end result is the same. He is also not courting you and taking you out on dates– you’re just “hanging” at his house. This guy is not relationship material.