Why men pull the disappear/reappear act?

Wow, Jillian…you are so spot on it’s uncanny. And everyone’s story on here is helpful to read. A sharing of vulnerability is important. Some people feel they ‘have it all together’ when it comes to love but may struggle in other areas. It’s a strength to admit that you are still working it out. A lot of sensitive women can also fall for narcissists, (I think one posted on here) and they are obsessed with a self-image, distancing from emotions and integrity and using the silence/distancing as power because they are deeply wounded in their self-worth and their presence/absence in your life will only take from you energetically without a fair energy exchange. And they are the hardest to spot because they are con men but vacuous inside. Just calling it like it is. They can also be female of course.
A lot of people have identified what I also see as a way to prevent these toxic connections. Step back and re-evaluate. Keep your love and trust until someone has earned it and proven who they are. Watch their actions-do they align with their words. Particularly earlier on. They can play a charade but only for so long.
Don’t be afraid to take a break from dating. I recognised that losing my father impacted the dark men I attracted, where previously I attracted loving men. It is what it is.
Lastly, I understand that some people feel that they need to find the right guy for them younger. But I don’t think love works like that with time. We don’t have as much control as we may believe- isn’t that proven by the unexpected way in which we meet those incredible people who touch our hearts? It’s always unexpected. You can search and search, but the right person will show up whenever you are ready to connect.
Final note- avoid dating sites that are meant for hooking up! It’s a fallacy that we even need the Internet to meet men. I avoid the Internet scene now and men have started to pop up in other ways.
Basically, you meet people,learn to screen them when they show up and value the love that you have to give and we can’t hurry true love as much as any of us would like to. I’ve seen people find their true soul mates at 60. It is what it is. Wishing my fellow sisters the best!

Thank you to all of the women and men who posted here (except for the one crazy bitter divorced guy who was degrading women on here) because your stories helped a sweet, naive, and romantic hopeful like me to open my eyes, and to flip the script on a narcissistic conman whose behavior and actions didn’t match. Thank you so much guys! I am grateful for your open hearts and posts. Thank you so, so, so much!!

Hi ladies!

This happened to me lately with a new boyfriend. Met him online through OKC. After a few days of texting we met up last Valentines. Things went well as I wasn’t expecting it to go anything beyond casual. One date turned into weekly dates and lots of texts in between. After a month of being sweet and thoughtful, he asked for exclusivity and us to become a couple. Since the chemistry was good, I agreed.

A few weeks into the relationship i’m seeing less of him but still once a week so i thought everything was still good. Last April 1 he texted me that he has a problem at work. I tried to encourage him with words but my messages remain unanswered until 2 days after wherein he replied with ‘hey’ and asked why i tried to call him instead of texted. He also asked why I disappeared. So i told him, i thought i was giving him space when he didnt reply to my messages. That he was taking some break to deal with his problems. Then he told me the specifics about his problem at work which was really serious. So i tried again to be supportive with my words. Asked him if there’s anything else i can do for him and he just replied with thanks.

It was radio silence again after that and I tried to call him once a day. I also had a crazy busy week but was still worried about him. 5 days later he replied again with ‘hey”. So I tried to play it cool and said it was good to hear from him. That I also had a crazy week and told him have a great day.
He just replied with “it was very bad days. sorry for not replying to your calls but was in really bad mood”.
TL;DR: What to do with this? Should I just move on already or ask him why he didn’t at least text?

Mila, why do you want to help him in his new relationship? I think you are fooling yourself, deep down you want him to treat you better, which means you are still hoping.

The guy is “hey”ing you. Hey is for horses. You explained to him once that unanswered texts are not welcome, he is not a child, he was not born yesterday, he knows. He had the audacity to tell you not to text actually, by asking why you call instead of texting. Imagine you were a top model or his boss, do you think he’d talk to you this way? This is your answer into WHY. He is not valuing you enough. You don’t need to be a top model for a guy to respect you and value you. All you need is to imagine how he’d treat his boss or a top model. It will be with respect and attention at the very minimum.

You’ve expressed to him enough. There is no point in saying more. Pull away and make him your LAST priority for real. When he feels it he will either step up or disappear.

I too have been through the same situation. I will share my experience. I am from India. Well, recently i met a guy on an online dating app. I was reserved, didn’t bug him much with calls and messages. So he was the one who initiated the meeting. After my apprehensions i decided to meet him. We met for almost like five times in almost a span of two weeks. He assured rather he made me believe that i am exactly the girl he was searching for so long. I mean really???
I recently had a sticky situation with my room mate and was just coping with the same. Unfortunately, i made the mistake of sharing that with this new guy. I was honest that i told him that me and my room mate parted on a bad note.
This new guy had a strong thought in his head that he was merely a rebound for me which wasn’t the case. but he was giving me the required space and time.
So, he dropped in one day to surprise me….and unfortunately i had my room mate at my place as he had some of his stuff lying which he came to collect. So this new guy simply texted me for the very last time saying Thank you and vanished.
i made desperate efforts to call him and text him to just tell him that whatever he is thinking is wrong. But all in vain.
All he responded was “I can’t talk to you anymore.Sorry” and vanished.
not even once he tried to give me a chance to atleast explain as to why that guy came over.
Since then I am simply trying to figure out as to why did he just walked over me when he proclaimed that he so badly wants to be with me…why??
I am simply confused as i cannot get this guy out of my mind.

Hannah, thanks for the reply.
I really like this guy, the feelings that i have for him are real.
I too had no other choice because i had to get rid of my room mate and his stuff. This probably was the last time wherein the room mate visited.
I seriously want to get back to this guy.
I will be grateful if at all something can be suggested.
I understand that he was freaked out but he even needs to understand and at least for once just give me a chance to share what exactly the thing was.
Since we had just started meeting each other he should have given me an opportunity to at least once explain what the scene was.
Is there any possible way to get him talk to me once.

Hey there. It is so interesting to read all these comments, feeling that this is not happening only to me. Now I personally know what means ghosting and even more zombeeing, at the age of 32 with a guy who is 32 and appears just when i get over it. I want to let it go but i know i got hurt and as you, I also dont understand this behavior. In my world it is 0 or 1 = yes or no, no between, waiting, they should be waiting for us. So i am passing, but still got hurt.

All the best to all of us.

This is for Meg-He “did not give me a chance to explain”. Sorry,I think if he was really into you,he would have talked to you, instead of making assumptions. The roommate thing, was just an excuse imo.