Why does my guy friend act this way towards me?

Molly, I am sorry that this is painful for you, but you must focus on you – not him. Firstly, we don’t know him and he doesn’t seem to know himself either. Secondly, all of these details show a gross overinvestment in any relationship with him as he tells you over and over by words and deeds that he is not interested. This is a you problem. You don’t know what he wants from you? Literally no one cares, not even him. I say this to wake you up – again. Please go to therapy and dig into why you care so little about yourself as to let this go on in your imagination and mind for sooooo long!

I think I remember from a previous post of yours, that your family blames you for the problems with this guy, right? It sounded like a toxic family dynamic. If I’m misremembering, please correct me.

You don’t have anyone who would have your back– for example, a sister or cousin, or whoever– you could enlist to help keep this guy away from you at family gatherings? Like if they see him approaching you, they could interrupt and walk you away?

I will add….you posted recently about going out drinking with this guy, just the two of you (the time he called you “cute”). You said you hit up a few bars together. So you have to avoid situations like that, don’t hit up bars with him, or hang out with him.

What do you want from this guy? If he were not part of your family would you want to date him? What on earth is it about him that has you obsessed? Let him go emotionally. Please focus on other things. This is a waste of time. Literally. Like years!!! How old are you again ?

@Molly27, Until YOU take responsibility for YOU & your part in this fiasco- lacking boundaries, being too damn ‘nice’ etc – Nothing will change.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat… Break. The. Cycle.

Like others have said, you can only control your own behavior. This guy is an alcoholic and doesn’t even remember half the stuff he says to you. He’s sick. If he were mentally ill, would you believe the stuff he says? It’s the same thing. He is not a mentally healthy, believable person.

You are grossly overinvested because you claim not to care but you have been obsessively posting about this guy for years. You are hung up and obsessed with deciphering every comment he makes (like the “cute” comment). So yes, you are completely overinvested with a guy who is not consistent or showing genuine interest in you.

So YOU have to take responsibility. Stop hanging out with him and going out drinking with him. You say he initiates everything- then don’t respond!

@Molly, no one here is belittling or harassing you.

You say you are straightforward & yet aren’t taking the straightforward advice you have ask for.

The people close to you who are telling you you’re weird or rude for not wanting to be around this guy are the people who you really need to be wary of in regards to belittling & harassing you…

I understand abandonment stuff… The best advice I can give you is, You be the leaver. Leave these people behind & don’t look back. It is very scary to take that step & VERY freeing when you take that second, third, fourth, fifth step away from disfunction & see it for how it really was!

Only YOU can do this.

Molly I suggest you read the book “Co-dependent No More..” by Melody Beatty. I believe reading about co-dependency will give you the understanding you are seeking.

I am a recovered co-dependent who divorced an alcoholic so I truly understand how one can be addicted to an addict. I describe codependency as one who tries to create “order out of disorder.” Its EXHAUSTING and only drives you insane because you simply cannot understand why they act, behave, or do what they do. Alcoholism is a mental ILLNESS so unless you want to be just as ILL as he is then keep doing what your doing. If you want peace and happiness then you have to disconnect and fix your illness because co-dependency is the illness a non-alcoholic receives from being with or around an alcoholic. You cannot fix him but you can fix you if truly want relief.

Ok, Maybe I understand…
It’s behavior modification 101: Differential Reinforcement… He will keep trying, as you’ve caved before. You must not give him a glimmer- EVER. If you slip just once, you’ve reinforced him.

When he’s around you, move.
He follows you, move.
He follows you, leave.
Block him. Do. Not. See him. Alone. EVER.

You must always shut him down… if you don’t/can’t, then you suffer the consequences.

Everything was really good for awhile, and then a few weeks ago we hung out alone together, per his asking, and things got complicated. I had already told him prior to this I see him as a brother.

Wasnt this posted by you as well? You go out alone with him where hes drnking, flirtin and callin you cute! Yet you post the same old things and then say how can i ignore when hes family? Lol.

Lady as i said before your in denial and obsessed with this man. And when posters post their view, you think ppl are belittling you.

I dont think anyone can really help you bec you dont want to see reality or the part you play in it. There have been instances in our lives where we are faced with hopeless situations. We need to take a call and walk away!

@liz shes contradicting herslf and in denial. Thats how she ignored by letting him flirt wid her, let him jold her hands, go out for drnks!!! Smh.

Ugh. Trying to post three times??? What is the problem.

Anyway. To the original poster. Please share your age with us. It makes a difference