Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Why would he want to meet as friends and then disappear again?
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Tammy.
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Lee
The guy I was dating always kept me at a distance. No doubt we had a great connection, we were very similar in personality and compatibility was excellent, he also agreed. But he was Taking days to reply, spacing dates apart. Then he said he didn’t feel romantic but wanted to be friends (he isn’t sure if he will stay in uk long term)
We didn’t speak for 2 months then I got curious about whether he’d got a new job. He replied yes he had and told me he starts his job in 4 weeks, and then asked if I’d like to go get a drink with him. Met for the drink and once again we really get along. We ended up going have a spontaneous night went to a music gig.he was hugging me a lot and he was telling me how good it was to see me.
For the next 3 weeks, he was initiating conversation online sending me lots of memes and recipes etc. sometimes he would take several days to reply to my response. I got used to him messaging me regularly. Then he asked me to go play golf with him
Had a lovely day, got lunch. We were quite playful with each other. I noticed he was subtly touching me quite a lot including on my bum. Confusing.he talked about how he’s having a hard time working out whether he will stay in this country long term or whether he will just go back to Australia after a year or two. He’s been here 5 years but said he’s not sure he will stay here forever and he’s starting to feel pressure to go back
Parted ways, we kept in touch.one night he started texting me, he was showing a lot of interest in my artwork. Asked me to send his pics of my favourite work I’ve done. Sent them and he said ‘I’ll look at your artwork tomorrow! Speak soon :)’
He never replied again. Never reached out to me again. I accidentally called him on the app (genuine accent) and he didn’t pick up or acknowledge it.
I know he moved to start his new job, or was due to, but he gave me no update
I don’t know why he would just disappear again and I worry what that means about me. Does it mean he just has no respect for me?
I actually still like him but I didn’t show him this. I’m quite a lonely girl and it was nice to have some company for once
AngieBaby
It’s not that he didn’t respect you. Either he had another GF all along or he met someone else or he simply decided he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything with you or he went back to Australia.
But the bigger problem is you were ignoring the writing on the wall that said I’M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU, and there was a lot of it – he was telling you he wasn’t sure what he was doing with his life and his contact with you was extremely sporadic. That’s not someone who’s going to want a relationship AND he straight up told you that he wasn’t interested in you romantically. But you kept pursuing him hoping he’d change his mind.
You need to find cures for your loneliness that don’t involve chasing unavailable men. You’re most attractive to men romantically when you’re a happy, fulfilled person on your own. Right now, you’re going to unwittingly push good men away because you’re too needy.
Lee
I’m not a needy person in the slightest. I’m actually very independent and he said he liked that about me. I felt happy and ready at the time for a partner
I just keep worrying him not wanting me romantically means there’s something wrong with me. I tell myself maybe that’s not the case, because if there was something wrong with me, he won’t want to be friends. But even on the dating apps, I just feel so invisible to men, lost all my friends have tons of days, but I am attractive so I don’t get it I’m just starting to worry
Raven
Attention on dating sites is not an indication of your worth.
Most of the guy in these sites circle through every 6 months or so.
Are you meeting guys in real life?
Maddie
He’s also no indication of your worth. Whether or not he wants to date you, stay friends, or wants nothing to do with you all has nothing to do with your value or something being right or wrong with you. Pursuing an emotionally unavailable man will always eventually end the same way. The only thing wrong with you in those situations is when you choose not to walk away from someone who tells you there’s no future or is distant and non committal, because then you’re abandoning yourself and not giving yourself value. You deserve better than that, and the only opinion that matters in defining your value is your own.
Good men who like independent women in a positive way like women with healthy personal boundaries and sense of self. Unavailable men like “independent” women who don’t bother them with any needs or expectations, because those men are terrible partners and aren’t really looking for real relationships. It’s an important difference to recognize when you’re dating new men, so that you don’t settle and undermine yourself chasing after a fantasy that leaves you confused and unhappy… and eventually, lonely again.
I agree with the advice in the other replies here, too. You may also find some more answers if you look up insecure attachment style, because you and him both may have one. No matter what his reasons for his actions are though, they don’t matter and have nothing to do with you. Throw this guy back, he’s not a good one for you.
AngieBaby
When you think there’s something wrong with you because someone isn’t interested in you, that’s the sign of someone who has a need for validation and acceptance from others that isn’t in the healthiest place. Maddie explained it well. This guy told you he wasn’t interested in you and didn’t contact you and you continued to pursue him – also a sign of neediness. I’m not trying to put you down, I’m trying to help you see what messages your behaviors are sending.
Why have you lost all your friends? What else other than dating men are you doing to handle the loneliness?
tammy
it was obvious when he reconnected that he was just looking to pass his while. he had already told you he’s not interested in you romantically. nothing wrong with meeting him or going out to a concert with him as friends. As you were alone and it’s ok going for outings with friends. but when he kept touching you on a golf day out, why did you not maintain distance?? friends don’t do that. think he was just using you to fill in his time. he seems unsure about his next move in life which is somewhat reflected in his friendship with you as well. please don’t message him and if he gets in touch just be polite but don’t bother about this guy again.
I had a somewhat similar experience in the past. Met this guy few times and things were ok. However, things just dint take off. he never said nor did I say we were not interested in each other romantically. we had some kind of physical spark but other than that we were quite different. So I dint bother to stay in touch. He still messages me occasionally and enquires about me. And always asks me if I am free to meet say on a day next week. But he never follows it up and I have never asked him why. I just don’t bother, and it doesn’t matter if he never follows through. Sometimes with some people, you can’t form any sort of attachments and keep your expectations to zero.
Lee
Is there any other explanation than using me to pass the time. I know I’m quite a hot woman, could this be for his ego? It just feels so personal to me, thought he valued me as a friend. The touching my bum thing and tickling my tummy was very fleeting moments. I don’t know if he was aware he was doing it himself. If he continued doing it and appeared intentional, I would have said ‘hey get your hand off there!’ But I never got the chance to as he stopped.
I don’t like to think that I’m only good for someone when they are bored. That makes me feel really sad. I’m trying to meet other me. Through online dating and other ways but I feel invisible at the moment.
Tallspicy
Tough love time. He was never your friend. He was never that interested. And you are deeply insecure. Please consider getting a therapist to help you build up yourself. Otherwise you will keep choosing men who are passing the time. Until you love yourself, you won’t think you deserve more and abandon yourself to these men. Anytime you want validation from someone, especially someone not important to your long term happiness, you are abandoning yourself.
Lee
I’m not insecure. I’m very confident and secure of myself. I was firm with him and set boundaries. I knew I deserved more
Just after he ended things, I’d normally block them but me and him had a different kinda connection. One that we both acknowledged as being a great connection.
So I’m not insecure. I just met a man I liked and was excited.
Tallspicy
Please look up insecure attachment. You are 100 percent presenting as anxiously attached.
Tammy
Lee no frnd touches you on your stomach or ur butt! At most tch your shoulder or lightly touch ur hand. So pls dont get defensive now. A man’s interest isn’t necessarily is restricted to luks. And his disinterest dsnt reflct how hot or attractive u are. It also depends on his state of mind and his circumstances. Why are you so interested in this guy despite his erratic behaviour towards you?
Lee
The reason I am so interested in him is because I haven’t fancied anyone in years, when I met him I had this inexplicable attraction to him, really strong. This was special to me because I thought I was asexual. I don’t really find people hot or anything, but with him the connection we had led to me developing an attraction.Coupled with us having the most amazing convos, similar life goals and lots in common. He acknowledged this too.
Can his life circumstances and uncertainty about where he will be geographically cause a man to distance. Like his hot and cold behaviour is not reflective of me? He then deleted all his dating apps
I hope he didn’t come back to be friends as he felt guilty.
Tammy
Maybe u had a gud connect with him. But isnt it obvious that he didnt? He may like you but he also told u he dsnt fancy u romantically? Why wld he say that? Yes ofcrse we at times may fancy someone but if circumstances are not too favorable for us to get in a committed relationship, we walk away. Or its like i like a guy and enjoy hanging out with him. but i dont see him as smone i wld like to be steady with.. so what do i do? Simply tell him that i dont see us as romantic partners but i wld like him to be around as my frnd.
If he really fancied you, he wldnt behave this way. Maybe he thinks of you as just a casual frnd and hence comes and goes as and when its convenient..besides in his mind he may not think hes doing anything wrng bec hes alrdy told u hes not intrstd romantically.
I think you need to accpt the fact that u fancy him but he dsnt quite feel that way. Bec of the way u feel, u cant be just frnds. Best is to avoid meeting him n move on.
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