Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › Why does my guy friend act this way towards me?
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Kathryn.
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Molly27
We’ve known each other for years and he has always been very protective of me. Everytime we are together he tells me he’s going to take me out for drinks sometime and we’ll have a good time. We never do,but it’s always brought up. When we first met I asked him to meet up with me like a double date so I wasn’t a third wheel and he did. Later that evening he told my friend he was going to take me on a date sometime. I was right there and completely froze up. He quickly said it’d be weird for us to go out because of our siblings being married. He’s always hugging me and staying near me in group settings. We were at a party and he held my hand most the night. I fell and he helped me up and never let go of my hand. He was drunk both of these times, and so was I. He does these things and then tells our mutual friends I’m like a sister to him and he doesn’t like me that way. He never says this to me. I don’t know why he acts this way towards me and it’s hurting me because I do care about him. What do I do?
Maddie
Either tell him how you feel and take a chance he’d want the same if he knew you were interested, or make the decision that you don’t want to pursue this as a thing and show up with much stronger boundaries than you currently have so that you have space to move on. Next time the mixed signal behavior comes up, don’t accept it, even if you have to remind him you’re in-laws and friends and you don’t hold hands with your other friends.
Raven
You’ve posted about this guy a couple of times… Aren’t you tired of this?
Zoe
I would absolutely NOT tell him about your feelings. Guy who is into you will make it happen. Just wait. If he does not, it means he doesnt like you that much
Maddie
She said this same dynamic has been going on for years and it sounds like it’s driving her crazy. What is she waiting for? No reason to stay in limbo any longer, she needs to look out for herself, and it sounds like she sees him frequently due to their social and family circles. It’s not the end of the world to tell someone you care about them, even if they don’t feel exactly the same way. Then you know for sure, take time to mourn the loss of potential if you don’t hear what you were hoping for, and move on from there to open yourself up to new connections instead of staying stuck on one that isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes people need to do that if deciding in their own mind to move on isn’t working, or if they want to practice being strong enough to voice their needs even if the outcome isn’t ideal, and that’s okay. Honoring yourself by having healthy boundaries is always the right move. It’s up to her if the right healthy boundary for her is saying what she wants or if it’s shutting down any of his ambivalent behaviors.
I do agree that, in general, guys who aren’t making a move after all that time either aren’t interested or (if they actually are secretly interested) have way too many issues with fear and commitment to be good partners. So I don’t think the setup is good for the situation to evolve into anything, but finding a way to process and move past limbo (which might involve speaking up) will only help OP in the long-run.
Miss_A
You’ve posted the same story many times over the years, and you’ve gotten lots of great advice. Please refer to your previous threads.
tammy
i agree with maddie. either just call him out on his behaviour and ask him straight out. for how many years can one playthis game?
ANM StaffKeymasterHi Molly27 – I noticed some people have pointed-out that you’ve posted about your friend (brother-in-law?) before. I remember this situation as well. I am sorry that you haven’t found clarity, and I hope you find something that helps you come to terms with this.
I noticed our community members are a little frustrated that it seems that very similar questions have been posted before. Maybe you can help steer the conversation in a direction that’s less frustrating and more helpful!
If any advice given to you here resonates with you and has been helpful, then I think that’s a great place to start a conversation. What advice have you seen that’s helped you feel better? Or, if you’ve tried something based on advice someone has given you, let us know how that turned out.
On the other hand, if zero of the advice given to you has helped, then that’s also a place to have a conversation. Do you feel like the advice doesn’t apply to you? Is it hard to follow-through with something — if so, that’s okay, but tell us why.
I hope you re-visit this topic thread and move the conversation forward. That’s important – please consider how to move the conversation forward. Good luck!
Molly27
So I actually messaged him a couple of months ago. I let him know that it’s really hard for me to be around him because I’ve been told I make him uncomfortable. I’ve been told other things he’s supposedly said, too. I told him I’ve even asked a mutual friend if it’d be better for him and I to not be friends. He wanted to know where I heard all of this because he doesn’t feel that way at all. He said as far as he was aware nothing was or is awkward between us and told me there’s nothing to worry about. I really appreciate everything he said. I’m more confused tho because now I’m curious if anything I heard was true. I’m also still not sure friendship is in the cards for us because of my feelings.
Raven
Hi Molly, Is this the alcoholic Brother-in-Law?
Molly27
This is an update to the thread. It is in regard to the same guy. He’s not my brother-in-law, he’s the brother of my b-i-l. We had a good conversation, I just have more questions.
Raven
Thanks, remember now… Is he still drinking?
What other questions do you have?
Molly27
Yes, he still drinks. I just wonder how many other things that I’ve been told he’s said are untrue. He was adamant that he’s never felt uncomfortable with me and that everything is fine and I have nothing to worry about. I just feel like one big conversation and being honest that friendship isn’t working for me because I just can’t see him as a brother. I feel bad for that, but I can’t help how I feel and he deserves honesty. Thoughts?
Raven
I’m curious @Molly27 what is it about this guy that keeps you hooked?
He’s an alcoholic, doesn’t follow through with any thing…
I remember you we’re VERY uncomfortable around him- You were being way too nice.Molly27
I do have feelings for him and I was never honest about that. We can’t date because he’s an alcoholic and I don’t want that. Our families are close so those feelings don’t disappear and I try to act like we’re siblings but it’s really difficult. Hence, why I’ve been tempted to cut ties for the last 7 months.How else do feelings die?
Raven
You are right @Molly, you must cut all contact. It’s been at least 2 years & you’re still hooked…
Find a trained someone that can help you understand & move past this really unhealthy attraction.
Good Luck ❤️
Molly27
I messaged my guy friend that sometimes I think it would be easier if we weren’t friends and that I just don’t know anymore. I have some trust issues and people keep causing drama between us and I’m just overwhelmed with it. Plus I like him and can’t admit it. He never sent anything back, but he also didn’t delete me as a friend. Is he not answering because I hurt him, or does he not want to be friends? I didn’t mean to hurt him, I just feel like no one wants us to be friends and maybe he doesn’t either. He’s always been really kind and kinda flirty, but I thought I was maybe a joke to him. Now I’m really hurting.
Raven
Molly, Please find a therapist…
Molly27
I have a great one. Does anyone else answer these or just you? I hate being belittled for asking advice. I have a huge heart and care too much about what other people think. I also had an abusive ex that I’m still recovering from. Please learn before you judge. I cut him off because it’s what other people said to do, and it’s breaking my heart. I don’t want him out of my life. I just hate hiding my feelings and being told they’re wrong. That’s all this boils down to.
Liz Lemon
No one is belittling you. There’s only so much help that people on an anonymous internet forum can give. We can give opinions, but we can’t fix major problems. You say you are overwhelmed and hurting– there’s nothing anyone here can say that will fix that. Raven is right that a therapist can help you.
I remember your posts about this guy (your brother in law’s brother), and I remember you posting that your family blames you for the problems between you two. The guy is an alcoholic, he behaves badly, and your family doesn’t support you. There is a lot going on in your situation that an internet forum can’t solve.
Also the fact that you are recovering from an abusive ex (by your own admission) means you need extra help and support. A therapist can provide that.
I’m sure everyone here wishes you the best so please don’t take these comments in the wrong way. We’re trying to point you in a direction that will provide help and healing for you.
Liz Lemon
Oh sorry, I missed that you said you are in therapy? Do you talk to your therapist about this stuff? What do they say?
Molly27
I actually got brave enough to have an honest conversation with him. We talked for quite awhile and are on the same page now. We’d rather just be friends like brother/sister. He also admitted he doesn’t remember the things he’s done while drinking. All in all it was a very productive conversation and we both walked away at ease. Thank you for all the input on this, and I apologize that it took me so long. I had to get to a good place where I was confident enough in myself to be honest.
Raven
This is wonderful news, Thanks for the update!
Molly27
I have had several more conversations since the last update. Everything was really good for awhile, and then a few weeks ago we hung out alone together, per his asking, and things got complicated. I had already told him prior to this I see him as a brother. This night he told me we’re never going to be close friends, we just won’t. And that he has enough close friends. He also told me it was just him and I hanging out alone and to just enjoy the night. Later he was teasing me and then decided to tell me he actually thinks I look cute. I talked with him when he was sober and he said he didn’t mean to come off mean when he made the close friends comment, he just didn’t want to have the friend conversation. He said he likes how things are between us. I decided to be honest and say that I enjoyed hanging out, but I don’t think he meant the cute comment and I don’t know why he even said it. He said he didn’t even know what to say and now we’re not really talking. I don’t understand what he wants from me. I’ve even told him we don’t have to be friends and he said that’s not what he wants. What do I do? I feel like I’ve tried everything.
Raven
Oh Molly…
This was the same story you recently posted about.You really really really need to stop engaging with this person- for at least 6 months. Clear your head…
The guy is an alcoholic.
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